Observation
(Lucy)
Hi, my name is Lucy. My friend call me shorty or blondie, that’s because I’m both short and blond. I’m eighteen years old. We live in Melbourne, you probably have heard of it but in case you haven’t, it’s in south of Australia. My dad is teacher in high school and my mom is the dentist of city hospital, and I just finished high school. We live in small apartment, almost everything is normal and as usual. But as you read on, you will come up with the unusual parts.
Last summer we decided to go on holidays to Europe. My mom and I were very excited because we hadn’t been out of Australia for ages. Of course I had visited Europe before, it’s where my aunt lives. The last time we visited them I was five years old, so it was quite a time since then and it seemed amazing. Things were proceeding as planned, we were going to Budapest. But as we stepped in Europe things started to change, not that everyone’s life changed, it was only me among the affected.
Let’s skip the part on how our flight was, it was awful OK? The important part is who I met in there. Nope, it isn’t a romantic novel I want to share, it’s more than that. It’s more than everything I had ever known my whole life, and fortunately it doesn’t involve Dracula, vampires or werewolves. I met a boy in there, his name was Daniel. But he wasn’t the only one I got to know, there were his younger sister and his so called friend.
You might have been asking why I’m telling you this shit, this drama. It’s very obvious what you can guess next, that I become friends with Daniel and later we fall in love and so on, but no. It’s not that I never hit on him, actually I tried hitting on him multiple times and it was working too. At the very end things changed in a way I had never expected. At the end I fell in love with someone else and he turned against me and even tried to hurt me, but that someone else run with a samurai blade through Daniel’s chest later.
Are you interested now? Have you had enough shock of what I just said? Or might be like “no way, she is just pulling my leg”. Actually I don’t care what you think but I know this for certain that at some point you want to know how all this happened, as I did.
This is a story of romance and heartbreak that I want to share, which obviously didn’t include me at the beginning but somehow I managed to fit myself in it. Unlike most of the fan-girl stories or first sight love bullshits, this one started out of hate and ended up in hate. There wasn’t enough time to love or to be loved.
The reason I wanted to share this with you is not you, it’s me. Do you know what happens when you are about to die? The most important moments of your life appear in front of your eyes as a slideshow. I just want to describe these slideshows of mine as I’m resting on my beloved’s lap waiting for death, so that they are not wasted. Please don’t leave me alone on this journey of mine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hey, sull191! I saw chapter two in the Green Room, so I thought I'd go over and review chapter one first. Let's start with the beginning.
This isn't an ideal way to start a story. Let me explain: starting out with an info-dump is a great way to drive readers away. Why do they even care about this information at all? As stated by this article in reason number two, starting with a barrage of stuff isn't eye-catching. It isn't new, nor is it interesting. It's been done to death and it's boring. Besides, all of this stuff isn't necessary in the beginning. Through story telling, all of these things can be revealed. One of her friends could great Lucy by calling her 'shorty', her mom could drop a line about going to work at a hospital, she could bring up a significant event that followed her eighteenth birthday, the general surroundings of the small apartment can always be mentioned in the passing, etc. The possibilities are almost endless. In some ways, stating all of that in the beginning could be called lazy storytelling.
Also, does she have one friend or multiple? If she had multiple friends, then it'd be 'call', if Lucy had one friend, then it'd be 'calls'.
Again, why do we care? Start with the unusual stuff if you want us to care. Nothing about a normal life is appealing unless you, as the author, make it appealing.
Yup, I am wondering. It's paragraph four now, there is no action, and there have only been vague hints that have lead nowhere. The narrator has assured us that it'll be good, but it has to be shown. Not just told. It's obvious that the main character is writing this, so artistic license can be given here, but as the author it has to be taken into account about what is interesting in terms of style and exposition. All of this feels like it's being glossed over. So what's the point? Summarizing all of the events and expecting us to take interest isn't a good tactic.
It's the end of chapter one and there hasn't been anything remotely gut wrenching. If I had picked this off of a shelf in a bookstore, I probably would have put it back simply because it didn't have anything urgent. There was no reason to love the characters, since none were really shown. You could even call all of the plot spoiled, since Lucy had revealed the "shocking" event before it happened. This work is called Princess of Hades, but there has been nothing about being a princess or Hades. Not even any foreshadowing. The one think that had hooked me in the beginning was the title, since it had sounded interesting.
Lucy does have the potential to be an interesting narrator however, but maybe if she was shown writing things from an 'in the moment' perspective. (Being in the moment does not necessarily mean present tense, but with things actively happening. Instead of summarizing meeting Daniel, describe what it was like meeting him. In doing that, the narrator could also drop hints about his 'so called friend' and add foreshadowing.)
I do wish you luck with this. So keep on writing!
-Adrian
hello, happy review day. You know, there are a lot of stories where someone is cheated on, but a story where the main character cheats, hm. And then, characters that kill their main character in one chapter...the premise here is very unique and interesting.
Furthermore, this chapter is very well written, carried by the main character being very fascinating; she's sarcastic to a point, blunt to another, but never very much so. Your hooks are very direct and very blunt, yet it's not in a manner that actually takes away from the story.
Overall, awesome unique premise, and interesting main character. I loved it.
Piece-by-piece:
Already in the opening paragraph, we learn a good bit about this main character. It's very concise and to the point, we get all her basic information, but you never overwhelm the reader. Then, we get hooked in, but "unusual parts" sounds a little...off. Not sure how, but it is a little bit off, in the sense that you could leave it with much more power than that.
"Holidays" should be singular. There should be a comma after "Of course". The comma after before should be a semicolon. The "them" after visited should be "her". The comma after change should be a semicolon, as well.
Grammar side, so the story continues to be interesting. We're starting to get into the back story, and you do an excellent job of gripping the reader into wanting to find out what happens next.
"OK" should be "okay".
So, we're staying contemporary, which I like, because I always prefer more contemporary fiction than I do fantasy stories
I love how you assure the reader that we aren't getting into the stereotypical teen drama, it's quite refreshing. I think I already mentioned how unique this twist was.
Yeah, I am :p
This is enjoyable read that defies stereotypes and goes against the grain. It's different, it's well-written, and the main character has an enthralling perspective. So besides that, you don't have much to improve on, well done.
Thank you so much for your great review. I had never received a review this long and accurate to be honest and this makes me very happy.
.
I might need another favor from you and from your time, which is to give a feedback and review on it's next chapter as well (Chapter two).
The thing is that I want to continue writing this story but I need reviews on my work. Those reviews are a way of knowing if the story is worth reading or not, so please review my second work too
Thanks again.
hah, yeah, it's hard getting reviews sometimes when the green room is so overstuffed. I'll check out the first part later.
I'll count on it, thanks.
The first paragraph is a little weird. It's hard to understand and doesn't flow that nicely. Also you should write "okay" instead of "OK". For example "Let’s skip the part on how our flight was, it was awful OK?" I'm very confused what's going on and I feel like it is very rushed. This is what I got from this: A girl lives in Australia, she goes on a plane, she meets a guy, she is in love but at the same she is not? And then she dies. I just got to say I'm very confused.
Thanks from your review, I really appreciate when someone feedback on my work
The thing with this story is that, the girl is literally dying and she is remembering the whole thing and tries to explain it from the beginning. She first introduces herself and her life and then slowly starts to tell the real story.
There is another chapter after this, if you read and review it I would be very happy.
Thank you.
Did you just the kill the main character in chapter one? Impressive.
Welcome to YWS!!! *bursts out balloons*
I'm sorry I can't review...currently on my phone. You should be glad...I'm terrible at it! I really liked it and can't wait too read more. I'll keep my eyes open. Good luck!
Thank you for your review, and yeah I kinda did that. It means that I started from an ending scene but the story will be written from the beginning after this.
Although she is not the only main character, so chill out