Those parting prayers unheard
Those sepulchral songs unsung;
The secrets of her heart no longer screamed
From where her lifeless figure hung.
.
They say they hear her
Echoing through the night;
In the darkness, they feel her,
Feel her longing for the light.
.
She had a lover, i hear them say
'Twas Forbidden Love, they ran away
But try as they might, they couldn't escape
Her kinsmen found them; her lover they slayed.
.
Distraught, half mad, in the middle of the night
She ran up the hill, to where her lover had died
Her wedding gown was donned, her ropes were tied
And she hung herself, in the middle of the night.
.
They say her spirit lingers still
Where the lovers died, upon the hill
To protect the ones who love at will
For love, she stays; for love, she kills.
.
But I am just, a passerby; I believe not in local myths
So I make haste to leave, To continue forthwith.
.
But when I reach her hill, I see the strangest sight
I stop and stare, in the middle of the night:
The silhouette of a man, with a woman in white
Together the sit, under the moon light.
.
The moon recedes behind the clouds once more,
While the fog obscures the two from my view
And when it lifts and the moon shines again
They weren't there, the lovers who'd loved true.
....
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Dearest hiraeth,
) Thank you for all your work and keep it coming!
How do you come up with these things?! The little wind you blow blows me off my feet. I wish I could be you. But then again there are some mistakes.
There are only two, which I will tell you now. Take your time and read it again. I didn't see any.. I don't know.. reason why she hung herself? This could completely be coming from my head, so correct me if I am wrong. Also, where it says " 'Twas Forbidden Love, they ran away " You forgot to add another ( ' ) you know?
Again, this could all just be in my head but other than that, You are favorite poet EVER. I think it's weird how I am correcting you when I need LOTS of improvement myself (in fact, I bet you you could even review my review since I'm such a noob at writing
Sincerely,
MariaDaCat
Hi! And of course your review is valuable; even though one may not themselves feel as if they are any good; everyone else will definitely care for his/her comments. After all; we write for our readers as much as we write for ourselves
Dearest hiraeth,
) Thank you for all your work and keep it coming!
How do you come up with these things?! The little wind you blow blows me off my feet. I wish I could be you. But then again there are some mistakes.
There are only two, which I will tell you now. Take your time and read it again. I didn't see any.. I don't know.. reason why she hung herself? This could completely be coming from my head, so correct me if I am wrong. Also, where it says " 'Twas Forbidden Love, they ran away " You forgot to add another ( ' ) you know?
Again, this could all just be in my head but other than that, You are favorite poet EVER. I think it's weird how I am correcting you when I need LOTS of improvement myself (in fact, I bet you you could even review my review since I'm such a noob at writing
Sincerely,
MariaDaCat
Hi, I'm Oxara, here for a review
this . The imagery of hearing and echoing in the night builds suspense and an eerie atmosphere that makes makes me want to keep reading.Interpretation
Let's start with interpretation; the story about the lover's distress of her lover's death brought her to her own end is rather interesting. This story was inherently interesting and made me care about the characters because there is clear action and emotions that make me want to keep reading
Imagery
The imagery at the beginning brought me to attention and it's use kept me interested throughout. For example
Consonance
Throughout your piece there is a lot of consonants such as You used this to subtle yet great effect as as the first intro it gives a really nice flow and makes it easy to jump into the poem while also making it really interesting
parallelism
Your use of parallelism and other forms of repetition is pretty abundant for example This makes the story feel like it connected together and is a complete story by circling back to a previous point.
[b]critique[b]
This part of the story almost tells us and does not show us. It also feels like it flows less easily than in the previous stanza. While it is not complacently comparable you could try using similar techniques for stories of showing not telling in this poem as well.
[b] critique[b]
A more minor critique is a slight overuse of repetition this in my opinion is a bit overkill because it feels almost forced and doesn't flow as nicely as your other repetition and other use of figurative language.
conclusion
You use of figurative language in general is really powerful and makes us interested in the story. While there is room to improve it was a really fun poem to read and the story it tells is awesome. Really good job keep it up!
Oxara,
Thank you! your advice is highly appreciated, and I'll try to improve!
This is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE. The language is vivid, concise, perfectly chosen. Your pacing is incredible. I felt riveted by the poem, unable to physically move. The poem just had an atmosphere that felt very isolated to this one poem, fixing my attention on everything that was happening.
When I was younger (and still now, I suppose) I read a LOT of ghost stories and folk tales, and this has that exact authentic feel of something your grandmother would tell you to scare you. Because I was fascinated by this stuff (and still am), it resonates deeply with me, but I think that rule would apply to a general audience because the mood is so developed.
Awesome job!
thank you! these praises are ruining me.
This poem was beautiful it was romantic and sweet and wonderful in all. It was amazing to read.
thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
This poem was beautiful it was romantic and sweet and wonderful in all. It was amazing to read.
This was a very good poem. A lot of poems in the romance genre are overdone, but yours is simple and enjoyable. I love your use of old fashion words. I think your 'moonlit hill' scene was an excellent choice for this poem. All in all, a beautiful poem.
<3
Hiiii @hiraeth, it is amazing... I like it... The way you describe it it really good... Great work....
thanks a lot!
Hello! I liked the use of in medias res in the intro to this poem, as the image of the woman hanging is a powerful, dramatic one and holds the reader's attention. The language you used is kept very consistent with the old-school ballad-like style you seem to be going for (I enjoyed seeing words like 'sepulchral' and 'forthwith'), to which the rhymes also contribute. I find rhythm important for this style of poetry, so I'd recommend either using a more even rhythm (you could even try using meter) or grouping the lines into separate stanzas depending on how they sound.
For example:
Those parting prayers unheard
Those sepulchral songs unsung;
The secrets of her heart no longer screamed
From where her lifeless figure hung.
They say they hear her
Echoing through the night;
In the darkness, they feel her,
Feel her longing for the light.
To me, at least, the lines in the first stanza read slower than the ones in the second stanza, so I've separated them. I'm not entirely sure if this makes sense, but in any case, stanzas of some sort are a good idea for longer poems.
Besides this, the first use of 'in the middle of the night' felt unnecessary to me. I get that you're trying to create an effect, but after that chain of wonderful rhymes that came before, it feels a bit like an arbitrary title drop. The second and third instances I think are effective though.
Finally, I really liked the last line, and the poem as a whole is a good read. Thanks for sharing!
Okay, so i know exactly what you mean! And normally my style is to divide the poems into stanzas of four or eight lines, and i'd actually done the same here, except it seems that since i copied this directly from wordpad to the yws box, the spaces didn't register. I didn't notice until now, but thanks for the review! I'll do the changes. : )