They were fighting endlessly. All day and all night – every waking hour red in the face. The children needed a break, so I picked them up in my red convertible Sunday morning.
“Ready for the best day of your life with your favorite Uncle Rich?” I tried to ease the tension with some excitement. Jane and Nathan nodded as they climbed into the back seat. My sister and her husband stood on nearly opposite ends of the driveway as they waved goodbye. I gave them a crooked half-smile as we pulled away.
The car ride to the fair was long. Nathan told me about fifth grade; how his teacher was cute and I ought to meet her, and how on Fridays if you bring in fifty-cents you can get a Fudge-Pop in the cafeteria. He said you always knew when someone’s parents were nice enough to give them fifty-cents because they walked around the rest of the day with a chocolate ring around their lips.
“I haven’t had a Fudge-Pop in a while.” Nathan stared out the window, watching the trees as they went by.
Jane spoke briefly about the bright carpet in her pre-school classroom – funny, the things kids notice – before passing out with her mouth open in the cream leather seat. I watched her in my rearview mirror, begging the gods that her line of drool would miss my precious leather.
I caught myself mid-thought. Why do I care so much about the stupid leather? What is absent from my life that makes my heart ache so tirelessly that I resort to loving a car?
We spent the day tossing rings over small polls, laughing, and filling our stomachs with sugar. Jane’s teeth were tinted blue from her cotton candy, her fingers sticky and her cheeks red but she was the happiest I had seen her in a long time. Her blue smile reached from one small pearl earring the other.
But through each game and underneath each laugh the same thought stuck in the back of my mind like gum on pavement: Why don’t I have children of my own? Why am I alone? For god’s sake, I’m forty-two years old and not getting any younger.
I stood back with my arms crossed over my chest, watching Nathan and Jane as they climbed up onto the tall leather stools. Once they were comfortable each grabbed hold of the stable wooden gun in front of them and put their small eye up to the peephole.
I studied the worn-out carnie behind the counter. His red beard touched his chest, his eyebrows were like caterpillars crawling across his face, and the whites of his eyes were yellowed from countless hours in the sun and long nights. I jumped when he yelled out “Ready, set, GO!” The two began shooting relentlessly at the dirtied-white pins until they were all on the ground. At that point Nathan started cheering. Jane looked over her shoulder at me and smiled a smile so genuine and so warming that I literally felt each inch of my body relax. Children are peculiar little things. They can sense every bit of emotion that runs through you. They know exactly when to wrap their small arms around your knees, when to smile, and when to simply brush their hand against yours.
We pulled up to their house. The headlights lit up the brown siding.
“Thank you.” My sister said as she walked up to the door of the car. She then grabbed a sleeping child in each arm, kissed me on the cheek and walked back towards the house. No, thank you.
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140,234 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hello,
I loved reading this. It's really interesting to hear the character's thoughts. You have also done really well describing everything.
The only thing I can think of to say is in the last paragraph you could change the full stop after 'Thank you' into a comma. Then 'My' wouldn't need a capital letter.
Other than that, I think this is great.
Keep writing!
thank you so much!
I love the title. Silence is my personally favorite word. Silence is something which is so beautiful like the nature.
The way you have expressed about children and about their emotions is really sweet.
Children have their own world. You have written how they find their happiness in simple things.
The simplicity and liveliness of the story is carried out really well.
Now coming to the writing part. The paragraphing can be improved. It would be better if you quoted the lines in italic style or left a line before it. Rest of the story is really good.
keep up the spirit of writing and write more.
Cheers..
Abhi
thank you so much!!
Hey Sophie!
I'll start off with welcoming you to YWS! I hope you enjoy yourself.
There's not too much I would comment on, so it won't be a lengthy review.
Alright, though a bit short, this is a pretty neat story. You give a short but effective look into a troubled home; a very common occurrence. I also like how you used an outsider POV rather than using either of the children.
For the length of this piece, the pacing is pretty good, though writing it a bit longer could include a bit more background, character thoughts and maybe even elaboration on the day itself.
Your writing is good, though there are some questionable lines here and there that I'd change, and I found little to no grammatical errors.
I'll write as I go along:
This line doesn't read well.
Edit
Edit
I guess to introduce your character's name. Kind of sounds like they have several Uncles named Rich though.
Suggestion
This line is fantastic. It alone, tells you almost everything you need to know.
Maybe just use 'falling asleep' instead? I can't picture her being so tired she's passing out at this point.
Edit
Edit
Hm, I had to look up exactly what 'siding' was. I'd use something else.
Very nice ending note.
This is a nice piece, and you write pretty well. I'd like to see more, and longer, works by you.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thank you so much! Your edits are insanely helpful. And thank you for the positive feedback as well!! I loved this review, and would love to see you review more of my pieces, seeing how in-depth you go. I really appreciate you time and effort!!
This is so sweet! I can easily picture everything that's happening, even Rich's longing for a child of his own. You did a great job of showing his emotions and thoughts.
You had a good amount of description, but not overwhelming amounts, which is something some authors struggle with. You had enough to bring the picture to mind, but left enough blanks to let my imagination take care of the details. Nice job!
The only thing I would change: to me it seemed like they were riding in the car one minute, and the next they were at the carnival. It actually took me until you mentioned the carnie to realize exactly where they were. And maybe that's just me being slow, but I think it might have been batter if you had a bit more of a transition between the car and the carnival. Just so us slow readers don't fall behind
Again, great job!
Thank you soo much! I've been struggling a lot with transitions recently, and have talked to my dad a ton about how to transition from one thing to the next without saying "next, they yada yada yada." If you have any tips, let me know!!
Personally, I just say whatever action was next, like "He pulled the the car into the parking lot of the local carnival..."
If I use transitional actions, I don't get stuck using "next" and "then" too much. Hope that helps
Hello, Rhia here to return the favor and review you!
This was a really sweet, tender short story. You really filled out the main character very well for the brevity of the story, and it's bristling with emotion. You were so careful with all the little details. It's such a simple story, yet it slams you right in the stomach a few times. It especially got me when Nathan mentioned that he hasn't had a fudge pop in awhile. Not something I expected to be moved by, but with the way you worked such meaning into every detail, there was no way NOT to be. You also did such a good job of capturing the sweet, loving, innocence of little children.
Atop of being a great little story, it is superbly written. I could not find a single grammar or spelling mess up for me to advise on. Really, I haven't got anything to say against this. I just hope you keep writing, so I can keep reading
Thank you so much!!