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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm real picky on poetry. I don't know what my deal is. And with this poem, with its neutral diction, simple meaning, free verse, I find myself really, really liking it. There's some moments where the grammar isn't even right, or it seems, and I don't know... I just really like it. Then again, I'm big on modernism, and happiness, and so... *shrug*
The only suggestion I have is to be consistent on the tense. There's some times where it feels you're in the present tense even though it's a story regarding the past and that's how you being it.
Dear spinelli,
I'm a writer of Hindi literature, but here I am trying to write in English. Admirable to me I did. You'll get the courage to write to me with comments. Give me your comments as well.
S.Shubham
Hello there! Welcome to YWS!
I think that you have a good start with this. The idea is intriguing and I think that you can end up in a pretty good place once you take a second look and revise this. These are just a few things I noticed that you can work on.
Firstly (and this goes for any work you will write) it always helps to proofread, because then you catch a lot of silly errors. This poem was kind of hard to get through for me because parts of it just felt sloppily put together. Throughout most of the piece you're missing punctuation and in other areas the punctuation is wrong. Is English your first language? I don't mean to sound rude, but the composition of this poem just felt awkward as a whole. For instance:
In the first line, there should be a comma after later and a period or a semicolon after came. Drink should be drank, and I'm also kind of unsure why some starts of stanzas are capitalized and others are not. Also, when you refer to "100 coins" earlier in the piece, it generally flows better of you spell out the numbers.
Other than that, I think there are two key things that you can work on:
-- Character. This piece is pretty character driven, and since you're choosing to tell it through a poem rather than a short story, you have a couple of stanzas to portray the character's arc. I would establish a couple of view very clear character choices at the beginning so you can see how it contrasts with the end.
-- Imagery. I say this a lot in poetry reviews, but it really is pretty important. Just like in short stories, you have to paint an image of your setting and characters through words, because it makes the piece all that much better. Where is this set? When? I think just including those details will give you a much clearer view of your story.
That's all I have for right now. Hope this helps. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions. ^^
I'm real picky on poetry. I don't know what my deal is. And with this poem, with its neutral diction, simple meaning, free verse, I find myself really, really liking it.
There's some moments where the grammar isn't even right, or it seems, and I don't know... I just really like it. Then again, I'm big on modernism, and happiness, and so... *shrug*