Your voice no longer thrills me,
Your lies have settled in,
You held my heart as captive,
I thought I’d never win.
Now your deceit fuels me,
I play off your demise,
I can finally think for myself,
No longer a need for your lies.
You watch as I smile again,
You haven’t seen it in a while,
My heart has no more room for you,
I’ve found my own style.
You lied to many,
But believed in none,
You were perfect to me,
And now you're no one.
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140,658 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
hi their!
I really really REALLY! liked this poem, it was so beautiful and I loved the truth behind it, you did an amazing job and I honestly could not fin an issue other then what PenPacifist said, and I think you already fixed that so great job! I honestly came to congratulate you, this was awesome great work
have an awesome day and keep on writing! I cant wait to read more of your work
MagicAce out!
Thank you so much!
yep!
Hi! PenPacifist here for a review.
I LOVED this poem. I liked the vintage style to it; if that makes any sense. It reminded me of an older style poem. I usually think rhyme in poetry is kind of stupid, but I really enjoyed it in your case. It suited well, and let the message out clearly.
However, there are some places in the poem that when I was reading it didn't flow as well as other sections of the poem. Again, the poem is lovely and yours, so you don't have to listen.
The line "I've found my own style" has fewer syllables than the rest of the lines around it, and as a reader, I stuttered a bit in my head as I passed that line. I would suggest maybe adding one more syllable in (For I've found my own style,I have found my own style).
The line "you used to be perfect to me" had the opposite effect. I thought there were too many syllables. I would suggest taking out the "to me". I feel like "you used to be perfect" might have more power too.
Again, these are just suggestions. I really really liked this poem. I hope you keep writing!!
I completely agree with the "You used to be perfect to me" part. I actually know exactly what I'm going to do to shorten it, and I thought it was too long when I wrote it but I was kind of in a daze when I wrote it and then put it away and didn't edit it after so after reading it again I noticed those little things. Thank you for your review!
Hey there, Katrina Kimberly here!
Wow! I love poetry, and this was really great! I found myself especially being fond of the settle rhyming that occasionally occurred throughout the poem, I believed that it added a nice flow to your work. My favorite line was "I can finally think for myself, No longer a need for your lies". I thought it sent a good message.
Keep on writing!
Kat Kimberly:)
Thank you!
Hello, and welcome to YWS! :3
So, I haven't reviewed poetry in a (very long) while, but I'll give it my best shot!
The first thing I noticed, was that this wasn't separated in to any stanzas, making it seemed a bit jumbled and messy. The thing I love about poetry, is that it's probably (at least in my opinion) one of the most artistic and aesthetically pleasing forms of writing, meaning, it doesn't just sound good, but it often looks good in the process. I think if you separated this into stanzas with lines of 4, this would look better, making it sound (or read) better in the process! Just a suggestion, as this isn't technically wrong.
This isn't a terribly original idea, but as I always like to say (and I'm sure I'm not the only one), make it your own! An easy way to do that, I've learned, is to add in imagery and description. Ask yourself how, why, or in what way something happened for some of your lines. For example, exactly how did their deceit fuel you? Was it slowly but surely, like adding twigs to a fire? Did you burn with a blazing passion, or was it just a small spark? You've got the idea down very well, now just add some of your own passion to it!
Up until this point, your flow has been pretty good; it rolls easily off the tongue. This last stanza, however, seemed to abrupt that flow. The syllable count in the corresponding lines has a lot to do with this, I think. Line one has 5, and line three has 8. Line two has 5, and line four has 6. I think the biggest culprit is probably the 1st and 3rd lines. They're just so far apart from each other, that it seems like I'm struggling to read the third line quick enough to keep the flow the same. Just something to think about as you continue writing and if you chose to revise this poem!
Thanks so much for sharing this poem! I enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and can't wait to read more works from you! Keep writing!
~Snazzy
Okay first I would like to thank you! Second, I actually tried separating it, and it was separated, and then it posted and it wasn't lol. Also the last stanza I know exactly how to fix it. It's the third line in the final stanza and it's an easy fix. Thanks!!!!