So, this is just a miscellaneous poem I wrote up in about 30 minutes. If you have any critiques, feel free to message me or review this work.
Passing through a town most dreary,
I fell upon a poignant query,
“What happened here,” I quietly mused.
“To leave a town oh so disused?”
The walls were cracked
And the roofs so weathered.
The animals were roaming, completely untethered.
The rain began, so hide I did,
In a dilapidated house in the village mid.
I opened the door, creaky and eerie.
From walking so long, my muscles were weary.
I needed to sleep, so upstairs I went,
To find some refuge in a quilted tent.
I fell asleep to the sound of rain,
Clattering upon the tilted plane.
When I awoke, oh what shock!
To find myself tied to a rock!
I heard a chanting, quiet and vain,
Worshiping an angel’s bane.
“Demon demon, upon The Wall,
We so did find another thrall.
A traveler sleeping in one of our beds,
An intruder who will soon be dead.”
Another thrall?
An intruder, me?
“The house was empty!” I loudly plead.
They do not hear, they only chant.
In the corner or the room, I see a neglected plant.
“Do you wish to escape?”
“Of course!” I say.
“Give me your blood and on the 13th day,
You will be forced to give me away.
Everything given will be revoked,
And your floor will be dark and soaked.
All you need to do is loudly spit,
And your soul will be forever forfeit.”
And so I did and to my surprise,
The potted plant grew to a tremendous size.
“Demon, demon!” “Right you are!
I am the demon, Uravitar!
Granter of Desire,
Weed of Deals,
Now, puny mortal, to me you will kneel!”
Uravitar lent me the potted plant,
And wishes were granted whenever I did chant.
“Demon demon, grant me my wish,
I wish for gold, to make me rich!”
Gold it gave and a kingdom I built,
But I knew that soon, I must pay the bill.
On the 13th day, I began to weep,
For the price of my kingdom was all too steep.
“At least I have a legacy I will leave behind.”
But then, at Midnight, to my surprise,
All of my kingdom faded before me.
Uravitar had his due, damned be he!
He collected my soul and off we went,
A double-horned demon and a good-meaning gent.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
New to leaving reviews so heads up
1. The second line feels out of place; your poem has an easy flow of words but the word "poignet" disrupts the flow.
2. Line 25, "In the corner or the room, I see a neglected plant." Same as #1 Your wording disrupts the flow.
As i said im new to reviewing so this is all i found that could be fixed.
Other wise your work is amazing and the imagery on point
I really like what you did with this. It was a good mix of eerie and humor. I could tell you had fun writing this, and you've got a great sense of rhythm. It helps with these kind of sing-song poems.
). I highly approve.
I'm not much of a poet, so I'm simply impressed by what others can do in the genre. This is a kind of style I can do and appreciate because I've done several myself, and it's just simply FUN. It's a very good sign when you can tell the author had fun writing what you're reading, and it definitely shows. My favorite is the humor in the very last line, like a demon could ever be called a good-meaning gent.
The main character did just kind of invite themselves into the house. I don't think they should be entirely shocked that someone caught them. Maybe because it was creepy chanting, but they sure did seem confident that no one would bother them. And also not entirely creeped out enough by the eerie atmosphere. I daresay, a brave soul they are!
Also, the demon's name is Uravitar. Totally rhymes with Larvitar (the pokemon in my profile pic
The fact that you were able to rhyme so smoothly while maintaining an active story/plot is extraordinary. There were some rhymes or rhythms that sounded forced, but nothing to really gawk at.
Keep it up! These kind of poems are generally fun and are generally great exercises for creative writing. It really triggers your vocabulary and how well you can form the perfect phrase/sentence you're looking for. They're also just generally satisfying to write.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
This is a funny poem! It's very impressive how you wrote it in 30 minutes. The rhyming is good and the lines transition smoothly. The story I feel is a little random (in a good way) which adds to the overall feeling of the poem. I don't see anything that can be improved upon. Well done!
keep up the good work!
Thank you very much! The poem was originally supposed to be a dark, dreary exposition on an abandoned town in the English countryside, but I got unfocused and shifted to a story about a Demon inside a potted plant. Consider this a small look into my psyche, I suppose. Anyways, thank you for the review!
Did you really write this in 30 minutes? The rhyming and rhythm are extremely well done.
Having an online rhyming dictionary at my disposal helped immensely.
