Published October 26, 2008
Eat lunch
Go to class
study study
what a drag
what is this day?
that i say
why it is school
what other place?
School is but a hall of peers
the watchful eyes of teachers
the principle ...
always near
homework and essays
book reports plus more
how much can we take
the teachers think they know for sure
at least there are friends
and school activities help a bit
that make it all worth while
mainly because we dont have to sit
so every day
until our 18th birthday you see
this is the way
that our day will be
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,462 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
Its very good! Keep writing, its just like my school days XD
this poem... well, here's my critique:
Eat lunch
Go to class
study study
what a drag (class and drag to not rhyme.)
what is this day? (this doesn't fit with the rhythm you set in the first stanza.)
that i say (this doesn't make sense.)
why it is school
what other place? (huh?)
School is but a hall of peers (again with the not fitting)
the watchful eyes of teachers
the principle ...
always near (doesn't make much sense)
homework and essays (again with the not fitting!)
book reports plus more (too vauge)
how much can we take
the teachers think they know for sure (um. no.)
at least there are friends (make it fit!)
and school activities help a bit (change the wording)
that make it all worth while
mainly because we dont have to sit (?)
so every day
until our 18th birthday you see (no "you see")
this is the way
that our day will be (no. that's really weird-sounding.)
Good work, keep writing!
-KK
-snorts- typical school. Every teenager's personal hell. I liked this poem because it was short, sweet, and to the point. Just a liiiittle tid-bit;
I'm confuzzled? For some reason, I understand this bit of the poem, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. Try rephrasing, maybe?
Okay, that's really all I had trouble with. Again, great job!
_MQ
Hmm, I don't really understand when you use the phrase "what other place".
I feel, that it was a good attempt, however, you could use,
" What is this day?
That diverts me from play.
Why, it is school,
Pencils, will be my tools. "
Just a suggestion. I do apologise if I have changed your poem in any way to your dislike.
However, I do feel that your the starting of your poem is nice.
Short, and straight to the point and readers can run through the story in their minds.
Hmm, "mainly because we don't have to sit".. Does not really appeal to me.
Once again, a pretty good attempt, however, you could use,
" At least there are friends,
Who would lend a helping hand.
That makes it all worth while,
On my face you'll see a smile. "
This is, again, another suggestion, it may or may not work out on your poem, but, it was nice overall. (: Great job and keep up the good work!! (:
Ha! I am awesome and I get the first review.
Anyway, because you're awesome (and partly because I'm too lazy to write out a proper critique) I videotaped myself reading your poem and commenting on it. Plus! My brother, Griffinkeeper, helped out! So both of us are there and we're both commenting on your poem and giving out advice that hopefully is helpful for you.
You can see the critique here: http://revver.com/video/1279816/affilia ... hat-a-day/
Hope you like it! If you are having problems getting to the video or you can't get to it, bug me and I'll write it up.