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closure

by starrie



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15 Reviews


Points: 84
Reviews: 15

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Mon Dec 21, 2020 3:53 pm
AndyS6 wrote a review...



Your poem hits; life is truly like this. Hits close to home with me due to a recent break-up.

I am fond of the directness and almost bluntness of the poem. It is to the point showing exactly what we feel with less of the extra detail that is not necessarily needed.

Closure is truly something we all yearn for and you have summed it up into a well written poem.




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124 Reviews


Points: 9765
Reviews: 124

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Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:40 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, starrie!

I thought this poem portrayed an earnest message about closure in a direct way. The overall mood of the piece seems to be one of quiet acceptance, with a reassuring note at the end. On the whole, I think free verse without any capitalisation is apt for this type of poetry - so well done on choosing a fitting form for your subject matter.

Language

A lot of the language you've used is literal, which can be really good for conveying an earnest message! One place I thought you did this particular well is:

not every one gets it


With such a short line, you manage to shift the tone of the poem from neutral, maybe even informative, to something melancholy.

One figurative technique I noticed in this poem were these images of hollowness "void" and "pieces", "empty holes". I liked the direction you took with this, linking the "void created in your heart" to the addressee trying to "find other little pieces of joy" to fill it. As a suggestion, I think it would be interesting for you to expand on this further by including similar images in the beginning of the poem, which could make it even more memorable. You've kind of done this with the statement "someone is no longer a part of your life", but you could also try using a 'hollowness' image here. For example, maybe a missing piece in a puzzle/ the heart, a key in a lock that's been removed, etc. Just an idea!


Structure

I love how you used line breaks here, especially:

closure
is something one gets before, or after
someone is no longer a part of your life


Leaving 'closure' by itself on that first line gives it some weight and creates the melancholy, solemn tone of the speaker.
(Side note: I think you could do without the comma after 'after')

When writing a free verse poem, you're kind of on your own when it comes to rhythm, so I'm glad to see you using caesurae to create effect! I loved:

they're gone, and it hurts


The pause between the two phrases lets the word "gone" sink in and makes the speaker come across as so sad they can barely get their words through, which is a great emotional moment for the reader. It's so simple, but such a classic and effective way to make a poignant statement.

Miscellaneous

the one who passed and you never told them how bright they are


I think this line was difficult for me to follow because unlike lines 1 and 3 it has a conjunction 'and' in the middle of it, which makes it seem more packed than I think it needs to be. The build-up of having a list of three images is somewhat broken for me because the 2nd line doesn't have the same structure as the 1st or 3rd. Some suggestions I'd have would be either to switch the 2nd and 3rd lines, so that the 'different' one comes last (which tends to flow better) or to rephrase the 2nd line so that it matches the 1st and 3rd.

That's all

Overall, I really liked this poem! It's direct and earnest without falling into the trap of simply becoming prose with line breaks. There is just enough structure there to keep a rhythm going, especially with the regular one-line stanzas between the longer ones. My only thoughts on improvement would be to experiment a bit with the images and see where you end up.

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim




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Thu Dec 17, 2020 10:34 pm
starrie says...







The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay