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in regards to heartbreak

by thanataphobic


Dear the boy living in the seventh house,

I’ve been observing you. I drink in your silhouette through the sheer, peach coloured curtains that protect you like pillars of citrine. On Saturday mornings when those curtains are pulled aside, I see you reading the poetry books you hide every time your friends come over. On Sunday mornings I can hear you singing heart throbbing tunes to yourself as you munch on beignets. On Monday mornings I see you rushing across different parts of your room, almost like a bee flying from flower to flower. I see you near the window. I sense your hesitation as your hand hovers close to the curtains before you pull them aside. Your eyes meet mine.

In that second, I see the repudiation shine in your eyes like light bouncing off of a shattered mirror. I see the regret confused with nostalgia like night air laced with the scent of sweat and soda. I see you wear your ignorance like armour.

Strip away your defences. Rip away your curtains and look at me every morning like I look at you. How will you get over the pain when you can’t look it in the eye?

Turn that ignorance into something beautiful. Write me love letters you will never send. Watch your hands shake – the same hands that held mine – as you write clumsy words that make no sense. Write about all the mistakes you made and all the apologies that remained unsaid. You must read them instead of your poetry books.

Take my tear drops and collect them in a jar. Rainwater. Scrawl the word on with imprecise movements of your wrist. Insist that something so raw and unconditioned, something that came from so deep within me, is meaningless. You must clean your wounds with that liquid.

Force shadows to creep under your eyes as you stay up on countless nights. Breathe in the night air clogged with tears and desperation. Replay the reel of bittersweet memories in your head like an endless horror movie. Ache to hold my body in hopes to soothe your nerves. When you ask yourself why you are doing this, you must tell yourself: I did this to her.

Repeat it to yourself until it is engraved into your memory.

Your armour will shatter and we will be equal; pained, bruised and defenceless.

It is much easier to cope with pain. Especially when the ones around you have gone through the same kind.

Sincerely,

The girl next door.


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 6:51 pm
Mage wrote a review...



Hi, thanataphobic! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

Words cannot describe how much I loved this. It was full of emotion that the reader could easily notice and feel while reading, and the writing was beautiful. It was a wonderful read, and I'm so glad you asked me to review it. The details you chose to mention added to its beauty.

There's only two things that I would suggest changing, which I'll mention down below.

On Sunday mornings I can hear you humming classical tunes to yourself as you munch on beignets.


How can the narrator hear him humming despite being in a different house? It's a cool detail to include, but you don't explain how she's able to hear him.

Espeically when the ones around you have gone through the same kind.


"Espeically" should be "especially".

I'm sorry if my review seemed harsh. That wasn't my intention whatsoever; I had fun reading this! If you have any questions about what I said, please ask and I'll clear things up. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!






Thank you so much for the review! I'm really happy to hear you enjoyed it! I'll edit that line and fix the typo immediately. I hope you have a good day! :)



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Wed Jan 25, 2017 12:01 pm
willachilles says...



Well written! Fantastic, I say!






why thank you, good sir!



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Tue Jan 10, 2017 10:46 pm
DarthAntRin says...



This is wonderful. A great read:)






thanks so much! means a lot (:



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Sat Jan 07, 2017 2:24 pm
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To start off, i'd like to say that i really liked this piece. It has very good imagery, which i think is extremely important in literature, and your figurative language throughout was very well done. A sentence that i liked in particular was "Force shadows to creep under your eyes as you stay up on countless nights." i felt this sentence really helped you continue to describe how your character is forcing these things upon himself, but your did it in a manner so eloquent it sort of smoothed out the whole paragraph. Sentences like this occur throughout the story, and it appears to me you have a lovely, skilled voice.
i do have a few suggestions, more on story structure than anything else. Your characters both seem fairly well developed, but their history together is not. One can assume that they spent time together, maybe that they were together, but it's hard to tell because the audience is not given enough information. i suggest adding a few more details to the beginning of the story, where you detail what the boy does each morning. Perhaps have the narrator reflect on how she had spent certain mornings with him quite different than they are now, or how they had read poetry together, made beignets, gone to orchestral concerts. Let the reader know the sweet history behind the two of them, or at least hint at it a little more strongly.
Now, piggy-backing off that suggestion, include a little bit more about what happened to them. When the narrator describes what the boy should do, give little hints about what might have happened, like saying after one of the orders "...like I did after______" (i don't know what you want to have happened, insert something that alludes to a break up or betrayal).
Other than that, i really enjoyed this story! Your voice is very strong and i enjoyed reading it. Just add those few details, and your story will be a bit more coherent and clear to the audience. Good, job, and i look forward to reading other works of yours!
herbgirl






thanks so much for the helpful review! I don't think I'll edit anything into the piece as of now, but I'll definitely remember those pointers for next time. Have a great day/night!



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Sat Jan 07, 2017 7:42 am
znale1 wrote a review...



Hey thanataphobic!

You're piece seemed angsty yet saddening, and I think it's quite clear that it's about heartbreak. I like the cohesiveness of the paragraphs, although there were a few grammar mistakes.

For example in the third last line it says, "It Is much easier to cope with pain when the ones around you have gone through the same kind", the sentence seems way too long so just and a comma before when.

Some other mistakes would be unneeded capital letters. I think you need to make sure to go through it again.

A mistake that caught my eye from the beginning would be the heading, "Dear the boy living in the seventh house", I think 'the' was a typo. Also instead of saying the boy in the seventh house maybe say the boy next door, because it confused me when in the end you said, "The girl next door", since it seemed like you were seven houses away from that boy, or his house was seventh on the street.

I did enjoy you're work a lot and hope to see more also I hope you found this useful,
znale1 :)






thank you for pointing that out! I'll fix those straight away. And as for the seventh house thing, it's actually a reference to the boy's birthday. A bit random and probably totally out of place, but it just made me feel a bit closer to the piece when I was writing (: Anyway, thanks so much for the review! I hope you have a lovely day/night!




So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl