I've never been one for poetry,
Or letting people know how I feel,
But maybe I'm not the only one
Drowning in an endless sea.
Alone I sit,
With only a dying pen
And a binder of paper,
As I watch the waves
And feel my lungs fill
With all the sorrows of the world.
I may not be subtle,
And I may not sound safe,
But I don't care.
I'm too occupied with my oceans.
You may feel worried about me,
And you probably should;
But maybe you should look into your own oceans,
And stop yourself from drowning.
Everyone has waves,
Some of us are just much farther below,
Gasping for breath
While surrounded by air.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Heyo, I'm here for a quick review!
This doesn't feel really impactful, although it does certainly have potential. I do wish there were more ocean based similes throughout this, along with more imagery in general focusing on the ocean and how it connects to the narrator. I expected the ocean imagery and the parts about poetry to intertwine with one another into one big image, although they managed to stay mostly separate for the parts that concerned the speaker. (However, the last stanza does manage to merge the two when it comes to everyone else.)
I'm not quite sure how I feel about that last line and I really did expect it to me more. Perhaps something about saltwater and the ocean filling their lungs, but the connecting line didn't really meet up with expectations. It didn't really subvert them in the good way. "All the sorrows of the world" is a line I feel like I've read dozens of times before. It isn't new, it isn't interesting, and I feel as if it needs to be specific with what the sorrows are and what they feel like. Without it being specific, it doesn't carry the weight it's intended to have. It's hard for the human brain to comprehend things once the ideas get big enough, like with numbers. It's easy for humans to understand and envision the fact that there is a room with 100 people and 34 of those people have internet. It is a lot harder to envision a world with 7 billion people and only 2.4 million having access to a computer. The more specific you get, the easier it is to understand.
Safe? In what definition of the word? Because this leaves me a bit confused. Safe as in fitting with the status quo of what people expect from poetry? Because if so, then this actually does fit that definition of safe. If it references physical or mental safety, then I'm not entire sure how that applies unless the narrator is dangling over a pier somewhere. Again, more specificity is needed.
I don't really see the purpose in capitalizing every line, since it doesn't really do anything to add to the poetry and the words don't really need to be capitalized. While there is consistency throughout the poem, that doesn't make up for the fact that it doesn't really serve any noticeable purpose. If anything, it distracts me from parts of the poem given the fact that it doesn't actually help the flow.
If you have any questions, then feel free to reply to me and I will try to expand upon what I mentioned previously. I do hope that you will keep on writing and I do hope to see more from you!
-Castor
Hey there stormyandlovely. Happy Review Day! It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I loved the topic of your poem and I know that I'm so late getting here but I just have a couple of things to say. The flow is the first thing which is slightly hindered by things in this poem and also goes great in others. I'd like to say that I like the fact you went ahead and did breaks with punctuation but the second thing I noticed that messed it up is capping every line. This really isn't a necessary thing, no matter what anyone will ever tell you, and I think this is something you should try experimenting with. Capping the beginning of each line always seems to cause some drag so just thought I would brin it up.
The imagery and comparisons in this thing is very powerful and draws a lot of attention to the poem. (At least it drew my attention.) But after the third stanza, it seems to taper off a bit which distracted me from the main bit of the poem. You need to try to keep consistent with this concept because the imagery and comparisons was like your main thing. I'd try to just add a bit of pep as you go along. The repetition is also a good and bad thing because it added this memory of emotions. But after awhile it grew tiresome.
Yeah that's all that I've really got to say for now. I'm gonna be heading out low and hopefully this was helpful to you in some way. If you have any questions about this review, fell free to drop me a line.
Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz
Lieutenant Knight of the Green Room
Hello stormy, I'm dropping by for a review!
Your metaphor wasn't too bad here. I'm guessing that you mean that the "oceans" suffocating us? By stress? And you're using writing to express whatever's "suffocating" you. It seems to be pointed toward a general audience here. This is just personal but at stanza three and four I wasn't too happy about the message. It was as if you were telling me, "Don't care about me. Care about yourself."
The metaphor, though, lost its effect because I felt there was a lack of originality in the imagery here. It's my subjective opinion that in poetry, you can explore new ways to express your insights and ideas. The imagery was something like "drowning", "ocean", and "sea"--and I'd have liked something stronger. More powerful. Such as "the ripples viciously squeezing our breaths out of us" (this is far from good, but you get it).
Stanza one: It was a let down for a beginning. I honestly don't understand the transition between "I'm never been one for poetry" to "drowning". How is it related? It felt rather abrupt, and I didn't really like it.
Stanza two: This is really powerful and I love this stanza. The imagery here ties perfectly to the metaphor, though perhaps you could modify "binder of paper" to fit the metaphor better. It's like you're using writing as a catharsis, and the imagery--the best in this poem!
Stanza three: Uh...this felt totally off for me. I mean, why did you have to include it? I don't really see what's the point for it. It just jarred me because I was really loving the second stanza and moving on with rather high expectations.
Stanza four: Same jarring here. Whether I like your theme in these stanzas or not, these needs some work to feel stronger.
Stanza five: The last--whew! This was a pretty good end actually. I liked "some of us are just much father below", as if they were struggling more. I'm biased for oxymorons--a LOT, and this was pulled off well. But...it would have been better if you could work it into the previous stanzas.
So I believe that's all I've got to say, and hopefully my review wasn't too harsh. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to send me a PM!
This is a very helpful review! Thank you so much! Originally I wrote it in my empty binder, just trying to write anything, which is why the first stanza is the way it is. I agree with many of your comments, and for a quickly written poem I'm sort of proud. Thank you!
Hello @stormyandlovey,
Is it... possible that this is perfection? Is it possible that... I have no complaints about this?!
Needless to say, I fell in love with this piece.
You have a very direct way of phrasing, and a 'devil may care' word choice going on that appeals to me so deeply. It is both absorbed and 'screw you'-esque. It lays both right on the surface of emoting and yet it deeply conveys feeling. Gah! The dichotomies!
Onto the review....
Stanza One: Love the feels here. It speaks to so many of us "Maybe I'm not the only one drowning in an endless sea"...
Stanza Two: You have an excellent rhythm going in the first stanza, though if you like this choppiness, I would only suggest altering the third line, "And a binder of paper". It reads a little awkwardly.
Stanzas Three and Four: Again, love the feels here. "I may not sound safe but I don't care"... and the subtle 'eff you' provided by "maybe you should look into your own oceans and stop yourself from drowning' was beautiful.
Stanza Five: Gorgeous imagery here. So excellent.
I really have no grammatical or other errors to point out.
This was a joy to read, stormyandlovey. Thank you for sharing this piece, and I hope to see more of your work here on YWS! If I can answer any questions, please feel free to shoot me a PM.
Write On,
Mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Thank you so much!