All her life, she always had been here. Never left her hometown of a name she never knew somewhere in the middle of Texas. It’s a small community here and rarely children interact here. They only talk to their parents, their siblings, or their fiancée. Our leaders assume that if we only talk to those people, we’ll be free of any devilish ideas. This includes fiancées because God made them be together forever. In fact, some children as young as eleven gets married but the most common ages are fourteen to sixteen. Well, she hates her fiancée and she’s an only child, so she talks only to my parents. But they’re never around. So, she mostly spends time alone with her thoughts.
Her parents always push her to spend time with Ezekiel, her fiancée. His are parents are trying too, but she doesn’t know what made think they were a good match. But since there are no other options, she has to marry him. She wonders if Mother and Father ever felt like this when they were engaged. Did they always love each other? But they never tell her. They seem they always love each other and God more than her. They always tell me they love her but they never showed it. Maybe it’s normal for parents to behave this way for their children.
But today, they were acting strange. They were whispering in their bedroom about their future and their “big day”. Maybe they were talking about their wedding, she thought. She then remembers that girls at her age were already getting married. Oh, God! Am I marrying Ezekiel soon?! This cannot be happen! I don’t like Ezekiel and I’m not ready for marriage. She walks into their room and finds them with their things all packed up with distress looks on their faces. “Mother, Father. Is everything alright?” she asked in a concern tone.
They turned and see her standing there. “Oh, Jezebel!” her mother exclaimed. “I didn’t see you there. Please have a seat. We need to discuss a very important matter.”
She went and sat on the bed. Her parents were staring directly through her. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” Jezebel asked. Her parents looked at each other than at her. “I mean, you can tell me anything.”
Her mother and father both wrapped their arms around her. “Sweetie, you know that your mother and I have loved you very much.” Her father told her. Jezebel nodded but didn’t understand what they were saying. “It’s just that… well… it’s…?”
“Jezebel,” her mother exclaimed, interrupting her father. “What your father and I are saying is that… we’re going to be away for a while.” Her mother cleared her throat. “And we might not be back for a while.”
“Wait,” Jezebel answered. “What’s going on? What does all of this mean?” She was this close to crying.
“We’re saying that even though we’re leaving for a while, we will always love you.” Her father replied. This was the first time Jezebel heard one of her parents say they love her and actually mean it. They started to leave. Jezebel started to follow them until they got to the front door. Her parents turned and faced her.
“Jezebel, no matter what happens, we will always love you until the end of time.” Her mother told her.
“I love you more” Jezebel replied. Her parents hugged and a single tear dripping off her face. And then, in a single second, they were gone.
A few weeks later, she got a letter in the mail. After looking at it, she knew what happened and started to weep all alone in her home.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey CesareBorgia here for a review,
First I want to say: Welcome to YWS. Secondly, where did you get the names Jezebel from? I've never read or heard of it before
You mention God, and getting married at eleven? Now I'm confused. Does this take place in the past, because in present time, no one gets married at eleven.
"This cannot be happen!" Happen should be happening, and is the marrige arranged, or what? Because if that's what's the case, then it doesn't matter if she likes him. That seems to be a fallacy.
There should be a comma after more.
Everything in this prolouge is happening way to fast, and I'm really confused. I still, however, like your story because the idea seems really original.
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia
My mom actually told me that one of the names they were thinking about naming me was Jezebel. If your wondering, Jezebel is a Biblical name.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I found this sentence a bit confusing sentence. Jezebel lives in a town in Texas, but she doesn't know what it's called? What about when they learned about addresses in school? What did she write then? I think that no matter how small the city is, she'd still know what the city was called.
So the main thing I noticed about this is that you seem to be telling more than showing. Ah, we're back to the never ending, slightly annoying argument of showing vs. telling. What you have here is telling. You are telling us about the city. You are telling us about who the people talk to. I'd love to see you show us this. Show us the city by having Jezebel walk through the city and describe it. Show us who the people talk to by having just a few people in her address book or something along those lines.
Another thing I noticed is that we don't know how old Jezebel is. You mention that most kids get married at a certain age, but you never mention how old Jezebel really is. I assume that she's between 14 and 16 because that's when most kids got married. I'd really like to know exactly how old she is though. And I hope you describe her in a later chapter. What color is her hair? Her eyes? What's her favorite outfit to wear? Paint a picture in the reader's minds and create a vivid image.
Other than that, I think this is a great start to your story. We have a character, we have a setting, and we have a problem. There are so many places that you can take this story. You've ended on a nice cliffhanger as well. I'm left wondering what exactly happened to her parents and why they left her. Good job with that.
Knight seems to have pointed out all the grammar mistakes so I'm not going to bother with that.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Lone Writer!
First things first; welcome to YWS! I really hope you'll enjoy yourself here.
This seems to be a pretty interesting story. Mainly because of it's weird setting and plot as well as the way you write it. There are some things I could comment on though.
That is, as I said, your setting seems really weird. I'm getting the feeling it's an amish society, though I could be completely wrong here. But some of the story and especially the names suggest this. But, despite this, the setting also seems kind of dystopian. This would clash a lot if the story is actually from an amish point of view. It would be quite unique though.
Other than this, the way you wrote this also sticks out to me. Aside from her thoughts, this is all written in third person past tense. As with any story, telling the entire thing in past tense isn't all too appealing. Sure, it works in a lot of places and it can add a lot to a story. But as for this chapter, I would connect a lot more with this character if it was written from her point of view.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
Even if she had a very sheltered upbringing, it would still be reasonable that she at least knew the name of her town.
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I can tell here that this was written from a very personal stance. Let this slip through.
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Slipped again. There are also a few places where you get the tense wrong. This was one.
I do think you should rethink your approach on the tenses.
I'd drop the comma.
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Suggestion
They do still love her, right? They also state they do right after this, so I'm going to assume they do and this deserves a rewrite.
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No, no, no. So her parents leave, and then she just stays home alone for several weeks without any explanation? This just wouldn't fly.
Okay. That's your first chapter. It had some issues and I had to break out my red pen quite a lot. However, it has a story which has a lot of interesting potential. It definately has my attention for now. Especially if it actually is from an Amish point of view. I've never read teen fiction about that. Now I really want to!
If you submit any following chapters, I'll be sure to check them out.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hey! KnightTeen (You can call me Teen, everyone does) is here on this lovely review day to give you a (hopefully) lovely review!
This is a really good beginning. In it, you give us the setting, which really makes the book. If a story is not set correctly, it doesn't work.
But, while your setting is good, I think that you could play around with the words a bit and make it better.
"She had always been here all her life, having never left her hometown (she never bothered to learn the name) in the middle of Texas. A small community, the children rarely interacted with one another."
That's what I would say anyway. It's all about transition, making it flow smoothly so that the audience (the readers) can see what you are talking about.
What I do not understand, however, is the children not interacting with one another. Such a statement really makes no sense, because in any society, the children are the heart of the community. They want to laugh and play together. I live in a small town, and you see kids together all the time.
I see reading on that this is an important part of your plot, but I just really don't see how it is possible. That's my opinion anyway.
fiance
Again, this is a good paragraph. But playing with the words a bit would make it better.
And I am really wondering who this 'she' is. Does 'she' have a name?
concerned
Aha! So she indeed has a name.
I thought that this was a very good beginning. It seems like a very interesting story, and I am left wonder, "What was in that letter?"
But, I have to say, that anything I put in my reviews is nothing more than my honest opinion, and if you don't like it, you don't have to listen to it.
Food for thought.
~Teen~
Hi, it's Em101cats, and I have arrived to review!!!
Okay, before anything else, I just want to say: Beautiful! I love your choice of words. For instance, "weep" instead of "cry." Most people just type down the first word they think of and are done. But you played with words, I can tell, and then you put down the word that seemed the most appropriate for the text. Wonderful creativity with your words!
I look forward, definitely, to reading more of your works. Great work with the suspense! What's on the letter? Why did they leave? So suspenseful! I can't wait to find out what happens next.
I think you left out a comma. Correction: "I love you more,".
I think the way you used 'here' twice catches up the flow of the sentence and kind of makes it sound awkward. Maybe you could try "It's a small communty and children rarely interact here."
I saw no other errors and I absolutely LOVE THIS! Great work. Keep up the great writing!
~Em101cats~