Young Writers Society

This story was really fun, but like anirban says, there are some grammatical errors and some bland sentences, but other than that, the plot was great! I love reading stories about little kids, but I know how hard they are to handle, because I've done it before. And even though it was fun, I still think it more a failure. But hey, always learning!
There is a part that didn't seem to fit to me: The part that says "I was a very naughty boy" doesn't seem like something a little kid would think. At least before the gravity actually turned off. You could put that line in after the gravity has turned off as a real-time thought, but it seems unnecessary to put it in where it is.
There were other parts where the language was a little weak or didn't make as much sense as it could have if done differently, but I just reminded myself that the protagonist is six.
So to recap: This story was fun, but not as good as it could have been without certain elements (but still good!) and I respect that you had the courage to tackle the dreaded six year old P.O.V.

~Questio~

Hi therealme,

So lets begin, shall we? Lets start with the pros:

> The plot was nice. It had potential and you exploited it well.
> You drew the picture of the plot nicely, that is to say your characters seemed lively throughout the plot. Thumbs up!
> I love the way you synchronized the whole thing.
> I absolutely love this part :

Was I getting higher or was everything else getting lower? I looked down. I was flying! And so was the seat! Wow, I never knew I could fly. Maybe I have special super powers I never knew about! And that’s when everything else started flying too, which was kind of disappointing for two reasons:

1. Because I was quite looking forward to a new life as a super hero.

2. Because my very angry dad was swimming through the air straight towards me.

I started moving my legs as fast as I could. Who knew what Dad would do once he had his hands on me? Eventually I realised that trying to run wasn’t really getting me anywhere, so I tried copying dad’s swimming action.

This was a lot better, but Dad was catching up.

And then I saw it: a really, really big, shiny, round, red button!

I’m only inches away from it. Since dad was going to kill me anyway, I pushed the button. Dad’s murderous expression turned into complete terror.

"Nooo! Not the big red button!!!" shouted dad.

It’s funny because I didn’t get to read what the label said. I started to read it…

MASSIVE EXPLOSION, DO NOT TOUCH

P.S (goes off in three seconds)

I nervously check my watch… 3, 2, 1

‘POOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!’



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Now lets look at the cons:

>There are apparently a lot of grammatical errors.

"Yes?..." Dad said. Not bothering to look at me, he focused on eating his cereal.

>This sentence seemed a drag. Also I found the full stop pointless after "said". You could have simply used, "Yes?" Dad said, not bothering to even look at me with his entire focus on his cereal."

I sighed. "What do you do, like for a job?"

This was the worst question I could have possibly asked him…

>I do not know why you left two lines after the statement. It should have been like :

I sighed.
"What do you do, like for a job?". This was probably the worst question I could have asked him.

>I also don't understand why you put three dots there where a full stop would have sufficed.

>The part where the protagonist pushes his father's nose mistaking it as a button seemed a bit drag. The idea was really good but you could have experimented a bit.

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Did you borrow the idea from a piece? 'cos some years back, we had a similar chapter in our mid school English text. I don't remember the name of the piece but it was similar to the first part of your story. But anyway I enjoyed reading it. Just go through the grammatical and constructional errors and you'd be fine.

Keep writing.
Cheers!

Hi there, therealme.

I won't lie, this was quite humorous. I think it has potential. However, I also think it lacks some descriptions. This is written in first person, so I think writing a little more about what the main character was thinking would help this story a lot. Descriptions are entertaining. There's this moment in your story where you use an onomatopoeic sound as a dialogue:

"…zzzzzzzz, zzzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Very cute! Rather predictable, and, in my opinion, slightly anticlimactic, but cute none-the-less. Made me giggle a bit. The reviewer before me picked up everything I noticed, especially considering the switch from past to present tense. I do suggest putting double quotations around your dialogue. A nice little piece. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!

Hello again, therealme!

What a chipper little piece. Sure it was a little cliché, but it made me smile nonetheless. I loved the little boy. So typical.

Now for a few nitpicks. You know the drill.

‘Hey Dad?’

Two hours later…

Mr Simpleton looked smugly in his son’s direction. ‘Max?’

I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.

The lift doors open…

It felt a lot softer than the other button. I pushed it.

Nothing happened.

I pushed it again. And again and again and again.

Still nothing happened.

‘I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUSH ANY BUTTONS!’ dad yelled angrily.

I walked up to the button and read the label. The label was a bit worn out, and a few of the letters were missing but it basically said:

which was kind of disappointing for two reasons:

1. Because I was quite looking forward to a new life as a super hero.

2. Because my very angry dad was swimming through the air straight towards me.

I started running as fast as I could.

Eventually I realised that running wasn’t really getting me anywhere so I tried copying dad’s swimming action.

And then I saw it: a really, REALLY big, shiny, round, red button!

It’s funny because I didn’t get to read what the label said. I started to read it… it said:

MASSIVE EXPLOSION, DO NOT TOUCH

P.S (goes off in three seconds)

I hate buttons now. They’re probably my least favourite thing in the whole wide world. Big ones, small ones, it doesn’t matter, I hate them all! Especially the really big red ones.

Its a funny story. I enjoyed reading it. But there is some typing errors and I advise to go over. also you've switched from present to past tense in some places. you've used plurals in wrong ways. But a very creative piece, please write more stories
cheers!