But what’s the point if you don’t have a pretty face? You changed your story around for me, and here I stand, ahead of your two green feet, yellow shoelaces, purple t-shirt, and cannot explain a word to you. I will not. It is my will, not my wall. Away from you I fall as I try to stand again, on my own two toes, as they twinkle beneath the stars which will never cease to glow, luckily for the unstable minds of the world which lean on an unstable concrete ground, threatening and ready to give in at any time. And we all walk around believing we know it all, when not a speck of truth any of us are able to tell, because those who talk know not how to hear or listen, and those who hear or listen know not how to talk. So, the world turns around because it does not know how else to burn or live. Those who inhabit its once sacred grounds have turned it into a heap of dust and 1 metre tree stumps, without any small four-petaled red flowers growing anymore. And as my eyelids burn waiting for me to finally give in and cover my iris from the golden hairs on my chest, I yearn for a world which I know not of, which can never exist, in which I turn right and you turn left and we come down the same path but don’t scream or even breathe a bitter breath. The dirty plates need to be taken into the sink, and the sugar bag needs to be closed up before phone calls are made to life partners, same sex or opposite, noting them of the sleeping hours of each person as well as the additional free gossip on the side, of which no man I have ever known has been interested in. And women talk and talk and talk and talk. And when an important word or sentence comes out of the mouth of anybody I know or can see or hear please let me know. Because the only truth I ever came across, I sensed.
Leave me alone, she said.
Hurry up, and come home, he said.
My real home is any land on which I am alone, she said.
He extracted a confused expression, shrugged his shoulders and turned his ankles to the four walled brick house he unfortunately and foolishly called home.
I love you, she said, painfully.
His back was already turned. He is but a foolish toad who cannot speak a word of the wordless language.
She left him with an I love you, and the sight of his back made her hurt more than the stinging tears she knew were on their way.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm assuming you mean shoes here and not actual feet because you talk about shoe laces next but I'm not sure. If you do mean shoes than I would think about changing that so people don't get confused
your wall? What?
Wow, this is a long sentence
Maybe try to break it up a little more with semi-colons or different sentences.
I really liked this line
This is another seriously long sentence that could probably be broken up with some semi-colons or more than one sentence.
Although I'm not 100% sure what all is going on here I still really liked it. I like the way you wrote it and how well you described things.
-Carly
Ok, i'm not going to do a line by line, because i cannot. I have neither the skill nor knowledge especially with a piece with such strange sentence structure.
Firstly a well done, i always like to stumble across something which is alien, and more than your average piece.
However, and there always is, there were a few things i wasn't so keen on. For one the piece seemed split, whether intentially or not, into two sections, the first lot of thoughts and then the second part with dialogue. This was enhanced with the switch from 1st person too third. I don't know whether this was on purpose but it didn't sit right with me. A short piece like this has to have consistency for it to appeal to the reader. I can imagine the effect on me would have been more profound if i had thought the first character was hurt by the man walking away.
Also the first part seemed at times a bit like a self pitying teenager, i think this could be solved by less focus on the "I" i know that my be hard but it might make it seem like something that wouldn't fit with a background of My Chemical Romance
Saying that I enjoyed the piece, short as it was,
Any Questions PM me