Published August 8, 2011
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138,931 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Hey there!
Make sure you take care with your punctuation - it can be tricky in some forms of poetry, even the best of us must struggle with it!
In some places your flow was interrupted too, try to work on that. for me, I find reading my piece aloud can be really useful to find where it sometimes becomes choppy. Good luck!
Heelluue, Here comes a quickky, but hopefully helpful, review!!
Ehm so I always begin with the lesser good.. No I dont, but now I am! Eh, so-
* You've managed with great punctuation in most parts of this piece, but in the second stanza you seem to have forgotten it.
* There are some grammatic errors, or just accidental mistakes perhaps.. for example.. this line;
" Yet, I cry when no one when wipes up my messy failures," - The latter "When" in this line seems a bit off, doesn't it? I don't like the word "messy" here either.. seems a bit awkward, try a different synonym
* Also.. you change structure of your stanxas all the time... it bugs the flow a bit so maybe keep to one or two structures.. ?
So that's the bad parts.. but there are good parts too, I swear! For one, I like your style, and the content of this piece. You're telling a great story, and you use brilliant imageries. Even though, as one the flow was partially choppy, if you read the stanzas one by one, it's really good
Good Luck & Keep Writing
I give you 3 of 5 Spiders! But polish it up a bit and I'll send you one and a half more!
// Demoness
Thanks for your reviews! Yeah, I have been trying to clean it up, I'm still working on it.
And OK, paintingtherain, I have absolutely no idea where the repeated word is... Haha, could you tell me which one it is?? I don't really have a computer right now ( I'm on my phone) so editing is kind of difficult...
This is a great poem. There is a bit of messy grammar, in one case a word being repeated twice, but that is beside the point and quite easily fixed. I like the way you've described water and the loss of hopes and dreams and everything. Overall, this is some good work. Keep it up. I hope I'll see another one of your poems.
hmmm...this poem seems a bit messy. You may want to clean it up a little.
This part made very little sense to me, and there's that one randomly long line in there. It looks to me like you forgot a word or two in that last stanza, because "I don't know how to, myself" makes no sense. Also, it seems like you said "and" a few too many times.
Some of the line breaks are also awkward. Example:
This would, in my opinion, read much smoother as such:
Otherwise a very emotional poem...you just need to do a bit of cleaning. Keep at it!