Prologue
Ah, death. The thing many fear because they think it is the end of all life. Some want because they believe they will see loved ones that have already died. Others await because they hate the pain life gives. A thing that will claim me soon. A thing I wish will come sooner than it is. In less than a year, I lost the woman I loved, fought in a war, saved a war, got enough injuries to be lying on my death bed now, and saved the human race… for now.
Though death has not yet claimed my physical body, it has claimed my soul. I fell in love, something I had hoped to never get involved with though now I see how foolish it was to hope that. She was in my arms as her life slipped through my fingers and out to the oblivion.
Chapter 1
Unexpected Guests
On a rainy, warm, spring night, a soaked woman had walked into The Scurry, a bar where many mercenaries like me looked for work. She looked like a normal woman: five feet ten inches tall, skinny, blond straight hair, and pale blue eyes. However, there was something about this new guest that was different, but at the time, I couldn’t figure it out.
She walked up to the bar and asked Pierre, the barkeeper, “Is there any place to rest around here? I have been traveling for a day straight without rest.”
Pierre looked at her arm, started making a drink, and responded, “There are no rooms here, but there is an inn about quarter of a mile down the road. There’s also a hospital around that area. Here have this before you go, it’s on the house.”
She thanked him, took the mug of beer, and sat at the table next to mine. It took me a while to notice, but her left sleeve was blood soaked not to mention she barely moved her arm.
After she finished her drink, she took the glass back to Pierre and left the bar. Soon after I saw two men with swords at their sides leave. Realizing that those men hadn’t bought anything or even talked the entire time they were there, I left and followed them through the town. As I had suspected, they were heading towards the inn.
After they entered the inn, I tried following, but an old friend of mine stopped me.
“Ah Serj, it’s been a while. I actually came here to meet with you. I found you a job although it sounds easy it pays a lot,” said David slowly or at least I thought it was slow because I was in a rush. David was my best employer. He was exactly six feet tall with short brown hair, dark brown eyes and he is slightly chubby mostly because he loves to drink beer. Most of his jobs turned out to nearly be the death of me. He has been in my life for as long as I can remember and has helped me so many times when I needed it.
“It has been a while, but I am kind of busy right now. Are you staying around here for a while?” I responded quickly.
“Yea, why?”
“Mind if I talk to you about it in the morning?”
“Sure.” After he said that, I left. I could tell that he was very confused at my dismissal. Usually when we met like that, we would go to a bar, have a few drinks, and talk for hours.
When I entered the inn, there was one receptionist and she looked very, very tired though not for much longer. I walked up to her and asked, “Have you seen a woman about five feet ten inches tall with blond, straight hair and pale blue eyes?”
First she gasped when she looked at me. Then she recognized me, yawned and responded, “Yes, sir.”
“Which room is she in?”
“Is she a whore because this inn doesn’t accept whores. They attract customers to themselves, but none of their customers buy rooms for themselves.”
I was completely surprised by that response so of course I asked, “What?!”
“Two of your kind just asked about her as well.”
After she said that I grabbed the collar of her shirt and brought our faces close together. I then said in a firm voice, “Which room? I believe she’s in danger.”
After a while, she stuttered, “Twenty…twenty three. It’s at the end of the hall.” I had quickly let go of her, though I think I injured her, and ran up the stairs. I then sprinted down the hall. While I was running, my hip hit a doorknob, but being what I am, I didn’t feel anything and the doorknob broke and fell to floor.
When I reached room twenty three, I heard wood snap on the other side so I punched the door down. It fell straight backwards and much of the wood had cracked where I had punched it. The door had just missed crushing the girl because, I think, she rolled towards the door to escape. I figured the wood I heard was the bed because it was, of course, snapped in half.
I took a look at the two men and noticed that they weren’t men. They weren’t even human. Their eyes looked more like a cat’s eyes, but they still had a slight human appearance. Both of their eyes were a dark gold. Their skin was made of tiny scales, but each had a different color. The taller one’s scales were a light blue color and the shorter ones color was a light gold. One was smiling. His teeth were extremely sharp and he had long claws on his hand. But, I didn’t even need to look in detail; from what the receptionist said I knew they were half dragons.
As soon as they saw me, the taller one said, “You! I thought we killed you!”
The woman, by now, had moved behind me. After they said that, I showed my claws and teeth with a roar that scared all the other guests out of the inn. They scurried out of the inn through windows, by jumping down the stairs, or by sprinting through the front door.
(like i said i need a title so any suggestions would be nice and i need feed back on leaving the main characters description mystery) 
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It looks like most of the grammar problems were found already but I did just want to mention one thing.
I loved how their were half dragons and I'm intrested to read more! The end was a little weak for some reason, though...I can't figure out why...
The first sentence is not a complete sentence so maybe chaning it to "Ah, death: The thing many fear because they think it is the end of all life." Just a collin instead of a period.
I loved the story, though! It was really intersting and I can't wait to read more! I'm a fan of dragons so the title caught my intrest so I agree it should have the word dragon in it
I thought the story was very well written, but you need to be a bit more descriptive. We only figured out the lady was bleeding after the bartender had glanced at it! We need to know what is happening! Also you should work more on showing than telling. Very well done, overall.
Wow! I love it. However, I feeli like I need more info of the chracters. Give us maybe mnore back ground info. Or Maybee you could just describe the setting better. I dioint know, I just feel like I am pushed into a room without no meaning? No thatr does not sound right, but just add more details. I guess. But I really like the idea. I love the story line, and i beleive that your a great writer. I cannot wait to read more of your work.
i really liked the story and your "half dragon" people, but "The Dragon Story" is way too cliche and generic. try something more like
Dragon Half
ooh, i like that, actually
ok, here's the prologue (sorry, i'll probably mention things other people said, because i didn't read the other reviews)
Prologue
Ah, death. The thing many fear because they think it is the end of all life. Some want because they believe they will see loved ones that have already died. Others await because they hate the pain life gives. A thing not "thing", try a different word that will claim me soon. A thing I wish will come sooner than it is. In less than a year, I lost the woman I loved, fought in a war, saved a war, got enough injuries to be lying on my death bed now, and saved the human race… for now. Wow, i really liked this paragraph. I liked your insight into death, and I think that it's an interesting (but good) beginning, with him saying he's about to die already.
Though death has not yet claimed my physical body, it has claimed my soul. I fell in love, something I had hoped to never get involved with though now I see how foolish it was to hope that. She was in my arms as her life slipped through my fingers and out to the oblivion. Yet another good paragraph, I think that this shows emotion well.... I think that this is very good, but no other edits. On to chapter one!
ok, here's the prologue (sorry, i'll probably mention things other people said, because i didn't read the other reviews)
Prologue
Ah, death. The thing many fear because they think it is the end of all life. Some want because they believe they will see loved ones that have already died. Others await because they hate the pain life gives. A thing that will claim me soon. A thing I wish will come sooner than it is. In less than a year, I lost the woman I loved, fought in a war, saved a war, got enough injuries to be lying on my death bed now, and saved the human race… for now. Wow, i really liked this paragraph. I liked your insight into death, and I think that it's an interesting (but good) beginning, with him saying he's about to die already.
Though death has not yet claimed my physical body, it has claimed my soul. I fell in love, something I had hoped to never get involved with though now I see how foolish it was to hope that. She was in my arms as her life slipped through my fingers and out to the oblivion. Yet another good paragraph, I think that this shows emotion well...
argh! sorry, i posted this accidentally--not sure how, and it won't let me delete it!
Alright, I'll try to find mistakes others haven't found, or make suggestions to changes they have mentioned.
I'm unsure what they're wanting and awaiting for...
When I entered the inn, a receptionist sat behind the desk, looking utterly exhausted.
You can't say 'about' for such an exact measurement.
She jumped at the sound of my voice, but when she saw me, she relaxed. After a long yawn, she responded, "Yes, sir."
It's a question, but this sentence is awkward anyway. "Is she a whore? 'Cause we don't accept whores.
"What?!" I replied wish shock.
I don't think one would say that when they're threatening the receptionist...?
This whole paragraph is a bit awkward. She stuttered at the sudden jerk. "Twenty--twenty-three, at the end of the hall!" I let her go, and bolted up the stairs. As I sprinted down the hallway, my hip knocked a doorknob. However, I didn't feel it. I only heard it fall to the floor with a clink!
I almost find this useless. I mean, you told us he punched a door down. I sure hope the door cracked. ^^;
The door just missed crushing the girl who lay next to the entryway. The first sentence was just awkward.
OVerall, this is interesting.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Title suggestion. Something with 'dragon' in it, but something that doesn't sound as cliche as A Dragon's Story. Example: Dragon Smoke. I think you get the idea, but it is just my opinion, if you really like A Dragon's Story than stick with it.
wow i love it, very very nice work, a little confused near the end, i hope you continue it, once again, nice work.
I don't know. I don't want people to look at it and think, "Oh someone else has written a cliche hero story again."
I think I am gonna stick with A Dragon's Story unless i come up with something better or if y'all want to come up with something amazing.
sorry, i am currently on a time crunch, but i would like to suggest a title; i know it may sound simple and a little cliche
but how about ; The Savior or The Brave Heart
Thank you all for editing this especially tonysdg for it being your first. I will edit this when i can(hectic holiday season). I have gotten no reviews for chapters 2 and 3. If you all liked this story, would you mind taking a look at it?
here is the link-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic23590.html
Hi stupidiot92! I'm new, and this is my first review, so it might not be as good as others, but I'll give it my best. Here goes:
1. Don't use the word "thing" so often. It's really vague, and it sounds kind of...blah, for lack of a better term. Instead, in the prologue's second sentence, for example, try saying "The black hole which many fear because they think it is the end of all life." (DesperateRomantic said the same thing earlier, I just have an idea for revision.)
2. Parts of your story are a little wordy. Using the same sentence as in number 1, you could go from "The thing that many fear because they think it is the end of all life", revise it into something like "The black hole that so many fear because they think of it as the final abyss."
3. Falcon Ablaze also mentioned this indirectly, but you probably should have added the word "it" to many of your opening sentences (in the prologue, still). "Some want it," "Others await it"
4. "A thing that will claim me soon. A thing I wish will come sooner than it is." You could probably combine these two sentences and again change the word "thing" to a more descriptive and a stronger word.
5. In the sentence following the two in number 4, you use the word "now" twice in quick succession...bad idea. It doesn't flow very well, and sounds a little strange to the ear. You might want to rethink that part.
As for Chapter 1, I can't find a lot to question that others haven't already said. It's a very riveting idea, and I'll continue to follow the whole story. I can't think of any title names, though, but maybe "A Dragon's Story" will turn out to the best. Who knows? As a final tip, I suggest you try printing out your story next time, leave it on your desk/table/wherever you write, and then come back 30 minutes later. Take out a red pen and read it to yourself out loud, and make edits, revisions, spelling changes, and anything else that you want. It may sound like the textbook answer, but surprisingly, it does work.
Good luck and happy writing!
1. The thing many fear because they think it is the end of all life. Some want because they believe they will see loved ones that have already died. Others await because they hate the pain life gives. A thing that will claim me soon. A thing I wish will come sooner than it is.
Don't use "thing" if at all possible. It's not good writing. Plus, this doesn't flow, with all the "theys". Rewrite...so that it is soomther. The prologue is short. You could almost put it into your first chapter...
2.I fell in love, something I had hoped to never get involved with though now I see how foolish it was to hope that.
Okay, I see what your trying to say, but it's a bit rough. Try this: "I fell in love. I hoped to never get involved with such a useless feeling, but I see how foolish I was to even hope not to get involved with it." That was even rough. But, something along those lines..XD
This is pretty good, but your descriptions need work. Mine always do too! =p Lol. So..I would work on those. Hope this help. XD
Jamie Bondage
Grrrrrrrrr!!
*Shakes computer. Regains composure* OK, I'm going to try this again since my computer kinda went haywire. Now that I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed (sorta 
) I'll start on the first chapter.
.
.
.
. Maybe have some name for them. As my creativity factory is shut down right now I can't think of one at all.
.
On a rainy, warm, spring night, a soaked woman had walked into The Scurry, a bar where many mercenaries like me looked for work.
Try rewording a little. Something like: On a rainy, spring night, a soaked woman had walked into The Scurry, a bar where many mercenaries like myself looked for work.
It took me a while to notice, but her left sleeve was blood soaked not to mention she barely moved her arm.
This is a run on sentence. Add a ; after soaked. Also, since he's a half dragon/dragon wouldn't he have keen senses i.e smell, sight and see that early on?
“Ah Serj, it’s been a while. I actually came here to meet with you. I found you a job although it sounds easy it pays a lot,” said David slowly or at least I thought it was slow because I was in a rush. David was my best employer.
Run on sentence. Try: "Ah Serj, it's been a while. I actually came here to meet with you. I found you a job. Although is sounds easy, it pays a lot," said David slowly, or so it seemed since I was in a rush.
He was exactly six feet tall with short brown hair, dark brown eyes and he is slightly chubby mostly because he loves to drink beer.
Add a ; after chubby.
When I entered the inn, there was one receptionist and she looked very, very tired though not for much longer.
One very ought to do it
After a while, she stuttered, “Twenty…twenty three. It’s at the end of the hall.”
Would it take her a while to answer to him? I would either belt it out really quick or go into shock. Did she go into shock? Details please
I had quickly let go of her, though I think I injured her, and ran up the stairs.
How did you injure her?
It fell straight backwards and much of the wood had cracked where I had punched it.
Try rewording this. Something like: Much of the wood cracked where I had punched it and it fell backwards.
I figured the wood I heard was the bed because it was, of course, snapped in half.
Try rewording this somehow. It's a little confusing to me
But, I didn’t even need to look in detail; from what the receptionist said I knew they were half dragons.
Ooh Half Dragons. Cool
After they said that, I showed my claws and teeth with a roar that scared all the other guests out of the inn.
HeHeHe
On the contrary to what you think from reading the above, I immensely enjoyed this! As far a leaving Serj's description a mystery, it should be fine as long as you describe him later. I think overall it could use a little more description but that's just a personal preference. This is a very nice piece of work and I look forward to more
Hope this helps,
Falcon_Ablaze
Hey! Well, I've got this to say so far: Your prologue was highly interesting. It was well crafted and really lures the reader in.
I think that it is interesting the way that you set up the prologue. You have given us the solution to the plot. This is very cool, because it lets us know that the MC survives, but the question that looms in the air now is HOW does he survive? Very interesting.
*goes to read chapter one*
I know what you are trying to get to right here, but there are a few too many adjectives. We don't need to know every little detail unless it is essential to the plot. In this case I would take out 'warm.' But of course, that's just me.
The doesn't need to be capitalized, I think. Yes, it is the name of the bar, but I think that it doesn't need to be capitalized.
Run on sentence! Let's fix it! This SHOULD read:
The last part of that sentence doesn't make very much sense to me. "she barely moved her arm." I don't see how this fits in with the sentence. I suggest that you cut it out.
change loves to loved. It keeps the same tense.
Change has to had. Same reason as I said up there. ^^^^
You overused the word 'while' here. I would cut the 'for a while' in the last sentence. It will read smoother that way.
Overall
Overall I think that you did a great job. You switched tenses here and there, but everyone does those. I think that if you keep writing this, this story can become one that everyone will want to read. I really like the twist that you have thrown in with the dragons.
I would really like to know the setting (time, place) of this. But, of course, all will come in due time.
You did a good job. I will be looking for more.
BBB
Hi Stupidiot92,
. I guess I'll start with with the prologue (that would make sense, right? 
).
.
.
. I think this is a pretty good prologue and look forward to the chapter 
.
I just browsed over this and it looks very interesting
Some want because they believe they will see loved ones that have already died.
Some want it because they believe they will see loved ones that have already died.
Others await because they hate the pain life gives. A thing that will claim me soon.
Try and blend this together. Possibly: Others await it because they hate the pain life gives, something that will claim me soon.
In less than a year, I lost the woman I loved, fought in a war, saved a war, got enough injuries to be lying on my death bed now, and saved the human race… for now.
What do you mean by saved a war? You might want to clear that up. Also, try rewording, something like: In less than a year, I've lost the woman I love, have fought in a war, have saved a war, I've received enough injuries to be lying on my death bed, and have saved the human race... for now.
Though death has not yet claimed my physical body, it has claimed my soul.
Ooh, I like this
I fell in love, something I had hoped to never get involved with though now I see how foolish it was to hope that.
Add a comma after with and now.
She was in my arms as her life slipped through my fingers and out to the oblivion.
This is a little confusing. I was thinking this was a dragon but this line makes me think human
I will get to the story part sometime tomorrow. Right now, my bed is calling my name *yawns*
Sincerely,
Falcon_Ablaze