Young Writers Society

Thanks for sharing. I like the indirect way that the poem demands a deep delving into its nuances in order to understand it. For example, the key to understanding the introduction is provided by the reference to a her. Only then can we understand what is meant by the cowering in the face of his dreams.

If he has dreams of her and his heart impels him, then the speaker would want him to cower instead of plowing brazenly ahead. Since he doesn’t cower, then the speaker knows that her hopes of reaching him are useless. She covers her eyes but could still hear him speaking to her.


The rest of the poem seems to be a recollection of memories that are triggered by visual images and sounds. The statement the she is not letting him hear her voice seems to indicate theat the relationship is no longer in effect and that thetee s a very significant distance now, In short that the he mentioned earlier has won.

Suggestions:

If I were to let you[?]

[“]If the world could not see me I wouldn’t even stay.[”]

your heart, [cliche’]

they were not shooting

[Made me wonder why the speaker believes that stars shoot. and that lack of shooting means they are burnt out. The word [shooting] might be seen as subliminal imagery which suggests a desire to shoot the offending person.]

And dear [God,] why can’t I say what I mean?

Hi! Just stopping by for a quick review.

I really liked this poem; it seems like a simple love poem that we've all read, but the way you worded things and made it go a lot deeper than the typical. My favorite part is the part about the sounds:

"I have a list of things your voice reminds me of,

A clatter of a spoon,

A sunflower stem,

The sun breaking through a hurricane,

Your windpipe filling with rain,

Like honey seeping to the bottom of the sea,"

I like how most of those things don't have a specific sound effect, but you can associate some sort of sound and volume to them. Its a really unique way to describe someones voice.

I also like how the rhyming didn't seem forced at all; everything fit in well and didn't seem to be stretched at all, which I know happens with a lot of poetry.

I do, however, think that if you separated it into 2 stanzas it would be stronger. For example:

"You would not cower in the face of your heart,
Or your dreams,
And that was how I knew I was wishing on burnt out stars,
That they were not shooting but dying,
That we were not strong, we were desperate,
And why would you look at me when you could look at her?
I covered my eyes but I could still hear you speak,
And dear god, why can’t I say what I mean?

I have a list of things your voice reminds me of,
A clatter of a spoon,
A sunflower stem,
The sun breaking through a hurricane,
Your windpipe filling with rain,
Like honey seeping to the bottom of the sea,
Would you recognise the voice of me,
If I were to let you,
This is what I’d say,
If the world could not see me I wouldn’t even stay."

I feel like that is when the ideas are both strong enough on their own to be separated. So it doesn't drag on.

Overall the piece is very strong and I really did like it! Hope this helps a bit! Keep up the good work!!!

-E

Hi thetwofridas! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Just as a heads up, I can sometimes get a little bit rambley in reviews, so just let me know if you don't understand anything. And of course you're the author of this wonderful piece, so all suggestions are only suggestions!

Overall, I'm really fond of this. You've got some good imagery going on here, especially near the end. You do tend to use commas as a go-to at the end of lines, and they don't always fit. Think about it this way: if you didn't have the line breaks, do the commas make sense there? You can see what other punctuation might fit better as well!

It's also a big long, and you may want to consider splitting it into two stanzas. Perhaps you already had it split -- the formatting can get a little messed up sometimes. If you want, I can tell you how to do a line break in the code if you can't get it to work.

I'm going to take it a few lines at a time now and just sort of comment. ^_^

You would not cower in the face of your heart,
Or your dreams,
And that was how I knew I was wishing on burnt out stars,

That we were not strong, we were desperate,

I covered my eyes but I could still hear you speak,

A clatter of a spoon,

A sunflower stem,
The sun breaking through a hurricane,

Your windpipe filling with rain,
Like honey seeping to the bottom of the sea,

Would you recognise the voice of me,
If I were to let you,
This is what I’d say,
If the world could not see me I wouldn’t even stay.

Hi! I'm Space, and I found this poem and thought it was beautiful and I decided I should make a review.

I love all the description, it makes the poem really vivid and pretty, especially "a sunflower stem, the sun breaking through a hurricane, your windpipe filling with rain, like honey seeping to the bottom of the ocean" etc. It's just very metaphorical, and it's perfectly added into the poem so it just rolls right of your tongue.

One thing I found about the line about honey seeping through ocean was that it's very beautiful, it paints a pretty image in your mind, but what does it mean? What is it a metaphor? The message it is sending seems unclear.

Other then that, I found nothing wrong with this poem, and I think it's very beautiful.

Great job!

-Space

Hullo thetwofridas! Cat here to review this lovely poem! Okay then, here we go!

First, let's go through your poem together (Anything in bold is my comments/suggestions/grammar help):

I like your work, especially this. Would love to see more from you