The little girl lay there on her bed
One by one tears she started to shed
She held her teddy bear tight
When she heard the stroke of the clock , she knew it was past midnight
She heard the door as it creaked
Her daddy entered, full of alcohol he reeked
She lay still on her bed, terrified
She wanted to run. She wanted to hide
The little girl pretended she was asleep
She was so scared. She wanted to weep
Her daddy came, and beside her he lay
She wanted to scream, but not a word she could say
The little girl now lay on her bed
She wanted her mommy, but she was dead
She lay there alone in the dark, a midst the silence
She wanted to get away from all this torture, all this violence
She then shut her eyes very tight
And could do nothing but hope that everything in her life would soon be alright
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I should of put a seatbelt on for this ride!
Strange here, and I have a review for you
This was ridiculously powerful. You put a right hook, jab, jab, UPPERCUT! That's what I really enjoyed about this poem. It captures fear and emotion. It's sad, I feel empathy for the character. If the character was real, I would hold her. This is one tough thing to go through. Its a great poem, and should be read by a lot of people. I literally give you a round of applause for this gem. Great job
Overall, wow
Strange gives you..
OFF THE CHARTS
Great job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, my friend *Hair flips*
haha thank you so much for that wonderful review Strange! I'm so glad you liked it
Hey, Supernb! Redrum here to give a review. First I would like to start by saying you have a great idea here. You gave a good description which helped set the scene, but it also left out enough details so that my imagination could fill in missing puzzle pieces. I commend you for this because finding the perfect balance is quite hard to so. I would just like to offer a few little nitpicks in the rest of my review. (Forgive me if I seem to go overboard. I'm a bit of a grammar nazi!)
The first line I would like to look at is "One by one tears she started to shed."
I wouldn't say there is necessarily anything wrong with it, but it just reads awkwardly. I can't quite put my finger on it, but a second glance at it wouldn't hurt.
Next I would like to bring your attention to "She held her teddy bear tight. As she heard the stroke of the clock. She knew it was past midnight."
The change I suggest here is to take out the period after "tight". Or your could leave the period and change "as" to "when". Either way these two lines don't work the way they are now.
The comma after "door" needs to be removed in "She heard the door, as it creaked."
"She wanted to run, she wanted to hide"
In my personal opinion, these two parts would read better if they were separated by a period instead of a comma. However, it is technically fine as is.
"She wanted her mommy so badly, but she was dead."
This line would floe better if you took out "so badly". Those two words just kind of mess of the rhythm.
I hope I didn't seem too harsh and I also hope this helps! Again, I think you have a wonderful idea here if you just trim it up a bit.
Keep writing!
~Redrum
Hey Redrum! Thanks alot for the review. it was really really helpful! thank you for being so honest. I will try and make sure i don't repeat these mistakes the next time
I love that this poem is so unusual - it comes as an unexpected jolt. I agree with thegirlwhowrites, this isn't just another poem about falling asleep. Your vivid imagery is superb - I felt as though all the girl's feelings were passed onto me. My only criticism is that in some places, the syllables didn't flow very well - though in some places it actually was really effective, like when you're listening to a gentle piece of music and suddenly BOOM there's a crash of cymbals, etc. Weird metaphor, I know. I hope that was helpful, as this is my first review on this site.
thanks a lot for the review fictional! I'm glad you liked it! and yes honored that my poem was the first one you reviewed! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Oh my gosh! That is such a heartbreaking poem!!
I think you wrote it quite effectively, letting the reader feel varied emotions throughout your poem. For example, at first I thought it was just another poem about a little girl falling asleep, then I was shocked when her father came in, fear rushed into me as it did to the girl and as for the rest I just felt sad and sorry for the poor girl.
Here are just a few things I found:
Instead of a full stop you should put a comma there in between "clock" and "She".
Just my opinion, I would change the "daddy" into "father".. I don't know, it just feels more apt to the story now that I've read the ending... But that's just my point of view.
I love how you rhymed, (I prefer poems that rhyme) as it made it flow more. Just one thing, you might want to think of a syllable formation next time since that usually makes the poem almost lyrical and sound like a song. I mean like a 10-syllable line and then a 7, continuing throughout the poem; but yours worked well either way!
Keep writing!
Thank you so much for the pointers thegirlwhowrites
I'm glad you liked it! and i will keep in mind what you said. Thank you 