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flash fiction piece

by tigershark17

The theatre was black. The only light in the place was coming from the screen in front of us. Hundreds of seats splayed the floor in front of and behind me. I sat by a gorgeous girl with thick black hair and tan skin. Her face was dimly lit by the screen. Others I recognized were scattered throughout the theatre. I couldn’t see the ceiling; it was so high. The walls were miles away. The room was warm. On the screen, a man with greasy black hair was talking to another man, tall, skinny, with short brown spikes. He left. Then the black haired man suddenly began to chant spells in a commanding whisper. People around me started to stand up, and for a moment I did too, then quickly sat back down. The girl beside me stared straight ahead as those around me began waving their hands and chanting the spells with the man on screen in eery, dark whispers. I felt a spirit presence rush by me, brushing me on the neck. Most of the theatre stayed seated, watching the screen, seeming not to notice anyone standing. A skull and cross bones appeared in the air across the theatre for a split second, then vanished. Then in one split second everything vanished into blackness.

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3747 Reviews

Points: 2312
Reviews: 3747

Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:35 pm
Snoink wrote a review...

This is actually a pretty creepy piece, even if it's short. I think I would probably talk about what this film was originally supposed to be or the sort of genre that drew in all these people, because that would definitely set the mood of the scene. If it were a comedy that this guy originally attended, it would be a different sort of feeling than if it were a drama. It might be interesting to see what they were talking about. Also, did the guy that sit down, the narrator, vanish too? I think it might be better to describe the theatre more too... I've been in some pretty creepy theatres with stoic statues, and it would be neat to have that sort of atmosphere described.

Very interesting piece!

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209 Reviews

Points: 10769
Reviews: 209

Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:27 pm
artemis15sc wrote a review...

I found this searching for flashfiction and saw that it had no reviews. Hopefully you wanted reviews, because I'm about to give you one. And I'm going to somehow make 1000 characters on a far less than 1000 character piece. Here we go.

First off, your first line. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but it makes me flashback to middle school when my English teacher was telling us we needed a hook at the beginning of our essays, which I think can be applied here. That sentence could be the start of a thousand different stories. All it's told me about your story is that it takes place in a theater. It hasn't told me why your story is unique. Why I should read it above all the other stories out there. And with flashfiction, you've only got so much time and space to really make your story stand out.

The first little part of your story is just description. It's also not super unique description. The setting you've described is very realistic, but that's actually it's problem. it sounds like a normal theatre. There's still nothing that tells me why this particular theatre is special and why I should care what happens it.

I also think you could amp up the description of the date. It sounds like he's describing her just for the sake of describing her. Try to give him purpose in commenting on her appearance. Is he gloating because his date is so hot? Is he mesmerized by her beauty? Has he had a crush on her for the longest time and can't believe she's finally going out with him? There are a ton of possibilities. And the bets part is we as the audience don't even have to know necessarily. If you give him a reason for commenting on her appearance, even if your readers don't know what that reason is it'll make your writing that much stronger.

Alright. I loved the second half. I definitely didn't know what to expect, and I was blown away by the creativity. I love the mysteriousness of it too. I have no idea why these seemingly hypnotized people were doing this or what the result was, and now I never get too. But I like it.

So, my rounding up comment is this. Try not to describe things for the sake of describing them but only include information that drives your plot forward. See if you can bring the conflict of the peice in the very first sentence so that I'll be hooked throughout the entire story.

And that's all, thanks for sharing!


Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant