I hold a knife in my hand
I want to end my life,
Away from all those who cannot understand,
Away from this misery, away from the strife.
Family and friends, you said,
Will always be there,
I feel all this while I was being misled.
Where is everyone now when I’m in despair?
Just once listen to me,
Let me speak.
I want to run away, I want to be free,
But I feel helpless, I feel bleak.
X
I can see death now,
As it approaches near.
My breathing becomes shallow,
I want to cry,
My body trembles with fear,
No! I don’t want to die.
Not now,
Not today,
Not ever.
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey, runawaylove here to review you poem!
First off, I like the title. The theme is nice. This poem has a simple yet elegant rhyme scheme and I love poems that rhyme. The flow of the poem is really good.
Now the mistakes. I think this poem needs punctuations in all the stanzas. Without punctuations this piece seems a little incomplete to me. For instance,
"I hold a knife in my hand
I want to end my life,
Away from all those who cannot understand,
Away from this misery, away from the strife."
There. Proper punctuations are a very important part of poetry as it makes the piece look better and more organized.
"Just once listen to me
Let me speak
I want to run away, I want to be free
But I feel helpless, I feel bleak."
This is my favourite stanza. I always feel like running away and being free and you successfully captured the emotions in these words. The best thing about this poem is the reader can relate to it. Also I like the ending of the poem. But it leaves me with a confusion. What actually happened to the writer? Death approached, so did he/she die or did he she survive? In the second last stanza it seems like he/she is failing to survive but in the last three lines (which are beautifully written) it states the writer wants to survive but does he/she?
Other than that this is a great piece and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
Hey runawaylove! Thank you for the review! I made the changes and if you want you can read the poem again and tell me if any further changes are required
From what i have heard, people committing usually want to back out at the last minute. When they're about to suicide they feel that they aren't scared of death, but when death actually approaches, they feel scared and start regretting over what they have done. But it's already too late.
So yes it's up to you to assume whether the person dies, or whether this is a failed suicide attempt.
Yeah the punctuations are okay now. Well, I have attempted suicide myself (a failed attempt ofcourse) but I didn't feel scared even for a moment. Though I was saved as my mom found me but later I regretted the fact that she did. However maybe some people do feel scared of death when it actually approaches.
aer123 for a review:
The rhyme in this poem binds the story of the poem nicely together! Very well written as a whole. Structure needs some work, but that is hardly a factor, but include punctuation more as it will add to the elegance of the poem. Be more expressive; not just a 'knive', but a sharp cutthroat sounds better. For the sake of the poem it makes sense just to say 'knive' because the character is in a desperate state: to commit suicide or give life another try? So his sense of being is obviously diluted.
When he realised that he would want to live it makes more sense to add words such as; 'blackbird approaching', it represents death: and 'breathing stops', because he comes to realisation of what he wants, and it all happens in a 'flash', due to the fact that he is on the verge of doing this horrible deed.
Yours sincerely
aer123
Thank you so much for the review!
Hey! ajruby here for a review.
Okay, first, I love that you rhymed here! It makes it flow better, in my own opinion. But there are a few things I'd like to point out.
1. "My breathing become shallow" It should be becomes.
2. "Not now
Not today
Not ever"
I think commas might make this a little bit better, but it's just my own opinion.
3. "Family and friends, you said
Will always be there" This line feels a little bit awkward.
Now for some positive things! I love this poem and I think it's very powerful and speaks to me, at least. It could benefit from another line, but I think right now it's really, really good! Keep up the great work and I can't wait to see more from you!
-Lady Ariana
Hey! Thanks for the review! I made a few changes that you pointed out. IF you want you can read it again and tell me if any further changes are required