I try not to pay attention
To the voices in my head.
I try not listen
To all the things they’ve said.
They just don’t know what I go through.
They think I’m happy
They think my smile is true.
~
What seems like two days would feel like forever
I try to keep my cool,
But I can’t seem to get things together.
I follow the preacher
And try to take his advice.
I do everything in my power
And keep my prayers long and nice.
~
But I’ll do it. I’ll endure it.
I know I’ll sacrifice.
I’ll do it for the ones I love,
But I know I’ll pay the prize.
They think I got it all
All the attention and the praises.
But they just don’t realize
That I just want to be free from the crisis.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there! Care for a review?
For some reason I'm a huge fan of the construction of raps, though I don't enjoy listening to rap myself. I always think they're so interesting with just the unique flow they have- and of course how rappers manage to say things so fast and in that sort of singing but not-singing way that they do. It's bizarre!
This part, I think what's trying to be said is that people don't know what the narrator goes through. I found this a little confusing at first because just above these lines, it using "they" to refer to voices in the narrator's head. The only indication we get that it's switching from talking about voices, to talking about people, is that there's a period- the sentence is ended. But still, there needs to be mention of who "they" are if there's going to be a switch in who's being talked about. I also of course could have just misunderstood this and it's actually still talking about the voices, but I thought I'd let you know just in case.
I don't know why, but I really like this line. There's something so sweet about it- like, I don't know, the thought of prayers that are longer and more "appealing" to the creator seems kinda sweet to me? Maybe that's just because I feel like prayers- both short and long, whether they're beautifully phrased, or mumbled in haste-- I don't think it means a difference! But that's just my opinion. In any case, this line made me think and got a reaction out of me and I liked it. I also at the same time found it a bit sad though, because obviously this person is feeling incredibly troubled- and trying the best he/she/they can to get things better.
I felt like some of the flow for this rap, wasn't as strong as it could be. And I even tested it by trying to sort of rap my way through it!
In any case, I hope this helps! Keep it up! c:
-Holysocks
Thank you so much. This was my very FIRST rap song and I can admit I am not a professional. I will try to improve, but thank you for the review.
Hi there tinybookfaire! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.
First, the things I liked: I was drawn in by the title, and the rhythm/flow of the piece is pretty good. One way I can test the flow of lyrics is if I can come up with my own tune in my head and it fits, and these verses pass the test.
Where I feel this could be improved is in the overall structure. Most rap songs (and songs of any genre, really) that I'm familiar with have a verse-chorus structure. The chorus is usually short and memorable and contains the main idea of the song. The verses tend to have a different structure and contain more details building up to the chorus.
Right now, what I'm seeing is a lot of vague statements that don't really connect to a central idea. The first verse is honestly pretty cliche and forgettable, especially since who "they" is is not clear. The second verse is the strongest of the bunch, as it has some specific images like trying to listen to the preacher and presents a clear idea of someone struggling inside but trying to keep up appearances. The third verse has the same vague feeling of the first verse, goes back to that undefined "they", and ends on the very weak rhyme of "praises" and "crisis".
What I'd do to develop this is think about who you're addressing and what the main idea is. The title is "to my future therapist", but right now it doesn't feel like that intimate connection a patient and therapist would have. If that's what you wanted to create, I'd include more specific details, something that feels like I'm getting a window into the speaker's life. I'd also think about developing a chorus that expresses your main message in a clear and unique way so that the verses can grow by adding details to that message.
Overall, I think you have a good rhythm, but the ideas could be developed a bit more. Keep writing!
thank you for the review!