Just jotted this down quickly. Wanted to know how you all felt about it :)
I used to think
The dizzy rush you gave me,
That made my head spin
And took my breath away,
Was a dance.
It was just you and I,
Whirling on the dancefloor
Around and around so fast
The colors all blurred together
So your face was the only thing in focus.
We flew around the room,
Spinning to the music in a way that made me feel
Like I might lift into the air,
Never to come down,
But you held me close and kept me grounded.
Before I knew it
We slowed and then stopped.
The colors stopped running together,
And as you let go of my hand
I realized the room was grey and empty.
I reached out for you,
Groping around as the ballroom darkened,
Still dizzy from the dancing,
Still breathless from being twirled,
But I was alone.
My knees got weak
But before I hit the ground
Your arms were around me again,
Lifting me up
Twirling me around in a sea of color.
I was confused but relieved
As music started again and you spun me
In time with the beat,
Gracefully leading the dance
That took away my breath.
Just as fast you disappeared,
With the music and light chasing you
As I sank to the floor,
Dazed but not as surprised
As before.
It's only after you picked me up a third time
That I realized this wasn't a dance.
We were spinning and spinning,
Twirling out of control,
Nothing more than a beautiful tornado.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem is so romantic! To me, it reflects the idea that regardless of all ups and downs, the speaker and their partner will remain strong and stay united. It's a beautiful presentation of a simple and cute love story. The last stanza had the biggest impact on me, especially from the phrase "beautiful tornado". It showed me that to be with your love, it is worth all the challenges/problems one has to overcome. I enjoyed reading it! To improve, I'd ask you to expand on the "colours" you referred to. It'll provide us with more imagery. Aside from that, very, very well done, and keep writing!
I don't find this very cheesy at all...love does what it does, and sometimes cliches are what comes out of us because of it.
That being said, you've found a very original way to transform a cliche.
Love is a symbolic dance, and I love the sudden transition at the end (boy, do I love a shocking ending to a nice poem) that kind of slaps us in the face.
And we go, "oh, yeah. sometimes love sucks. and it goes out of control and we lose inhibitions." But it's still beautiful and confusing.
Like the natural spiral of a tornado. I loved the metaphor there.
Also nice structure. Looks like something I'd write (structurally and rhythmically) except you rhymed a bit!
I'm scared of rhyming. I feel like it hinders me. But I do love what it does to the flow.
So...great job. And keep writing and stuff. Especially poetry;)
~iron.n
Thank you so much!
I really enjoyed your poem!
I also loved the last line as well in it's opposition. I for one am super fearful of tornadoes, so the thought that it could somehow be beautiful gives the poem the ability to have the reader consider and remember your final phrase.
I like how it started out as a simple metaphor and it gradually built into a scene in my mind. I could picture every line you wrote perfectly. Great imagery.
One particular part I enjoyed was the line "So your face was the only thing in focus". It's almost as if he was the center of the speaker's world, but hey, I could be looking into that a bit too much!
I'd love to see some more poems in the future!
Thanks!
Things I liked:
I enjoyed the part about the sea of color, it was very poetic how you placed it in after his arms.
I hope that this was your fairy tale moment. It sounds magical, was it even real or was it a dream?
Things you could improve on:
That first line was unnecessary, and your punctuation could use work. It was long enough for you to use stanza's.
Notes:
Overall it was touching. Try to save things as a draft before you publish it, it could make the world of a difference. Add more detail about the boy. It was spectacular! Keep writing, you show potential!
Thank you!
Thank you!