Young Writers Society

I have to say, I really liked this poem! One of my favourite parts was:

My bamboo leaves
bristle in the breeze. The wind whistles through
my hollow culm, rustling my
wooden veins.

I love how you portray tranquility in such a beautiful way, and how I can see it, and feel it. My problem often is that I rush through my poems, and forget to show the reader where she/he is and what it is that they're seeing. It's like I'm showing them a movie in fast forward, and the feeling I'm trying to express just gets lost. But with your poem, it's like you're winding the motion down, taking the time to really paint the pictures, to let the reader hear the sounds of the bamboo leaves in the wind, and to show the way the leaves and the bamboo move. I found that very beautiful, and I totally got immersed into the picture you painted.

I also liked:

A peaceful panda
paws at the root
of my body, digging up
soil.

This adds beautifully to the feeling of tranquility you've built up before, and again, you're taking your time instead of rushing. Your word choice is also very precise, I think. You don't use a lot of words, but the words that you do use are very effective and fitting. Yup, you did an amazing job!

Hm, I do have a bit of critique as well though. The next line of your poem is: [qoute]The rich dirt sprays
my face."[\quote]

I love that you added the rich, because it's not just soil, but rich soil. So that was good But...well, I imagine this bamboo, right? And this panda pawing at it. But...when the panda is pawing, isn't the dirt going into the pandas direction, instead of the bamboos? So when you said that the dirt sprayed the bamboo, I was confused for a second. First I imagined the dirt going that way, and then it went the other way, and then I was like: "What?" If the panda would have been digging furiously, then maybe the dirt would have sprayed in all directions and hit the bamboo, but it was pawing gently. This is just how I pictured it as I read your poem, but maybe you pictured it in a different way and it made perfect sense. I would suggest you to take the line out, but that's a suggestion, and nothing more.

A woodworker prowls toward me, ready
to saw my crown out
of the Earth, and turn me
into cutlery.

This part does well in building up tension, but I wonder if it didn't come a bit too soon. At first there was this feeling of tranquility, the bamboo leaves rustling and a peaceful panda gently pawing at the soil, and then BOOOM!! A woodworker comes, ready to end the life of this innocent bamboo and turn it into cutlery. Haha, ok, I'm making this very dramatic now But that's how I felt! I was like: "Nooooooooooo! Little bambooey!! Don't!!" I have this selfish wish that you would take this whole part out, and continue to paint pictures of tranquility that I can sink into and enjoy. But that's me being selfish What I would suggest is that maybe you slow it down a bit, that there's a bit of transition between the tranquility and the tension + sadness. Like having a bit of gray tone between white and black. I think that would make the end flow a little more nicely. Even if you intended the reader to be shocked and a bit startled by that sudden change of mood, maybe make it a bit less intense. Because really, that contrast makes the tranquility even more precious and valueable, and makes the reader want to reread the poem again and to feel the tranquility that just got snatched away. So keep it, sure, just...make it a little less intense and add a bit of a transition. That would be awesome!

Very good job on your poem, and I think I'll copy the first part into my notebook, because I just adore your word choice and the way you paint the pictures. (I'll include your name though, don't worry, not plagiarizing here )