Young Writers Society

Hi, thanataphobic! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

Words cannot describe how much I loved this. It was full of emotion that the reader could easily notice and feel while reading, and the writing was beautiful. It was a wonderful read, and I'm so glad you asked me to review it. The details you chose to mention added to its beauty.

There's only two things that I would suggest changing, which I'll mention down below.

On Sunday mornings I can hear you humming classical tunes to yourself as you munch on beignets.

Espeically when the ones around you have gone through the same kind.

Well written! Fantastic, I say!

This is wonderful. A great read:)

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To start off, i'd like to say that i really liked this piece. It has very good imagery, which i think is extremely important in literature, and your figurative language throughout was very well done. A sentence that i liked in particular was "Force shadows to creep under your eyes as you stay up on countless nights." i felt this sentence really helped you continue to describe how your character is forcing these things upon himself, but your did it in a manner so eloquent it sort of smoothed out the whole paragraph. Sentences like this occur throughout the story, and it appears to me you have a lovely, skilled voice.
i do have a few suggestions, more on story structure than anything else. Your characters both seem fairly well developed, but their history together is not. One can assume that they spent time together, maybe that they were together, but it's hard to tell because the audience is not given enough information. i suggest adding a few more details to the beginning of the story, where you detail what the boy does each morning. Perhaps have the narrator reflect on how she had spent certain mornings with him quite different than they are now, or how they had read poetry together, made beignets, gone to orchestral concerts. Let the reader know the sweet history behind the two of them, or at least hint at it a little more strongly.
Now, piggy-backing off that suggestion, include a little bit more about what happened to them. When the narrator describes what the boy should do, give little hints about what might have happened, like saying after one of the orders "...like I did after______" (i don't know what you want to have happened, insert something that alludes to a break up or betrayal).
Other than that, i really enjoyed this story! Your voice is very strong and i enjoyed reading it. Just add those few details, and your story will be a bit more coherent and clear to the audience. Good, job, and i look forward to reading other works of yours!
herbgirl

Hey thanataphobic!

You're piece seemed angsty yet saddening, and I think it's quite clear that it's about heartbreak. I like the cohesiveness of the paragraphs, although there were a few grammar mistakes.

For example in the third last line it says, "It Is much easier to cope with pain when the ones around you have gone through the same kind", the sentence seems way too long so just and a comma before when.

Some other mistakes would be unneeded capital letters. I think you need to make sure to go through it again.

A mistake that caught my eye from the beginning would be the heading, "Dear the boy living in the seventh house", I think 'the' was a typo. Also instead of saying the boy in the seventh house maybe say the boy next door, because it confused me when in the end you said, "The girl next door", since it seemed like you were seven houses away from that boy, or his house was seventh on the street.

I did enjoy you're work a lot and hope to see more also I hope you found this useful,
znale1