I've been thinking about why I'm such a vitrolic, unlikeable person. They say every man has his demons – I say I have nine. I have nine demons and I know every one of them by their name. The first demon, the one I was born with is the one I like to call Pride. It’s the reason I couldn’t admit that I was wrong, the reason I couldn’t tell her my mistakes. If I didn’t have pride; I would have been able to turn everything over.
As I look out the small window, I see nothing but the moon shining on the darkened grass. It reminds me of my second demon, the one I call Temper. I try to act level-headed, I try to act like I’m a man of a dignified demeanor, but Temper let her have it the other night. If he had stayed bottled up; I would have been able to turn everything over.
I enjoy taking long walks by the beach, skipping stones into the murky waters calmly resting under God’s hot sun. It reminds me of my third demon – the one I call Unfaithfulness. I used to think that there was someone looking after me, but nowadays I can’t help but feel like he gave up on me after I gave on him. If I was faithful to her; maybe I would have been able to turn everything over.
My fourth and fifth demons I call Empathy and Depression – the two that make me feel as if I feel nothing, each and every day. Those two are real good surgeons, top class. They took our conjoined hearts and performed a dangerous operation to tear them apart. They definitely contributed to why I wasn’t able to turn everything over.
I popped a piece of bread in the toaster, thinking maybe if I had a cell phone, I could give her a call. The reason I don’t have a cell phone like all the younglings do is because of demon six, Outmoded. I have no cell phone, no flatscreen TV like she wanted me to buy so very badly. Maybe if I had bitten the bullet on that one, I would have been able to turn everything over.
My seventh demon comes in the form of bottles and cans with a sweet, awful liquid inside. It travels from an old restaurant all the way to my stomach, where it sits there and bubbles, it makes me do things I don’t want to do; it makes me say things I don’t want to say. I tell myself no more but in the end, I just can’t get enough. As long as I can’t get enough, there’s no way I’ll be able to turn everything over. This demon is the one I call Booze.
Demon eight and nine…well, now that I think about it, I guess I don’t really have nine demons after all – that’s not as bad as I thought. So I guess the point of writing this is…I’m not perfect. That much is obvious. I’m a depressed, empathetic alcoholic who is vitriolic, unfaithful and most of all, unlikeable. On top of that, I have a mean temper. But hey, the rain is finally slowing down. Maybe I’ll put on my hat and coat and go visit my daughter. I can cook her up a nice big pot of macaroni and cheese. Sometime I'll teach her how to ride that bike I bought her. It’s easy getting caught up in all your demons, all your flaws and imperfections – but having people to care about makes me sure life is still worth living.
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139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
Introduction:
I want to look at this as a bigger entitity.
Hey there, Tiger! I can't wait to start reviewing this piece. Because of its length the review is going to be shorter and sweeter than normal.
Ready? Set?
Go!
Content:
First off, I want to tell you how excellent this piece is. It maintains an excellent metaphor through its entirety, and uses crisp, natural language to accomplish that. My favorite line is probably:
Its casualness speaks to a lack of self-esteem and sadness that becomes apparent as we go on. Great job.
Now, about the metaphor-- I wish you had done more with it. Don't just say "the demon makes me do this" and "the demon makes me do that", but use powerful, evocative terms. One example would be "the demon screeches in my ear, telling me to do ____". But, anyhow, I really did love the way you connected this metaphor to the life of the narrator. Not many writers can do that, you know!
Now onto a quick nitpick:
I'd do away with "the one I like to call" and "the one I call" entirely, because these are not new names for your demons--these are names that we have used and are familiar with. Instead of this, you can just say, "the one called Pride".
Anyhow, let's move on. There are a couple instances where I think you could really elevate your vocabulary and make the entire piece stronger. For instance,
I love that the final demon is alcohol. This is an original and powerful turn of events, and I quite enjoyed it. But I think you could really make these words stronger. There are plenty of alternatives, like "cloying" (sickly sweet), or "honeyed".
Finally,
I don't like this twist, because you don't do much with it. You don't connect it to the lives of people around you, just saying that "I guess I'm not as bad as I thought". I'd either remove it altogether or keep working with it. It feels unfinished.
That being said, I love this piece. I love the narrator's voice, I love the plot, I love the metaphor... it's all excellent. Thank you so much for sharing.
As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Thanks for the review friend (a month late I know x_x)
Hi tigeraye its me again. When you replied to my last review about whether Catalina survived or not, you said that I would Find out in the next story. IF u meant the story aFter this one, then you should have at least told us i she was alive aFter the main character got into her room because, at this point, all the reader thinks is that Catalina committed suicide and was dead when the main character entered the room. Now, moving on to this story, I have to say it was good. However, to me, it was a bit short, compared to your last story, and not as thrilling. however, it was still pretty good, especially how you called the man's sins as demons, and personalized them. However, towards the end, when you mention the daughter, I think you should have added a sentence explaining why he didn't live with his daughter, as that would clariFy things a little For the reader. All in all, it was a good story, and I can't wait to see the next one! Keep writing!
-Zeus
thanks, glad you liked it. I like to keep some things open-ended though
great story tigeraye... a little different from xynophen, but... you're proving to be versatile. keep up the good work.
aw, thanks, I appreciate it. The thing I think would be the hardest to write is comedy, and I have a respect for anyone to pulls it off...its easy to fail I think.
Hello! I am Corralynn and I will be reviewing for you.
First of all I loved this and I will explain some things I would change, fix or things I loved with some of your quotes from above!
"I’m not sure why I’m such a vitriolic, unlikeable person." - this part confused me because he says this but then goes ahead and explains why he is unlikable. I would completely cut this out and just start with his demons.
"If I didn’t have pride(;) I would (be) able to turn everything over." - This (...) happens in most of them, I would personally change it to (;)because it gives the same effect but is more grownup. I usually only use (...) when my characters are speaking. As be my correction by changing it to (be), your story takes place in present tense and this is the only part that is in past tense, but changing it, it just flows a little bit nicer.
"As I look out the small window, I see nothing but the moon shining on the darkened grass." - how does this remind you of temper? Should it be a brash burst of wind? Or something fast or unexpected like a temper? I noticed this a few times as well, by making a direction connection it will be easier for the reader to understand the characters motives and why they remembered that certain demon.
"I try to act level(-)headed" Levelheaded, is two words in one, just add the (-) or put a space.
"This demon is the one I call Booze." – instead of booze I would look at this as one of the deadly sins under Christian and call him gluttony or lust. I’ll elaborate below,
"Maybe I’ll put on my hat and coat and go visit my daughter." LOVE THIS!!! I thought it was girlfriend or wife or something, but my hiding the fact that is was his daughter until the end really makes your heart drop in a good way to get you're message across! GOOD JOB!
Overall, I really enjoyed this. To be honest it reminds me of my friends father and how he treated her and how he must feel. Nobody really cares about the drunken fathers point of view, so it was a real eye opener.
A few notes. I would focus on the 7 deadly sins instead of 9 unknown (self-created) demons. It is something people can easily relate to, since it is used in movies often and something that is talked about. Really it is a minor change of name mainly for you, just more relateable.
Again! I really enjoyed it, and if you don't like my notes that's fine, but you really inspired me with your idea!
Keep Writing!
Corralynn
Thanks mate. The darkness reminds the main character of Temper in two different ways. In one way, his temper is his "darkness", as he attempts to act dignified and calm-minded, but secretly, he's a huge hothead and prone to lashing out at people for no real reason. You also could think that its a quality of his you can't always see, like something in the distance at night or the moon itself.