Just the slightest chance,
A flicker of hope,
When you say hello,
And I say hi,
And you say how are you?
And I say I’m fine,
I’m such a klutz,
And probably nuts,
But when I trip in the hall,
You help pick up my books,
You smile and say it happens to the best,
I smile back and nod,
Pretend everything’s fine,
Though I feel like an idiot
And it’s hard to breath,
We were never together,
We probably won’t be together,
My friends say get over it,
He’s not worth your time,
But deep down inside,
It’s hard to suppress,
A secret little wish,
That you might be mine.
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Canary word: Present
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,717 Reviews
OK, punctuation Nazis, I'm not very good at grammar, but I added the commas. So thanks to Forever Threnody for helping me with that. And I will admit, that this was very sappy for me. This is probably something I'd make gagging noises at, if I didn't know the story behind it.
I like it. A lot. I do agree with the punctuation though. But... I added in your commas for you! *yay* It was very blush inducing but nicely written. And I don't think it was sappy. It wasn't your cliched "I love him, why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he notice me? I love him" crap, it was deeper and more personal.
Just the slightest chance,
A flicker of hope,
When you say hello,
And I say hi,
And you say how are you?
And I say I’m fine,
I’m such a klutz,
And probably nuts,
But when I trip in the hall,
You help pick up my books,
You smile and say it happens to the best,
I smile back and nod,
Pretend everything’s fine,
Though I feel like an idiot,
And it’s hard to breath,
We were never together,
We probably won’t be together,
My friends say get over it,
He’s not worth your time,
But deep down inside,
It’s hard to suppress,
A secret little wish,
That you might be mine,
Keep writing and I hope I see you around!
Xx Forever Threnody
Awww. Who knew you had feelings, little miss emotional rock? But seriously Em, this is really, um, well, sappy? For you. You hate sappy.
Le gasp! Punctuation errors. Add commas much?
The rhyme sceme fluctuates. I dunno if they're accidental rhymes or intentional, and it kinda makes me think like, "Okay, no rhyming yay, ooh, look a rhyme! Another one! Gasp!" It kind of knocks the poem off-balance.
Umm.... Show, don't tell and all that. It sounds basically like you're telling me all this on AIM, but I want to see it. I want to feel it. Make the books thump when they hit the floor. Describe his eyes when he smiles. Compare your heart to a stampede. Anything. Just all these things you tell me, you need to SHOW me.
Hope this helped and that I didn't get too writer-preachy there ('cause that annoys you, haha).