Published January 27, 2010
When It's hard trying to press on,
Impossible going back;
Give all you have to holding true,
And do not let yourself slack.
When you envy a vernal neighbor,
'Cause his hope is still so young;
Stop, put on your worker's hat, and
Remember, "Keep Moving Strong".
Though these days awake alone,
'Cause the nights are in some frays;
Stay true to a just tone, and
Fight! Till the end of the day.
And when comes the hour most will hate,
God will give justice her sweet song.
And when he opens courtroom gates;
Don't fear, just keep moving strong.
(I wrote this to practice alliteration without making it sound too forced.
I also tried not to make the rhyming scheme seem so obvious
{some lines didn't really rhyme but went decently well together]
Please critique)
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141,419 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey Clan! Welcome to YWS!
I had a feeling that this was going to be a religious poem, but I kind of wondered at the message. It seemed like you were supporting God, which is totally awesome, but it also sounded that we were the main people involved with this fight and this fight would be to get to God, rather than finding that God was already with us. And that's kind of depressing... the only reason why I'm a Christian now is because I realize that I have no strength to win over my sins without God.
Anyway, just thought I would comment on that!
I feel like you're having trouble with this line. The number of syllables just doesn't flow. I would suggest a total rewrite of this line. It's not that important or inspirational, at least to me, so you shouldn't have a problem.
Why did you have to put that in quotations? *confused*
This is the only line I really didn't like. In no other lines did you mention anything about a courtroom. I think you need to rethink what your poem is about.
I really liked this. It was a nice and easy read. Keep writing!
Classy
It was a good concept, I liked it, but it needs a bit of work.