I should have known, she thought. Why didn’t they tell me? Why couldn’t they tell me they’re going to die? God, I should’ve known. For the past few weeks, the community has given Jezebel support after her parents’ passing. Every day they told her that her parents will be with God forever and that God felt it was their time to go. But all she wants is to be alone. She wants to this whole nightmare to go away. She wanted everything to go back to normal.
But on the bright side, at first with news of her parents’ death, Ezekiel and Jezebel thought they can finally get out of their engagement. But for some reason, Ezekiel’s parents thought that they can finally get wed. They believed that her parents’ death was a sign from God saying that they should get married now. Multiple times, his parents would tried to trick them into getting married by making them wear certain clothes on certain Sundays but always found out what was going on before they got into the building.
Eventually, Jezebel and Ezekiel got so sick about their parents pushing them to get married, Ezekiel tried to fake his death so that he can get out of the wedding. His plan did not go well. But Jezebel always heard from other girls her age that they love their husbands and believed that God and parents should decide their future spouses.
One day, while at Ezekiel’s house helping his mother sew new clothes for the church, the doorbell ring. His mother told her to stay back and signaled her husband to answer the door. He walked the empty stairs and walked towards to the plain, white door. At the door were one man and one woman. The man was wearing a gray suit and had short brown hair. The woman was more matronly, wearing a vintage, summer dress with pink flowers on it. “Is Jezebel Anne Stern home?” the man asked.
“She is. Why do you ask?” Ezekiel’s father replied, extending his right hand. He seemed nervous as soon he finished his sentence.
“Charles Franklin. Child Protective Services.” The man shook his father hand. Ezekiel’s mouth just went wide open when Charles said Child Protective Services. “We came here to talk to Jezebel about her parents’ death and who will taking care of her. Is she not home? Is she working?”
“I don’t really think it’s really necessary. In fact, I don’t even know who she is or how you even know about her parents’ death.” Ezekiel’s dad answered. He tries to go back inside but Charles stops him.
“Mr. Barnhart, can I just talk to Jezebel? This is really important!” Charles shouted. At this point, he’s on the verge of punching him in the throat. Fed up, Mr. Barnhart opened the door and let Charles and the woman inside. Jezebel sneaks down the stairs as soon as they got it. She watched Mr. Barnhart offered them drinks. She went back upstairs when all of sudden she heard her name shouted across the room. She walks down the stairs and saw Charles and the woman again. “Are you Jezebel Anne Stern?” Charles asked.
“Yes. Who are you?” Jezebel answered. She went and sat on it. She didn’t know why these two were here. Charles stands up and walks towards Jezebel.
“I’m Charles Franklin, Child Protective Services.” Charles answered. Jezebel didn’t understand what all of this means or why he’s even here. “I’m here today to talk to you about your parents’ death.”
“I don’t even know how you know that, mister.” She asked. “If you know about them, how did they die?” Sullenly, she turned away from him. Charles walked towards and placed his hand on her shoulder.
“Look, I know this is very hard for you, I can understand.” Charles replied. Jezebel turned and faced Charles. His smile was wider than the moon. “When I was younger, my dad was in the Army. He was a very good soldier and one of the best fathers the world has ever known. Then, when he…?” He started to choke up; a single tear was dripping from his face. “When he…?”
“What happen to your father?” Jezebel exclaimed, interrupting Charles. She knew it was against the principles she was taught, but she wanted to know. She placed her hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. You can tell me.” She spoke in a soft tone, kind of like a whisper.
“He… died. He was shot down by the enemy in Vietnam. It was very hard for my mother and I. But, I had to accept the fact that he’s gone and move on with my life.” He replied. Jezebel walked towards him and gave him hug just like the ones her father gave her. “Now, Jezebel, I just want to talk to you about where you’re going to be living for the rest of your childhood.”
“Why would she need to know where she was going to live?” Mr. Barnhart asked, furiously. “She has all she needs right here. She has a loving community, a devoutly church, and her loving fiancée.”
“Mr. Barnhart. Why don’t we let Charles finish his statement” Jezebel exclaimed. She looks towards Charles and smiles. “You may continue.”
“Thank you. As I was saying, due to the fact that your parents die, you will be sent to live with a relative in New York.” Charles spoke. Jezebel then notice the woman sitting next to him is smiling. She started to wave, but Jezebel ignored her.
“Can I ask you a question, Charles?” Jezebel asked, staring at the women again.
“What is it?” Charles answered.
“Who’s that women?” She asked, pointing to the women in the vintage, summer dress. The women stand up and walk towards Jezebel. She started to smile even more.
“Hi, Jezebel, I’m your aunt Sophia. I’m going to be your new mom!” She answered, excitedly. She gave her a gigantic hug and whispered into her ear “It’s okay now. Everything is alright.” Somehow for some reason, Jezebel hugged back and smiled.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Lone Writer!
I'm back for your first chapter. Your prologue had a bit weird, though perhaps unique plot, so I'm interested to see where it goes. This piece is also a little longer, so that's definately good.
I'll quickly go over what I found to be your two main issues.
1 - Show, don't tell.
A lot of what you write isn't really exciting. Don't tell me what is going on, show me!
Most of the time, you just tell the reader that She does this, and she does that. Instead of this, add some more into the scenes. Describe more of what is going on, what she is feeling and why.
I'll use an example:
As they move into the living room, engaged in conversation; Jezebel slowly creeps down from the top of the stairs until she is just out of view to them. Peering down at them, she watched closely as Mr. Barnhart offered them both drinks. After some talk, her name is ultimately called for, and she quickly retreats back upstairs only to run down again, pretending being unaware. Once in the living room, she comes face to face with Charles and this woman
Alright, that's the only time I'll harp on that.
2 - Past/Present tense
You seem to have quite a bit of problems with past/present tense. Now, this is something I can completely understand and relate to...as I have some issues with them from time to time myself. I hate tenses.
Differentiating between when something is happening now and when something has happened is important. You can obviously mix them here and there, though within limits. But when you do, they need to make sense in the piece. And even more, in sentences themselves. I'll use examples of this later.
Aside from these main problems, there were also a bit of grammatical errors as well as unrealistic plot elements.
Okay, I'll write as I go along:
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Wrong tense here.
Really? These parents seem quite out of it. I like it.
Hehe, I have to admit. This was pretty funny.
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This one occurs several times. What happened to the plan though? I want to know!
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Drop the comma.
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Oooh, that's a weak lie. No way he would get away with that.
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Okay, this is one of those really unrealistic parts. There is no way a Child Protective Agency agent would act like this.
Sat on what?
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Not a question.
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Next up, Charles tells a story about his father. And it's ridiculous. Again, completely unrealistic. This almost seems like a scene taken out of a soap opera. Is Charles the most sensitive guy on the planet?
Yeah, soap opera. Jezebel's reactions in this scene is also quite weird. I understand she wants to get away from Ezekiel's family, but she accepted this all a bit too quickly.
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Suggestion
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Singular, not plural. You make the same error right after this.
As I said before, her reactions to all of this is very unrealistic. She has never met this woman before and she immidietly embraces her. Though for unknown reasons, I guess.
The reaction of her aunt Sophia is also too much. 'I'm going to be your new mom'? Damn, that's kind of a creepy line. I'd definately hold back on this.
Alright, that's your first chapter. It has quite a lot of issues, but I'm still interested in what is going on.
Most of the problems you have are things that will improve vastly over time. Especially now that you found YWS. Easy. Your plot is still kind of unique though, so you have some creativity and bright ideas. Continue with those!
I hope you've found youself at home here and continue writing even more. I'll be back to check out this story when you publish it.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hello! I'm SecreteJournalist, but most people call me either 'Secret', 'Journalist', 'Brie', or 'Brianna'. Feel free to call me any of those names!
Are you enjoying the site so far?
I'm going to give a quick review! I haven't read the prologue, so I wont nit pick the actual concept of the story. I WILL go onto just a few minor nit-picks though!
I feel like maybe the parts you had in italics should be separated from the rest of the paragraph.
Cut out 'to'.
Cut out 'But' and capitalize 'on'. Also, cut out 'at first'. And can should be could.
If for the rest of chapter one you refer to this event, then 'One day,' is not necessary. Also, ring should be rang.
There's other nitpicks, but you get the point. Just read through this a couple times, they're easy fixes.
My final nitpick is the fact that this jumps from first person, to second person, to third person. Not in any order. This leaves the reader confused.
Either than that, there is some praise I have! Though the point of view is confusing, the actual story seems to be something I'd like to read. I'll make sure to follow you to read more. If you work to it, I feel as if your writing will blossom! Keep writing, I'm excited to here more from you!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hey, Seb here for a review! I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this story. The plot was interesting, and I'm sure it'll get even more interesting as you go!
I'll go through the things I like first
Your grammar was very good. As I was reading through, I didn't notice any errors; I glanced back through it again, and I still didn't see any notable mistakes.
Also, you introduced what seems like all your major characters in this chapter. You developed characterization for them too, which gives you a good basis to build on for the rest of your novel.
You had a lot of good things in this chapter, but now here are the nitpicks.
You didn't show, you told. You didn't have a lot of description in this chapter, and it all sounded like someone talking instead of a story being told. I couldn't picture anything that was going on, and everything seemed too bluntly written. Try adding more description to your actions.
I think my biggest nitpick with this chapter would be the realism. Your characters didn't really act or talk like real people would, and your older characters sounded very immature. Try thinking about the conversations you hear in real life and how you hear people talk, and then apply that to your dialogue.
Child Services don't really work that way, so I would recommend Googling and doing as much research about it as you can. Also, marriages require both parties signing a legal document to seal the marriage, so it would be impossible to trick someone into getting married.
I look forward to reading your next chapters. Keep writing!