Years and Years have passed
But the memory's still new;
Like a second soul, like a sixth sense
I'll forever remember: The Story of You.
Youth was etched in my heart, unstained
I didn't know what I would miss
But now that it's lost, so am I:
Me and my regret, roaming an abyss.
once upon a time
On a faraway land
Lived a young girl
of the high and grand.
Her heart so light,
Her life so bright,
More was yet to come
And so was a knight
The trees changed colors
A light breeze blew,
So came autumn
All fresh and new
Young Teresa laughed
Ne'er a single wail
And then began her own
Precious little tale.
A fateful meeting followed
And even though she didn't know
Beautiful, young Teresa
Had met her Romeo.
Tristan, was his name
And his eyes were wide,
as he took her in,
she said "Tristan," and smiled.
They teased and played
As the days grew longer
They didn't seem to notice
When their bond grew stronger.
Never had Tristan met a girl
So pure, so bright, so fun
His feelings for her grew everyday
He was the sunflower, she was his sun.
Never had Teresa met a boy
So gentle, So kind, so fun
Her feelings for him went out of control
She was the sunflower, he was her sun.
Shy to admit it,
Neither said a word.
Love so pure, Love so deep
Didn't need to be heard.
Her hand was his crutch
His arms were her wings
With the other it became clear,
The beauty of all things.
But happy endings are scarce
And so they'll meet this fate
Even if it might've worked
Days were gone, it was too late.
Time Finally gave up on them
Just as all was going well,
Hence came the razing storms
Of breaking hearts and living hell.
Teresa was to be taken away
Far across the seventh sea
To live elsewhere, start again
Life's not always what you want it to be
Torn and desperate and hurt
Tristan bared his heart
But Teresa was dragged away
In the end, she had to part.
How she wishes, to see him again
To tell him what he never knew
And seven seas is a long distance
They'd never meet again, that much was true.
Dawns Brought hope
Nights Brought fear
All alone, Juliet hoped
Her romeo would reappear.
I Know I'll never see you again
But I do every single night,
You're in my dreams, in my heart
In the darkness you give me light.
And I didn't have the courage
to say it before,
And so I'll say it now:
Years and Years have passed
But the memory's still new
I don't know how you could never know
Always and forever, I'll love you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi. Your poem was very beautiful and catching piece of work. It is a mixture of story telling and poetry and there was really good balance between these two.
You are very great in choosing words and every single words seems to be suitable and its own place in your poem.
You have also got some great lines too:
"Like a second soul, like a sixth sense"
"Love so pure, Love so deep"
"And seven seas is a long distance"
"Dawns Brought hope, Nights Brought fear"
Keep writing!
thank you!
Hello! Care for a review?
This was really light and fluffy and cheery and... what's the word I'm looking for? WISTFUL! And I thought it was really sweet. But then it had a really dark edge towards the end- I thought they were going to die, actually, especially with the Romeo and Juliet references. Heh. But I thought it was pretty neat! And you had some great rhymes.
I thought it was a little odd that the title of the poem got mentioned so soon at the beginning, considering it was quite a long piece (mind you, I think that's what ballads are about?) But that's just a little thing. I also found it curious that you capitalised it, like a (the) title. It kinda gives the impression that you're trying to point out that that's the title!
I thought this was a cool bit, but it also sounds kinda odd hearing autumn being referred to as 'fresh and new' as fall tends to be... the poster boy for... change, yes, but not newness. Fall is more, well, the end of summer, and the preparation for winter (I love fall, I just don't think the image you were trying to convey quite works with that). But that's just my opinion! ^_^
The bolded bit is my favourite! It's refreshing because it was like... I don't know, about kissing and romance? It was like they slipped into love, and it was a cute, new way to say it. And I loved it!
I think this ballad could use a bit more of that. I found a bit could have been a little more unique. An example would be the use of Romeo and Juliet for names, even if it's just sorta place holders to convey that they're lovers, it still feels a tad on the tacky side. So many people use Romeo and Juliet as a way to say "these two are in love".
One other thing I noticed was that the sort of middle of the work was bolded, and I couldn't really tell why? It didn't really seem to add much to the poem, and mostly just distracted me from the piece itself. That's just my thoughts, though!
Anyway, I thought it was a pretty cool poem! Keep it up! c:
-Holysocks
thanks for the review! and yes, i agree with everything you said, and I'll be sure to improve
You're welcome! C:
This is really, really great. I like the flow of it, and even though I'm not very familiar with meters, I think it comes across as very intentional in its flow (Whereas poetry can sometimes seem to be lacking purposeful flow). I do, however, think that - if it doesn't disrupt the meter or your intention - writing "you" instead of "The Story of You" would work better in the context of the style. Also, when you use things like "Once upon a time" and "ne'er," I think that could be a bit cliche and overwritten UNLESS you change the entire poem to really have an authentic ballad/epic feel to it. The tone and style of the poem just seems a little confused right now.
Wow, it's amazing..... You are so so amazing and thank u for sharing this.. It's really beautiful and a great piece of work.. Amazing...keep it up..
thanks
Literally, my only words are:
KEEP ON WRITING! THIS IS AMAZINGLY AWESOME!
~Liberty500
thank you!
This is amazing! And so beautiful! I have zero criticism. You don't need to change a single thing.
thanks. it means a lot. most people said it was nice but lacked "substance" when i showed it to them a couple years ago, so i was bit....dubious publishing this.