Last Angel chapter one

by tinkembell

Published November 14, 2010

In Last Angel

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Spoiler! :
this is a story i'm working on its about 22 chapters long (not all here, don't worry) please tear it apart if it makes it better, thanks (:

Chapter one

Dear diary

I think, even though he is a mere human, that I love

him. I know that the Archangels will be angry with me as I

was not sent to earth for this purpose, I was sent to find

Fallen and lost ones of our kind as our people are slowly

but surely dying. For all I know I could be the last one, the

last angel forever trapped on earth with nothing but the

comfort of knowing that I tried. But I will not think like

that, I will continue my search, I cannot let my people

die.

Ambriel

............................................................................................

"Just great" She muttered to herself

"Another day of class”

She despised the academy, she truly did. Everyone called

her Amber and made fun of her long blonde white hair,

they had nicknamed her "ghost”. At least she could see

Morte again, he understood her, he listened and he didn't

call her Amber like every other Demon in the school.

She pulled on her clothes, grabbed a bag and walked

out into the cold winter morning. Dead leaves blew into

her face then swirled up into the sky, she looked up and

wondered if they were alright, she hoped the plan would

work so she could go back Home and stop worrying.

The road to the academy was windy and led through a

dark wood. As soon as she approached the academy she

immediately sensed something, it was no angel but she

wasn't frightened either. It came from behind the science

block so her first instinct was to go investigate. As she

neared the scene she was abruptly stopped by the sound

of the five minute bell, "darn!" Ambriel exclaimed just as

her history teacher walked past and barked at her to "get

to lesson."

The rest of the day went by in a blur. As soon as the bell

rang she almost flew out of the classroom to reach the back

of the science block. When she got there nobody was

insight, however when she scanned the ground she found

a single dirty white feather. It curved at the edge and

glowed with a dark light. That could only mean one

thing. It was a feather of the Fallen.

.............................................................................................

Dear diary

I must contact the Archangels, I have found evidence of a

Fallen angel. I hope and pray that it is not a completely

evil angel but an angel that did not agree with God's

rules. Some angels are destined to fall, some are born into

it and some are completely and utterly evil. I do not know

what I shall do if it is evil, I am not exactly strong and

have no weapons but I have something no Fallen has, a

mission.

Ambriel

.............................................................................................

In Ambriel's class there were only 19 pupils one of

which was Morte. He had dark mysterious eyes, caramel-

brown hair, a pure white face and a painful smile, everyone wanted to get

to know him but no one was good enough.Except Ambriel. She was unusual,

familiar in a way. Not like they had bumped into each other once before.

More like they had known one another a long time, as if they were connected

somehow. But he couldn't talk to her for too long, he would get

angry, lash out and he didn't want to hurt her. He had a

secret deeper than anyone's at the academy and not a

soul could find out. If they did it would be them in great

danger and definitely not the other way round. Ha if it were

he would have a delirious fit of laughter. Or not.

Right now he was watching her, boring his eyes into

the back of her head as the dull English lesson went on

around him. Ambriel wasn't paying much attention to the

lesson either. She was doodling feathers over her English

book and daydreaming of days when heaven was full of

angels. Maybe that would happen one day but not any

time soon.

"Sir?" Ambriel raised her hand "may I go to the, toilet?"

The teacher didn't even turn his head but simply said "yes" and

carried on with the discussion. "Me too sir" chorused

Morte. Mr Devon didn't even say anything this time but he

nodded his head.

"Are you bunking off lessons?" Morte said grinning

mischievously. Ambriel span around.

"No I am not!" She snapped indignantly

"Anyway what are you doing?" Ambriel asked him and smiled

when she realised he couldn't think of anything to say.

“Well I am off somewhere else, business to attend to and

all that, will you join me?" Morte said bowing so low his nose

hovered above the worn carpet. Ambriel blushed.

"why of course your majesty." Ambriel joked, curtsying quickly.

She followed him as they walked through the door to the

dull sports field outside. He led her to the back of the field where a

sturdy log lay against the crumbling brick wall. He

clambered up the wall and held out his hand to her.

“You trust me?” he asked her. Ambriel nodded and grasped his hand.

“then jump.” Morte said as he hauled her over the other side

to a small patch of beautiful plum trees.

"I know it's wonderful isn't it?"

" Mm" Ambriel mumbled meekly.

She took in the green, dewy wet grass, the entwined

flowering trees and the perfect clear blue sky above them.

"Care to picnic?"

Morte said spreading a velvety red cloth across the grass

and producing a hamper full of food

"So where do you come from?" Morte asked Ambriel charmingly.

"well..."

How could Ambriel answer this one? well I come from

heaven, I am here on Earth to save the angels because

they are dying? Somehow Ambriel didn't think that it

would be the right thing to say.

"I come from..., well why don't you guess?"

Ambriel asked playfully.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about, I probably won't

tell you much about my past"

Morte said smiling.

"oh really? Why?"

Ambriel asked curiously.

"just forget it" Morte replied clearly annoyed as he got up

and walked away.

For a while Ambriel just sat there thinking why?, what did

I do? but then she got up too and left, she shouldn't be

here to flirt with boys, it was to save her kind and quite

lately she'd been forgetting that.The search was back

on.well at least it was back on once she had got some

rest, she was exhausted.

As soon as Ambriel got home she didn't want to sleep,

even though she needed to.Her hand was itching for a

pen so she could write down all her feelings, pour her

heart out. so she got up and reached for her diary.

Dear diary

Forget whatever I said about him. I HATE him and that is

a pretty strong word for an angel like me to use. I don't

care about him any more , he was just an obstacle in

my search. I need to find someone, soon.The cure i

need has to be out there. A mistaken Fallen full of true

heart will save all Angel kind. I wouldn’t care about the

fame. I would be overwhelmed that we had been saved

from our unwilling fate.

If one Angel dies all connections die with it. The planets

would be no more, the angels all gone. Which means I

have to find the cure before Eliya dies - the angel with the

most developed condition - that means two months. If I

don’t find it before then we all crumble, including the only

one higher than the Archangels. I wish I could end on a

more positive note but i have nothing further to say.

Ambriel

.........................................................................

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Anchor
Review
Anchor wrote a review Review · Sep 15, 2011

Hi I'm Kenzie. : )

First of all, I think this start has a lot of potential, but could use a tad bit work.

As Jellybean said, this doesn't really seem like the first chapter. There's no background and it hardly sounds like the very beginning. There's a lot of infodumps. Just try and remember that although you may understand what's going on in the story, the reader might not. Try slowing it down a bit, and adding more depth.

tinkembell wrote:"Just great" She muttered to herself
I noticed a lot of dialogue punctuation errors. If you'd like, check out the article in the spoiler.

Spoiler
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html


That should actually look like this...
"Just great," she muttered to herself.

I would suggest just going through and checking punctuation. Otherwise, it sounds great so far! Keep writing! :-)

~Anchor

User avatar
Scarlet15 Comment
Scarlet15 commented Comment · Jun 9, 2011

OMG!!! You are truly talented! :D I didn't find anything wrong with this piece and I can't wait to read more!! ^-^

User avatar
jellybean
Review
jellybean wrote a review Review · May 1, 2011

Hello! I think the idea behind this is pretty cool but you need to work on a few things.

First, this doesn't seem like a first chapter to me. It feels like you've started in the middle of a story. There's no buildup or anything; you just give us a ton of information. Try slowing down a little bit. Also, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. For example:

She was unusual,
familiar in a way.


Instead of telling us that she was unusual, show us. How is she unusual? What does she do that makes her stand out from the rest?

I saw a few capitalization/punctuation errors as I was reading through this. If you use a word processor, spell check usually catches all that stuff. If you read through this a few times, I'm sure you'll catch them. :)

Now, onto your characters. They seem extremely bland to me. I'm not seeing much of a personality or anything truly original about them. Give them characteristics that make them unlike anyone you've ever met before. Give them flaws, give them quirks.

Once you do all that, this will be an excellent story. You've got a great plot going on so far, all you have to do is spice up your characters and you'll be good to go! :)

Hope this helps!

- Jelly

User avatar
Soulkana
Review
Soulkana wrote a review Review · May 1, 2011

I really liked this!! It gives a different and very compelling tale of angels and I loved it!!! Your descriptions are great and I can't find anything really wrong with this in my mind so good job!!! Loved the emotion in this and I hope to read more soon!!! Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!! I shall look forward to more if you will post more!!! Best of Wishes.
Soulkana<3

User avatar
Sunshine
Review
Sunshine wrote a review Review · Nov 15, 2010

Hi I'm crafty and I'll be your reviewer for today!
I think you have a great idea here and I like how you added in the diary entery.

"oh really, why?"
Ambriel asked curiously.

This line should be:
" Oh really? Why?," Ambriel asked curiously

You don't have to space every time someone talks. Also, I think you jumped on Morte and Ambriel relantionship. Maybe you could lead up to it more. Thanks!



I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling