Stars

Tgirly,

I have to say that I love this poem - not so much the title. I do like the sentiments expressed here though, I like how you incorporated some dream-like, romantic images - and I like the little twist at the end. Well, I wouldn't call it a "twist" per se, but by the end it sort of took an unexpected turn, which kept this from being cliche. I kind of got to thinking that the reason the narrator/speaker is so captivated by this fantastic idea/romance is because life is so dull. I think that rings true to a lot of people.

Now the critique...

1.) Better word-choice? Avoid repetitions.

Fall
From the sky

Of light falls across her face,

Please note the repetition of "falls". I can tolerate it in the first stanza, but there's a much better verb-choice for that second stanza. Illuminate? Reveals? Flashes? Settles?

Also, push her hair back? I understand what you mean, but when I read the word "push" I think about someone pushing on a door. Or pushing a shopping cart. Pushing/shoving a person down the stairs. I think there's a better word choice here. Like brushing?

Go: thesaurus.com
Explore your options. Experiment. Have fun with it. But not too much fun. Please don't use eight-syllable words!

2.) Structure and form

You had a question about the structure - when I was reading it, I liked the experimental feel, I could tell you're having some fun with it, trying new things, being unorthodox - so I can dig that, but what happens is that the flow of the poem is hindered, and it. begins. to. sound. choppy.

Sometimes, I'm even tripping over the words. Like that "stray ray" part - I've read through it three times, it's like a tongue-twister xP Maybe, it's the close-rhyme scheme, maybe it's the structure. Whatever it is, that line isn't working. Read over your poem outloud. See if you stumble over the words. Some lines read a little awkward. For example:

As
I
Drown in the identical lakes
Deeper than the night
Sky
And
Called her eyes.

The structure here is hindering. That last line "called her eyes" sounds like the narrator is literally dialing a telephone to speak to her eyes. I mean, I understand what you mean, but the way that the line is just hanging like that, and the usage of the pronoun "her" is awkward. I think if you say "called eyes" it would make more sense for your poem. HOWEVER - I don't think it's needed. I pretty much got the metaphor as soon as you mentioned identical lakes Give more faith to your readers, no need to spell things out.

So, as far as fixing your structure. Here's the way I think about it: structure is like the bones of the poem that keep everything inside and held together. A line in a poem is like a sentence. A stanza is like a paragraph. The combination of these two, the structure, provides a road map to your readers.

Stanzas are going to be your traffic light - or your stop signs. Now, lines - they are going to be your speed bumps or speed-limits. If you want a fast-pace poem, then you have shorter lines, kind of like what you have here (is this meant to be a fast-paced poem?) If you want a longer, slow-paced poem - then you have longer lines. And then everything inbetween. You guide the reader through the poem using structure, it's like poetic grammar, except the POET makes the rules, kind of like each country has their own special road-laws. But essentially, everything is similar enough from poet to poet that allows the reader to settle in nicely. A driver from America can still drive in London - the rules may be a little different - but essentially, once you get used to it, it's the same thing.

So while poets are allowed to experiment - if the structure is TOO jarring, it can turn off a reader, so be careful.

If you notice, your stanzas are pretty spot-on. Each of your stanzas conveys a different image/idea, so even as you take us from stars, to light, to lakes, and deserts-- the transitions are clear to the reader because stanza-breaks traditionally call for a larger pause and we can soak in the information and move on to the next idea with ease. So you're good on stanzas.

Now then, what about lines?

Lines are a bit more difficult, because everyone does them a little differently and it really depends on the person.

For example, if you want to emphasize on sound - you might break your line at an end-rhyme, or slight-rhyme.

If you want to emphasize meaning, maybe you'll break a poem between the middle of two ideas.

If you want to emphasize the appearance of a work - well - I mean - I've read a poem about a "gun" in the literal shape of a "gun" and well, that's pretty cool, aesthetic-wise. I've read a poem in the shape of a heart. I've read a poem in the shape of a rain-drop. Also, if you've ever read Ellen Hopkins (CRANK, GLASS, BURNED) her stuff comes to mind.

But you want to know what all these have in common, and that is emphasis.

The common rule is that the last word in a line gets emphasized. That's just how the brain works when we read a poem. If you have a line with just one word - you are emphasizing that word. You might as well have that word in ALL CAPS because that's how much attention it's drawing. So when I take a look at your poem, here are the most important words that stand out to me:

flick'ring, stars, fall, ray, lashes, sky, and, face, ear, eyes, tiny, amber, dwell, reason, too

Obviously, there are a few that don't belong, but my attention is called to these words because of their placement in the lines. I hope this helps a bit.

Let me know if you have any questions or want to know/talk more about breaks. I understand it's a difficult concept to grasp. In any case, keep writing. I look forward to some more of your work.

~ as always, Audy

Hey tgirly!

Oooooh. I liked the setting of this poem. It was different, and better that way. A little unusual, but I liked it. Though I had a little trouble adjusting with a certain flow with which to read the poem. But that's fine, because I haven't read poems with such a setting, and it was a first for me. Your imagery was beautiful, and it added a lot more to the overall beauty of the poem.

I have just one suggestion for you:

I think, when you begin you can add an adjective to describe the stars. There'll be more imagery, and the flow will be the same as that of the rest of the poem. You could try "Bright" or "Twinkling", though I'm sure you can come up with something better than that.
Stars
Fall
From the sky
And land in her lashes.

I also suggest you separate this into two stanzas.

A stray
Ray
Of light falls across her face,
Which I push behind her ear

That's all.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to have a deeper meaning to it, but if there was, I couldn't really think of any. I do think it's from a boy's point of view, and that he's looking at a girl and talking about her, though I'm pretty sure that's the general gist of the poem anyway.

*likes* (Now that the ability to do so is back.)
Keep Writing!
~HPR~