Dear diary
I think, even though he is a mere human, that I love
him. I know that the Archangels will be angry with me as I
was not sent to Earth for this purpose; I was sent to find
Fallen and lost ones of our kind as our people are slowly
but surely dying. For all I know I could be the last one, the
last Angel forever trapped on Earth with nothing but the
comfort of knowing that I tried. But I will not think like
that, I will continue my search, I cannot let my people
die.
Ambriel
............................................................................................
"Just great," she muttered to herself.
"Another day of class."
She despised the academy, she truly did. Everyone called
her Amber and made fun of her long white blonde hair;
they had nicknamed her ghost. At least she could see
Morte again, he understood her, he listened and he didn't
call her Amber like every other demon in the school.
She pulled on her clothes, grabbed a bag and walked
out into the cold winter morning. Dead leaves blew into
her face then swirled up into the sky. She looked up and
wondered if they were alright, she hoped everything would
work out, then she could go back home and stop worrying.
The road to the academy was windy and led through a
dark wood. As soon as she approached the academy she
immediately sensed something; it was no Angel but she
wasn't frightened either. It came from behind the science
block and her first instinct was to go and investigate. As she
neared the scene she was abruptly stopped by the sound
of the five minute bell. "Darn!" Ambriel exclaimed just as
her history teacher walked past and barked at her to get
to lessons.
The rest of the day went by in a blur. She almost flew
out of the classroom to reach the back of the science block.
When she got there, nobody was in sight; however, when
she scanned the ground she found a single dirty white
feather. It curved at the edge and glowed with a dark light.
That could only mean one thing. It was a feather of the Fallen.
.............................................................................................
Dear diary
I must contact the Archangels, I have found evidence of a
Fallen Angel. I hope and pray that it is not a completely
immoral Angel but an Angel that did not agree with God's
rules. Some angels are destined to fall, some are born into
it, and some are completely and utterly evil. I do not know
what I shall do if it is evil; I am not exactly strong and
have no weapons but I have something no Fallen has: a
mission.
Ambriel
.............................................................................................
In Ambriel's class there were only nineteen pupils, one of
which was Morte. He had dark mysterious eyes, caramel
brown hair, a pure white face and a painful smile.
Everybody wanted to get to know him but no one was
good enough. Except Ambriel. She was unusual, familiar
in a way. Not like they had bumped into each other once
before. More like they had known one another a long
time, as if they were connected somehow.
But he couldn't talk to her for too long, he would get
angry and lash out. He didn't want to hurt her. He had a
secret deeper than anyone's at the academy and not a
soul could find out. If somebody did, it would put that person
in great danger, not the other way around.
Ha if it did he would have a delirious fit of laughter. Or not.
Right now he was watching her, boring his eyes into
the back of her head as the dull English lesson went on
around him. Ambriel wasn't paying much attention to the
lesson either. She was doodling feathers over her English
book and daydreaming of days when heaven was full of
angels. Maybe that would happen one day but not any
time soon.
"Sir?" Ambriel raised her hand, "may I go to the toilet?"
The teacher didn't even turn his head but simply said yes and
carried on with the discussion.
"Me too sir." Morte announced.
"Are you bunking off lessons?" Morte asked, grinning
mischievously. Ambriel span around.
"No I am not!" she snapped indignantly.
"Anyway, what are you doing?" Ambriel questioned.
She smiled when she realised he couldn't think of anything to say.
"Well I am off somewhere else, business to attend to and
all that, will you join me?" Morte requested,
bowing so low his nose hovered above the worn carpet. Ambriel blushed.
"Why of course your majesty." Ambriel replied, curtsying quickly.
She followed him as they walked through the door that led to the
dull sports field outside. He guided her to the back of the field
where a sturdy log lay against a crumbling brick wall. He
clambered up the wall and held out his hand to her.
"You trust me?" he asked.
Ambriel nodded and grasped his hand.
"Then jump." Morte said as he hauled her over the other side.
"You like it?"
"Mm." Ambriel mumbled meekly.
She took in the green, dewy wet grass, the entwined
flowering trees and the perfect clear blue sky above them.
"Care to picnic?" Morte asked spreading a velvety red cloth
across the grass and producing a hamper full of food.
"So, where do you come from?" Morte asked Ambriel charmingly.
"Well..."
How could Ambriel answer this one? Well, I come from
heaven, I'm here on Earth to save the Angel kind because
they are dying? Somehow Ambriel didn't think that it
would be the right thing to say.
"I come from," she paused, "well why don't you guess?" Ambriel asked playfully.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about, I probably won't
tell you much about my past" Morte said smiling.
"oh really? Why?" Ambriel asked curiously.
"just forget it" Morte replied as he got up and walked away.
For a while Ambriel just sat there thinking why? What did
I do? We got on brilliantly yesterday, and the day before that,
and, I thought things were going well, weren't they?
But then she got up and left too, she shouldn't be
here to flirt with boys, it was to save her kind and quite
lately she'd been forgetting that. The search was back
on. Well at least once she had got some rest.
But as soon as Ambriel got home she didn't want to sleep,
even though she needed to. Her hand was itching for a
pen so she could write down all her feelings, pour her
heart out. She got up and reached for her diary.
...........................................................................................
Dear diary
Forget whatever I said about him. I hate him, that's
a very strong word for an Angel like me to use. I don't
care about him any more, he was just an obstacle in
my search. I need to find someone though, soon. The cure I
need has to be out there, a mistaken Fallen full of true
heart will save all Angel kind. I wouldn't care about the
fame, I would be overwhelmed that we had been saved
from our unwilling fate.
If one Angel dies all connections die with it. The planets
would be no more, the Angels all gone. That means I
have to find the cure before Elijah dies - the angel with the
most developed condition - I have one month. If I
don't find it before then we all crumble, including the only
one higher than the Archangels. I wish that I could end on a
more positive note, but I have nothing further to say.
Ambriel
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
First off, the nitpicks:
I feel that, towards the end, this lost the feeling of a dairy entry. I had to read it twice to remember that she was writing in her diary because it just sounded like her thoughts explaining to the reader what was going on. I would recommend editing this to making it sound more like she's writing to herself. Also, when you're writing diary entries, I feel like you should put a date somewhere on it. Usually, that's how we normally write diaries and it would give the reader a bit more information.
I feel like the "Ha" here doesn't fit.
Hi! :) I love this piece. I love the overall idea of it and where you seem to be going with the story. I also adore the relationship between Ambriel and Morte, even though it is a bit confusing. I do think you could have more character development here, though. So far, we know nothing about your MC except that she is an angel. Give us some of her personality. I know you're writing in third person, but give her a few traits that are her own; they can especially come out in the diary entries. As a reader, I want to know more about your characters. Also, I want more details. You don't give the reader many details on the setting.
As the other reviewers point out, there are quite a bit of grammatical errors. I would advise reviewing these yourself or have someone that's really good at finding these mistakes for you. They're quite distracting from the story; for me, at least. I really like how you switch back and forth between the diary and the narrative. It's different, which I like! It also gives you more opportunities to make your MC shine. Third person can often be impersonal and emotionless, but with the diary you can make us really feel involved in the story. Overall, this is a really good story that I'm going to continue reading. Keep them coming and let me know when you post more! I look forward to reviewing them! :)
Well, I decided to come back to it a bit before I go to bed. And like Snoink said, there are a lot more than I am pointing out but this is to help you so no worries!
Again, semicolon or period...
Don't capitalize history unless it is a specific history that he teaches. And "lesson" should be lessons or her lesson.
Comma after "there." Separate "insight." And either a period after "in sight" or a semicolon. Then a comma after "however."
;) I like the fact that she is praying. Aside from that, if you're going to capitalize "Angel" all the time, make it a rule. Also, a comma after "born into it" because there are three items in the sequence.
...Period after "evil." After "has", you need a colon not a comma.
I suggest: But he couldn't talk to her for too long because he would get angry and lash out. He didn't want to hurt her.
You seem to use your commas to separate ideas a lot and that's fine, I do the same thing. But you need to study the rules of comma usage so you can help avoid run-on sentences. I'm not trying to be critical, just trying to help you be a better writer.
This is higher level problem and common pitfall among writers. "They" is plural but "soul" in your previous sentence is singular. Try changing "they" to someone. Or reword it all together to avoid the problems that follow. Like this: If somebody did find out, the secret would put the person in great danger, not the other way around.
Well, I'll see if I can come back to it later. It'll be good to see what else you come up with in the future.
Just a quick note! Don't worry too much about putting it in manuscript format. Nowadays, publishers like it when you use the automatic formatting that Word has. The days when they actually had manuscripts formatted like what you did was back in the typewriter days, and nowadays publishers get annoyed with that sort of format. It's harder to read and to eventually convert into a novel!
All right, so there was some grammar errors. Listen to emmer -- she's awesome! But also know that there are more grammar errors than what emmer pointed out, so be careful about that.
As far as the actual story, I like the concept, but I think you can make this sparkle a whole lot more! Instead of just talking about who they are and how they're treating, show us how the other classmates treat her! That will tell us a lot.
Also! I noticed that you don't really like the word "said." While there are many synonyms for "said", usually it's better just to stick with "said." It's a good thing, honest.
Anyway, nice stuff! Have fun with this story -- I know that one of my favorite stories I wrote was one I started when I was 13.
Okay, I won't be able to go through all of this at once but I'll try and come back to it once I have more time. Okay, I know you're only twelve and you've edited this a lot but there are a lot of grammatical errors. If you are serious about writing, I suggest going through a textbook or a manual to fine tune your punctuation. That being said, let's go through the technical things:
Either separate these two phrases with a period after "purpose" or use a semicolon.
Always capitalize Earth unless you are talking about dirt.
I suggest: "Just great," she muttered to herself. "Another day of class."
Capitalize "Ghost" if it's her nickname. And a semicolon after "hair"
After "sky" try separating the thoughts with a period. This is a run on sentence and could be fixed in other ways depending on what you are trying to convey. Also, who is "they" referring to? The other Archangels?
So anyway, that's a rather large post with quite a bit of info in it for you. I hope this helps. I will pick up my critique when I have more time but so far this is good! I like the content (and have always had a fondness for angels, etc.) and with a little help with punctuation, it will be really good. Keep up the writing!