Days go by,
with just sigh,
Dono why,
But life's a lie,
people who lead,
do it frm seed,
those who need,
need it till greed,
fate that steads,
does mysterous deeds.
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Canary word: Present
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Agreed with the other reviewers, the content wouldn't hurt with a little revising. Poems is not all about rhyming, infact, in my opinion, in a poem, rhyming come last. Content come first. Things that are just written to rhyme, but doesn't make sense, isn't a very good poem at all. So, I'd suggest you to focus on the content and language more than the rhyme. The rhyme can come later.
Also, this line really irked me:
Dono isn't a word. It might be, in the future, but for now, it's not. I'd change it to 'dunno' or maybe even the proper 'don't know'. The poem will look more elegant and thought out, I suppose. Because if you use words that are not truly words, well, it looks like you're slacking off and can't be bothered to write out the real word. We don't want that now, do we?
Anyway, I guess, I'm just trying to say, think about your words, think about the content. Do they make sense? Do the words exist? Do they tell a story of some sorts? Or at the very least, do they communicate emotions? I'd strongly suggest you to go over it again and have a proper look through it.
Keep writing! You'll improve! After all, practive makes perfect, doesn't it?
hi. this is my first review
I have to say this poem left me kind of confused. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say some of the time.
I 'm a fan of poems that rhyme, they are my favorite actually. but they have to make sense. it seemed like you just found a word that rhymed and tried to make a sentence out of it. English is not my first language so I might not be completely right but here are my comments on the poem line by line
Days go by,
with just sigh, #FF0080 ">do you mean a sigh because this doesn't make sense
Dono why, #FF0080 ">I'm guessing you mean don't know why
But life's a lie, #FF0080 ">life is a lie? because I'm pretty sure the life isn't owning anything
people who lead,
do it frm seed,#FF0080 ">this one doesn't make much sense to me. if you are only using seed to rhyme try something like 'do it from a seat' as in they just sit there and order people around instead of actually doing anything
those who need,
need it till greed,
fate that steads,#FF0080 "> it could be because english is my second languish so i pronounce things differently sometimes, but to me it doesn't rhyme. or make sense, so I would change it completely
does mysterous deeds.
My best advice is just to keep writing and getting better
Hi sudharsan!
This poem seems to exist only because of the rhyming. The problem is, it doesn't make sense. For instance, days go by with just sigh? What is this supposed to mean? It doesn't make sense in English at all, especially since you don't actually have a subject that is sighing. So, if you said, "Days go by with just sighs from ____" it would make more sense. Or even just "sighs" would be better. Right now, it doesn't make sense.
Dono is not a word... it is a name. So, I think you might mean "I don't know why" or "Don't know why" or maybe even the colloquial "dunno." But, if you're going for the colloquial... why?
Then you talk about life being a lie and then start using the "eed" sound. Except... well... it doesn't make sense. People who lead do it from seed? What does this mean? Does it mean that in order to lead, you must have seed? Is it referring to semen and thus making this a reference to a patriarchal society? What are you talking about? Then you have the need/greed mix (which almost makes sense) but then you have fate "stead[ing]" which doesn't make sense because "steads" isn't a word at all. So it doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure what you're trying to say!
Anyway! The point is, this poem seems largely about making things rhyme and less about content. I know that you probably love good rhyming poems, but there is more to poetry than just rhyming. For instance, there is content as well. So! My advice is to work more on the content and don't be as concerned with the rhyming. It'll be okay, as long as the content is there!