Years without him

This is really really intriguing! I honestly love the idea but right now it seems we only have the skeleton...I believe you can do so much more with this story. I think the short paragraph and wide spanning dates makes for a choppy and confusing read add some more body to this, we need details! There are so many themes at play here, "Sixty years"--so there we have old age or death. And you keep referring to "him"--love or marriage or passion. I want to read the rest of this story and I think you can make this amazing!!
Can't wait to see what you do with this!
--Hanna

I agree with the others. Your premise is strong and could be developed into a great short story. I'll just review and apply some techniques to make your narrative more effective.
At times you are telling the story instead of showing it. Maybe using more sensory language and developing the scene would evoke more emotion, and sympathy for the protagonist. This is particularly the case in the first paragraph, where its almost like a list.
Also in the first paragraph you have used "Hmm!!!!." Limit exclamation marks, and instead build up to show the tension.
Limit adverbs, by doing this the description is stronger.
Also vary sentence openings for more engaging sentences, and to avoid repetition.

With all that being said the narrative content was enjoyable, and the story has great potential.

I agree with the others. Your premise is strong and could be developed into a great short story. I'll just review and apply some techniques to make your narrative more effective.
At times you are telling the story instead of showing it. Maybe using more sensory language and developing the scene would evoke more emotion, and sympathy for the protagonist. This is particularly the case in the first paragraph, where its almost like a list.
Also in the first paragraph you have used "Hmm!!!!." Limit exclamation marks, and instead build up to show the tension.
Limit adverbs, by doing this the description is stronger.
Also vary sentence openings for more engaging sentences, and to avoid repetition.

With all that being said the narrative content was enjoyable, and the story has great potential.

My first thought is, this could be a really great story. Even though it's short (and being longer certainly wouldn't hurt it), I think you did a good job. But, I agree with Myjaspercat, it would improve the story immensely if you added more detail/reason. Was Rishi abducted? Did he dump her? What happened to him? (Also, what is your main character's name?)

I also noticed that you spelt "hmm" not "him" in the first paragraph Your writing style is amazing though. I think with a little tweaking of the plot, you will have an amazing story--one which I would love to read.

Cheers,

Mel.

Hello tanny070395,
Myjaspercat here for a review...

Ok, so my first thoughts on this was that it seems to short. Now I get it is a short story, but sometimes it is best to actually make it longer then say, half a page. For one it would be a whole lot better if you dwelled on this Rishi guy, since your character is obviously in love with him. You kind of give us some thoughts and feelings, but it would nice if you immersed your reader more into your characters mind some. Another suggestion would to add some dialogue between the two characters. It doesn't have to be much but, as your reader, I assume something happened when they meet if she has his number and knows where he lives. So you could give us a little background on that.

Secondly, I want to know more on what happened to Rishi, here you basically said that when he didn't answer his phone you (or your character) went to the house and the door was locked; making you sad and that you didn't see him after that. My question is why? What really happened to him, because I know if I went to a guys house and he didn't answer and he wasn't answering his calls then I would be worried. Yes, I might be sad, but instead of not seeing him anymore I would want to know what happened. So, show your readers what happened to Rishi. What did you character do? Did she call the police or stick around to see if he got home? Or did she just simply shook her head and walked away without thinking anything of it?

Now, I noticed that you classified this as Mystery/suspense, but I didn't really see anything suspenseful. This kind of ties in with my second point; I guess one could say that when Rishi didn't answer his phone and his door was locked could be suspenseful, but that isn't very good suspense. If you still want your story to be suspenseful, you need to add more to it; therefore (going back to my first thought) making it longer.

Third, not only is this story to short, but there is a whole bunch of telling in it. When you write prose (especially short stories) you need to show rather then tell. The main reason behind this is that it keeps your reader on their feet and making there own conclusions, while telling simply states what's happening and what your character's are feeling. Let me ask you a question, when you go to read a book, would you rather read a book that tells you everything or showed you through descriptive detail? If you still don't know let me give you an example.

"Bob was angry"---This is telling, it's boring and doesn't attract a reader's attention very well.

"Bob let out a frustrated scream, kicked open his front door and threw his bag on the floor."---This is showing, obviously Bob is angry, but instead of being told he is angry the writer shows you he is angry.

Now do you see what I mean? Add more, complex detail to your story and it will be ten times as better.

My last issue is basic, make the development better. This seems to rushed.

Anyways, I think that's all. I'm kind of surprised I didn't do a line-by-line but I think what I have written here will help enough. After you edit it, if you do I would love to do another review. Hope I helped and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing. ----Myjaspercat.

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"Editing is like killing your story and then very slowly bringing it back to life." ---Unknown

"A story should be like a miniskirt: long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting." ---Unknown