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Lucifer'Spawn- Chapter 1 Part 1

by summergrl13


Hey guys! So recently I've been working on this novel and my mom's friend said he'd publish it if he likes it. So yeah, edit away! I'm very proud of this work and I'd love some feedback :D! OH, and the first part of Chapter One is a dream, the second part will be when she wakes up. Thanks!

Lucifer’Spawn

Chapter 1

There she was. That same girl, standing alone in the middle of a field. It was desolate and empty, clearly damaged by fire. The short blackened stalks only came up to my knees. A cold breeze rolled in and I shivered, the wind feeling like a frozen knife pressing on my bare cheek. The girl didn’t even flinch at the rather frigid wind, but instead she just kept her head down with her arms wrapped tightly around her own waist. Curious, I tentatively stepped forward, the stalks making a light rustling sound as I did. At the sudden noise the girl jumped and her head swiveled in my direction. Even though I was about fifty yards away, I could tell she was glaring at me.

She let her arms drop to her sides but didn’t turn around, still glaring at me over her shoulder. Nervously I stepped forward, my eyes frozen on this lovely, yet hostile girl. I saw the glint of her white teeth and heard her low, rumbling growl rip through her throat but, undaunted, I kept walking forward as though I were in a trance.

“Run away…” she whispered softly. Although she still appeared to be aggressive, there was a strange urgency in her voice, a type of warning that made me stop in my tracks. A nearby crow flew overhead, its mocking cry echoing. Cautiously I stepped forward, but nearly jumped out of my skin as she turned her head and snarled at me gain, like some kind of animal. I could see clearly now that her eyes were a deep red and she had sharp pointed teeth.

“Are you okay?” I asked after a slight pause. She turned away from me, looking absolutely furious. “I can help-“

“Get out. Get out, get out, GET OUT!” she shrieked, her body beginning to wildly contort. She continued to scream as her limbs flailed and twisted into impossible positions. Crows quickly rose up, a giant, panicked black cloud, cawing so deafeningly I thought they would drown out the girl’s screams, but I could still hear her over it all.

“Run! RUN! Get out… QUICKLY!” she choked as she began to foam at the mouth, her fit getting stronger.

Knowing something was terribly wrong, I sprinted down the field towards her, suspecting it was a seizure. As I approached, I could hear her bones breaking and snapping like twigs.

“NO!” she screamed as I knelt beside her. “Getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutget

outget-“

Her body had thrust forward with a final CRACK! before she fell limply to the ground in a crumpled heap. I watched as her eye color slowly faded from bright red to a dull, grassy green. I was afraid to touch her, afraid that she’d tense up and yell at me in that horrid voice again. The wind stirred her loose brown waves around her face and into her open mouth. It was eerie the way she stared at me, but I couldn’t seem to get the nerve to close her eyes or walk away. All I could do was stare.

She was thin and lithe, with a dancer’s figure. She wore a dress that looked like it was once a pretty, gauzy white dress but now it clung it her body in tattered grey rags. Her hair, while it was a lovely shade of brown, was matted and tangled in clumps. Her body had clearly suffered from some kind of abuse, because scars and bruises snaked around her arms and legs. There was a tattoo on her wrist; a strange and probably foreign symbol. The tattoo seemed fresh because the skin around it looked red and sore.

“What happened to you?” I whispered softly. I tentatively reached out and brushed her hair out of her face. I noticed my hand was shaking very badly. She was already cold. A freaky ice cold. A shiver went down my spine and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was petrified of both the girl and the place.

I gently closed her eyes and her mouth, but my eyes kept trailing back to that tattoo on her wrist. It didn’t make any sense to me; it was just a squiggle and what appeared to be a tiny target. I traced it with my finger, noticing that it was several degrees hotter than the rest of her and getting hotter the more I touched it. I touched the circle and drew back my hand with a hiss. The tattoo had literally BURNED me.

As if by magic, the girl began to shake and convulse once more, but silently this time. I stepped back, horrified and more scared than ever as I watched her body rise and twist again, her head lolling and her eyes rolling backwards into her skull. I wanted to scream, but it seemed to catch in my throat as I watched her writhing on the ground in another fit. Suddenly, she set her feet firmly on the ground and slowly raised herself; foot to ankle, ankle to knee, knee to thigh, all with impossible fluidity and flexibility. I winced as I heard her bones popping and cracking once more until she was standing there facing me, her eyes still in the back of her head.

She grimaced at me and a low hiss came from between her lips. I felt something warm and wet on my cheek and realized that I was silently crying, terrified beyond belief.

“I told you to run,” she growled. Her voice was low and dangerous, completely different from her high-pitched scream. I was entirely immobile, transfixed upon this lovely, evil creature.

“Foolish girl.” She smiled. “I’ll give you one last chance… to run.” At this she crouched down low and let another snarl rip through her throat. Her teeth bared and I could see blood stains on them. That was enough to break the spell she had on me and quickly but rather clumsily I turned around and sprinted through the dying stalks.

“Run! RUN! GetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutGETOUT!” I heard her scream shrilly behind me. I looked back and she was on all fours, howling after me, her eyes back to the original blood red color.

“Don’t let her get away,” a man’s voice whispered, echoing through the empty field. It gave me gooseflesh on my arms and I found myself running faster, tears still streaming down my face. I could hear her crashing through the stalks after me, her footsteps heavy and her breathing even heavier. I was nearly out of the field and into a small forest. Please, please God let me make it! I silently prayed.

“Get her!” the man’s voice insisted. I could hear her getting closer, panting loudly and tearing up the stalks. I tripped and stumbled through the field into the forest.

“HELP, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY PLEASE HELP ME!” I shouted desperately at the top of my lungs. I could feel my legs getting tired, my breathing getting more labored and I knew that if I didn’t get help soon the girl would catch up to me.

“No one to save you here…” the man’s voice chuckled sadistically.

I finally burst out of the field and into the woods, desperately weaving through the trees as I heard her closing in on me.

“Please!” I sobbed. “Help me, someone!”

There was a slight growl as she pounced and roughly tackled me to the ground. She wrestled with me until she had me pinned down on the forest floor on my back.

“No,” I sobbed, frightened as to what would happen to me. “No, let me go. Please! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

I continued to scream and sob but the girl kept me pinned to the forest floor, grinning like a madman. I felt something slither along my legs and I began to thrash my body desperately. The girl held me down still, her dirty nails digging into my skin as I struggled and she let the snake wrap itself around my waist and neck slowly.

It looked into my eyes and smiled at me. I was absolutely flabbergasted that this snake smiled at me. My screams were suddenly stuck in my throat.

“Now my dear, you’re mine at last,” he hissed, in the same voice as the strange man’s. The snake then opened its mouth wide, showing off its glistening fangs.

“NO! Please no!” I shouted, struggling against the girl’s hold.

“Don’t worry my dear,” the snake chuckled. “You were born for this!” He struck, and I felt his fangs sink deep into my throat…


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Fri May 11, 2012 1:28 am
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zohali93 says...



Wow that was great. Sorry I'm no good at reviewing I'm still unuse to it. I loved how you made suspence that made me think that something wicked was up. :)




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Wed May 09, 2012 7:47 pm
Jagger says...



Holy crap that is good. I love it. It's so sadistic and horrific that all I could do was stare at the page. I really like it and can't wait to read more. I can't even pick at any grammitical errors as far I see. Keep up the good work.




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Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:03 pm
summergrl13 says...



Thank you so much :D it really helps. And I wasn't sure if I should go with this as the first chapter, but the book has a lot of dream sequences and subconcious lucid dreams and such. I'm glad you liked it though :)




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Sat Apr 21, 2012 12:32 pm
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MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hey, Summer!

I am terribly sorry for getting to your writing so late, but my computer wasn't working so I had to wait. I hope the review I give is worth the wait. :wink:

The girl didn’t even flinch at the rather frigid wind, but instead she just kept her head down with her arms wrapped tightly around her #FF0000 ">own waist.
Look, when you mention its 'her' waist you don't need to really put 'own'. It just seems silly since every one knows there can be only one waist with each person, right?

I saw the glint of her white teeth and heard her#FF0000 ">a low, rumbling growl rip through her throat but, undaunted, I kept walking forward as though I were in a trance.
Would read better with a 'a'. xD!

I was afraid to touch her, afraid that she’d tense up and yell at me in that horrid voice again.


The wind stirred her loose brown waves around her face and into her open mouth.
I am able to understand that this wave is meant for her hair, but still some readers might get confused. To be on the safe side, you should write 'hair' and then compare it to waves if you want. You see, it's always safe to mention things clearly. :)

I was entirely immobile, transfixed upon this lovely, evil creature.
Lovely? You might want to choose another word like 'attractive' or 'stunning' because lovely is something good and well evil in itself is self explanatory.

The girl held me down still, her dirty nails digging into my skin as I struggled and she let the snake wrapped itself around my waist and neck slowly.


I have to begin with saying that while reading your story I could identify a good writer. You know there are certain people whose writings tell you that this person has a great potential of doing wonders with writings and I could feel it in your writing. You have a very balanced style of writing and believe it or not, that's the most tough part. So for this I'd like to congratulate you. :)

But there were certain instances where I felt that you were going wrong. I guess the genre this story is in is Fantasy. Am I right? :) So, technically I am not an expert at Fantasy but I'll try to bring forward some points you could work on.


First of all, I'd like to give you a golden advice. Somebody here on YWS had given it to me and I'd love to pass it on to you. When you send novels for publishing, you mostly send the first three chapters. So, it's really important to draw in the editor in the starting because if he/she doesn't like it then you stand no chance of publishing. That's why openers are really important and since they are so important you need to find something original and creative. That being said starting the novel with a dream is the most boring and cliched start a writer could possibly give to the story. I don't want to sound heartless here but don't you think we've read countless stories starting with a dream? Even though what you wrote was fantastic, I don't deny it, but it's a dream and that makes it a cliched thing to start with. I know the temptation to start a piece with a dream is overwhelming but we have to overcome it. I am not sure where this story is headed so I can't suggest any possible alternatives for first chapter so that's one thing you'd have to figure out on your own. If you need any help, you could PM me. :)


Secondly, it seemed so funny that while the girl in the fields kept on warning the MC repeatedly the girl paid no heed to her. I can understand that she was under some spell but you need to make it clear. You need to show how the spell works on her, and even though she doesn't want to go, she is forced. Or something like that. Her mind has to go parallel to her actions. You have to show that somewhere her mind says she's not to move forward but still she can't help herself. You need to make it blatant.


Good things:


There wasn't anything else wrong with your chapter that I could find. I can see how passionate you are about this chapter and I am sure that you're going to get published soon. Your writing is beautiful and you have a good steady flow.

Besides that, the atmosphere you created in the first chapter itself was goosebump(y). The setting was well defined but the best description has to be that of the girl getting seizure. You didn't leave any aspect of her looks and condition which is brilliant. You sketched her perfectly for the readers.

I won't really comment on the characters or the story because honestly, this was a dream and it is not possible to judge much. I'd love to provide you feedback on this area in the forthcoming chapters.


I hope the review helps, and know that this was interesting. :)


~Mia




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Fri Apr 06, 2012 11:44 am
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summergrl13 says...



Thanks :D




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Fri Apr 06, 2012 2:04 am
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



I don't usually read this type of work, so I'm not sure that my review will be entirely helpful...

But your work is very descriptive. It was very easy for me to capture the mental image of this piece, and was very good.
The only things I saw that I would change is that in the third sentence in the paragraph where the girl has the 'seizure', you wrote 'tough'; and in the third sentence in the paragraph about the tattoo you wrote 'sever'...I wasn't sure if these were typos or...

But anyway, it was a very good piece, and I think that the guy would be crazy if he didn't publish for you!





This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot