Chapter 1: Asesinato

by tennishead

Published April 27, 2015

12+ Violence

In Short Stories

Asesinato Island; A seemingly innocuous place in Pacific roughly 100 kilometres from Australia. It was uninhabited of people and forgotten from the world from all but a few. It is a beautiful place and the few that have be here never forget the sights that they have seen. It is covered with idyllic limestone cliffs that bring incredible views of an endless horizon. It has stunning white sand that glistens in the never-ending sun and undisturbed rainforests that bustle with life. This blissful silence was interrupted by an ear-splitting crack that echoed through the night. A man was cutting through the jungle, his shirt wrapped around his head in a awful attempt at a bandana. He smelt disgusting; sweat and mud cascaded down his muscular back. He had been in the jungle for three days and three nights. This was the third and final night. As he stumbled along, he stopped for a second and sniffed the air inquisitively. A smile lit up his exhausted face as the salty tang of the ocean assaulted his scenes.

He didn’t have far to go now.

Following his instructions, he had placed the case at the top of hill. It’s contents not even known to him, but the money he received made him not question what was inside. His employer was a very rich man who had no mercy for those that disturbed him. On the way to Asesinato, he was blindfolded on the trip so that he would never come back. He was then briefed, promised that no one had set foot on this island in 25 years and he would be safe. He was told that if he could bury the case within three days and three nights he would be given enough money and weapons to satisfy him for the rest of his days.

“If you ever open the case, I will kill you and your family. I will know if you have opened the case, trust me.”

With that threat in mind, he had climbed the mountain and was on the way back down. The going was tough, he had to swat away insects are large as his fingers, but swatting these kind of insects just makes them want to come back. Earlier that day he had tripped on a stray tree root and broken his ankle.

Every step was now agony.

His arms and legs were now covered in a swathe of ugly bruises and cuts that would have made any grown man stop and scream for mercy. But Luke wasn’t you run of the mill man. Born in Los Angeles, he had dropped out of school when he was 13, and had become a leading member of a drug trafficking gang that had made millions selling illicit substances to the masses. Arrested by the CIA after a bust-up involving a rival gang, he was to spend the rest of his life in prison for trafficking illicit drugs and murdering three men. Five days later he was mysteriously broken out of his cell and despite the manhunt that followed, he was never found.

Luke could see the moon now and the pain in his ankle eased now. He relaxed for the first time since arriving and his progress slowed down as he savoured the moment. He was looking forward to seeing his family again, in particularly his one year old daughter whom he adored like no one else in the world. While consumed in his thoughts, Luke didn’t notice the slight rustle in the trees or the smell of gasoline from another boat docked on the opposite end of the island. The man who owned that boat had been in the tree for seven hours and now he saw his prize. He squinted through his scope into the darkness and readied himself for the recoil that would occur from the snot. He saw his target walk onto the beach and place his hand into his pocket. The assassin didn’t know that Luke had a knife. The assassins who faced him never do. Luke suddenly spun around and threw his hunting knife straight into the trees. The assassin was confused for a second until the answer hit him. He then went screaming down into the vegetation below. Luke smiled to himself. His employer had told him that this was to be expected. His employer seemed to know everything. He calmly sidled up into his waiting boat and sped off into the direction of his money. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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Chaser
Review
Chaser wrote a review Review · May 2, 2015

A review for you...

An excellent start, I'll say that. A hyper-macho character to drive the plot, with some excellent detail strewn in to emphasize the awesome.

It was odd how you'd say that there was a "blissful silence" even though you said that the rainforests "bustle with life" in the last sentence. Also, I don't see what could have made the "ear-splitting crack." A jungle is mostly vegetation, and I'll assume that Luke only had the hunting knife. I don't think a knife could make a cracking sound from just cutting through thick ferns and the occasional branch.

"He had been in the jungle for three days and three nights." This sentence doesn't seem to flow well with the sentences around it, with the "three nights" being a bit redundant with the following sentence.

Run-of-the-mill. Hyphens.

"at the top of hill." First, "the" in between "of" and "hill." Second, why would the mountain have an ocean tang? Could he see the ocean from it?

Your details are quite excellent. They do a good job of pulling the reader into the mystery. But space out paragraphs between different topics. This is an overall superb piece, though.



-Chaser

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SnowAlpha Review
SnowAlpha wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2015

I had just finished reading this work, and I have to say it really caught me. You have nicely opened up the setting and brought upon an interesting character as well.
Everything you have written makes it all seem mysterious and surreal.
It makes me ask questions like: "What is this island?", "How is it important", and "Will this person reach the goal and reward he wishes for?".
The setting, character, and the vagueness behind it all leaves one to eagerly want more.

There are some subtle writing mistakes. The biggest one I could find was from the line in the final section.

"He squinted through his scope into the darkness and readied himself for the recoil that would occur from the snot"

A small typo for "snot" where it would be expected to be "shot".

Also, it seems like there is a perception problem in the last section as well. When the story seems to set on Luke, but then the angle changes briefly to the hiding assassin. Within that part it abruptly changes from Luke's POV while he was lost in thought, to the assassin's POV the line after. Because of the lack of spacing I had gotten a bit confused onto who was who in the situation, but it can be fixed with separating that section.

All in all it is a really solid piece and I look forward to what else you can bring up.

Thanks for the review, I didn't mean for Luke to have a cold!

With the last section I probably should have made the change of POV more clear

Thanks for that, it really helped



Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb