Hullo! I'm HibiscusBlush and I’m here with a review!
I've never seen the show Game of Thrones, I know next to nothing about it, however I know it’s set in medieval times. So, from someone reading this as something new, I thought this piece was incredible! It's simple, every word/description has purpose - they instantly trigger vivid imagery - which makes it amazing, in my opinion.
One part I must point out:
Ned tossed the fan back in her lap and Benjen sulked. Her cheeks burned again, this time from shame. She turned away from her younger brother and stared at her hands in her lap. Stupid noble Ned. Stupid Benjen. Benjen was always making jokes and Lyanna was always the butt of them. Ned was worse than father when it came to scoldings, and he always included her as part of the problem. A short trumpet blast filled the air to announce a joust and Lyanna quickly forgot about sulking."
This one paragraph, along with the dialogue leading up to it, told me so much about the history, the current relations, the personalities, and the family statuses as well as some dynamics of every character mentioned. That is seriously cool! And from that point on, I was hooked and I wanted to keep reading. And, really, the same amount of care was put into describing all the characters, not just those four.
A few questions came to me as I read, such as:
Pure black jet, polished and glinting in the sun.
I’ve always known the color to be described as: “jet black” so it sounded off to my ears to read “black jet”. Maybe it’s okay to say it either way? Maybe the description is of a piece of clothing I'm unaware of? I thought it would be worth mentioning.
The prince glittered in the sun as his deep purple eyes looked up to the spectators, searching the faces calmly. Studying his subjects.
“Studying his subjects” being its own sentence stood out, in an off way, to me. I understand there’s nothing wrong with doing this; sometime brief sentences are needed/called for. But for this sentence, it seemed off to me. I think it could flow better if “Studying his subjects” was connected with the sentence before it or in front of it.
Also, there are a few parts throughout where it’s clear its Lyanna’s thought dialogue. I figured it out quickly that it was her thought dialogue, because her voice is very distinctive (which is awesome!). But, I think it would still be helpful to italicize her thought dialogue because it’s possible a reader can get confused.
A hush fell over the crowd as they sprinted towards each other and slowly swelled as they grew closer…
Your word choice for this sentence is just… WONDERFUL! It’s simple and clear, which makes the sounds and the visual of the movement pop. As well as for the rest of the joust act.
A few more small things I noticed:
As the last rider tumbled off his palfrey, the crowd positively exploded with cheers.
I think every word in the entire short is fitting to the medieval time period. The only word that makes me wonder is “positively” above. What I wonder is if it fits. Maybe it’s just me. Perhaps, consider dropping the word “positively” because “cheers” indicates a positive gesture.
The noise had quieted to a smattering of applause and a few small cheers.
Again, simple and clear descriptions! Brilliant sounds and imagery! It honestly gave me a burst of excitement in my stomach to read that. xD
Rhaegar looked straight ahead, head held high with pride, heading right for Elia of Dorne, seated in the very center of the stands… and then walking right past her.
Awesome drama! Only, I would consider changing “walking” to “walked”, because it feels like it should be starting a new sentence with “walking”, but, it’s the end of the sentence. Plus, I think “walked” would give greater impact toward the shock value.
This is the first piece of fan-fiction I recall ever reading. Nonetheless, you wrote this short, and you portrayed the characters and gave a glimpse of an intriguing story (as well as a juicy cliffhanger, whoa!) very, very nicely. Lovely job!
~HibiscusBlush
Points: 2374
Reviews: 25
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