Unravelling the last threads of our conversation, my friend and I stared blankly out the bus window. The familiar scenery flew past us - lush green hills, shadowed valleys, grazing cows. If I closed my eyes I could picture every twist and turn, every bump and pothole.
Though my eyelids were heavy from a long and boring day, I kept them open just enough to notice a small bird in flight.
"Isn't it sad when a bird tries to fly, but all it does is stay in one place?" my friend said next to me. She had also been looking at the bird outside.
I watched through the window as the bird struggled against the wind. All it wanted to do was move, yet it made no progress. It was powerless.
"Yeah," I replied absently. Little did my friend know that her statement was the metaphor I had needed.
All my life I had felt exactly like that bird. Always fighting against the wind, going the opposite direction to everyone else. Never being able to fly away. Trapped in the same place forever.
The bird was me, and the wind was life.
"That bird must be working pretty hard," I said with a sad smile, talking more to myself than to the friend beside me.
My friend gave a slight chuckle. "At least it's not flying backwards."
It was then I realised that she was right. Unlike the leaves and small insects blowing effortlessly with the wind, the bird followed its own path, even though it was more difficult.
And as I watched carefully, the bird slowly but gradually inched forwards towards its destination, one wing beat at a time.
My eyes clung on to the bird until it disappeared around a corner.
My friend changed the subject and I pretended to be paying attention to her words.
The bus rumbled onwards, sending the passengers bouncing and sliding on their seats.
Ironically, the bus headed in the same direction as all the other vehicles on the road, using the same route it had used every day.
Peculiar are the ways in which life sends us messages. Most people expect God to call up one day and tell them what to do. But both the questions and answers are all around us.
We just have to be open-minded enough to see them.
Here to review this Christmas in July!
This was a spectacular short story. It had the perfect metaphor and message, and they were both delivered excellently.
The subject has been done over and over, but this story introduced an original way to present that metaphor with the bird fighting the wind and the bus heading the same direction every day.
The ending was the best part (ooh, that sounded wrong...) because the bus sending the passengers sliding in their seats presents its own metaphor for life: with all the twists and turns, you're going to get bumped around a little. That and the way the bus took the same route as all the other buses, meaning that sometimes things will get boring, we just have to keep going, and how that ties in with the bird in the wind is genius.
Keep doing these kinds of stories-with-deep-make-you-think-metaphors-that-defy-expectations-when-you-read-the-first-sentance (not that it was bad, but I was expecting something different).
Great job!
~Questio~
Hey there! I'm sorta inexperienced with reviewing and stuff, but this story stuck out for me so here goes!
This story was just overall amazing, the subject matter itself (you have to struggle in life sometimes) is something that's been well-written about, but the way you set it up here is truly original. It also reminds me of transcendentalism as it deals with non-conformity and and individuality. Like how the bird can't get to where its going due to the wind, making it hard to "go against the grain."
The first paragraph was very strong, with an enticing first sentence that really drew me in. it made me think "wow, this person knows what their doing." I particularly like the use of 'familiar' here because it gives off a sense of the ride being mundane, as its something done often, like on a school bus.
A part that really stood out as the story went on was when the friend said "at least it's not flying backwards," because that really puts the metaphor your trying to convey into perspective and really rounds it out, if that makes sense.
The ending was awesome as well, with you putting in the fact that the buses were going the same way, as it conflicts with the bird...excellent juxtaposition! I think that's the word lol
All in all you have a great story here and I haven't spotted any grammar issues or anything, so good work!!!
Hey, Thereal! Indie here with a review on this little short you’ve written.
Great hook here, which is very important for a first sentence. I like where you’re going with the unravelling imagery, but it’s worded in a way that doesn’t quite make sense. I think it would be a little more concise if you worded it something like, “The last thread(s) unravelled from our light exchange as my friend and I stared blankly out the bus window.” Though, this also poses the question - if they are good friends, then why the awkward silence? Details, specifics - you need them. How about a name for the friend? Or a little dialogue to open up to explain what exact threads were being unravelled?
Why was it familiar? Specifics, details please. Since this is such a short piece, you want to evoke as much emotion and vibrance as possible.
Think you mean “every” here.
This phrase is ‘boring’ in and of itself. Maybe replace these with more interesting adjectives, or a brief flashback of what had happened previous to the bus ride that was so boring.
Ehh. Awkward. You don’t have to keep repeating, “my friend”, “my friend,” over and over because there are only two characters in this (three, if you count the bird). A simple “she” would suffice.
This sentence is a bit of a run-on. And kind of repetitive - the friend already pointed this out.
Oops! *pretended
This type of narrative is kind of out of the blue. You kind of switched perspectives here. Remember that this is a character speaking. If you wanted to include this in the character’s thoughts, then do so through italics and ‘I realized,’ ‘I thought,’ etc. And explain the correlation between this character and God - what particular issue was he/she dealing with that this ‘moral of the story’ pertained to? Why did this metaphor specifically speak to this character?
~Indie.
OMG I got so caught up in reading your short story I lost track of time.
Okay so I didn't really see anything wrong with it. I really really like it.