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Warehouse

by spottedpebble


The warehouse is empty.

Void of people.

Shelves with nothing.

Wispy ghosts of boxes
Sit rippling on the shelves.

Nothing there.

A sound-
Sudden.

A figure running,
Dashing,
Weaving through the dimly lit
Building.

Heavy breathing.
Footsteps pounding.

The person looks back,
Sees something
Where we see nothing.

Eyes wide, trips.

Lays down, chest heaving.

Heavy breathing.

The figure sits up,
Looks through the ghost boxes.

We see nothing.

The figure jumps,
Shouts but

We hear no sound.

Breath,
Like a cloud
Escapes
From her body.

We get closer,
Still Hidden behind the shelves-
We are the observers.

We see that the figure is a girl
Around seventeen
With long-ish light brown hair.

She shudders.

Leaps to her feet and then-

Silence.

No breathing can be heard.

We pass through the shelves.

The girl stares right through us.

Her breath is caught.

We reach out to help her but
Can’t.
We are the Observers,
Nothing more.

In a blink

She’s gone.

Disappeared.


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21 Reviews

Points: 250
Reviews: 21

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Sun Oct 15, 2023 9:06 pm
Serrurie wrote a review...



Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's go:

The Good Stuff: Let me just say that I am not a horror fan. It's either way too cliche or way too violent for my taste. But yours? Yours is the most amazing horror I've ever read. I'm a lover of poetry novels, like 'Alone' by Meghan E. Freeman. This was so good, I'm not going to ask you to make this a novel, but totally make this a novel. It wasn't too gory, though still captures the essence of Halloween, all the while leaving plenty of room for lore and worldbuilding.

Things To Work On: This should probably belong more in 'Personal Thoughts' but may I suggest expanding your vocabulary? The poem itself is beautiful, but 'long-ish light brown hair' captures the point without exactly making the reader dive deeper, if that makes sense. From personal experience, books are much more encapsulating when you say something like 'burgundy hair, as if dipped in wine.' or 'large, scattered eyes.' These are just suggestions, not really anything you need to change. But I hope you get my point.

Personal Thoughts: Overall, great work! I'm not usually a big horror or thriller person, but this is beautifully crafted, I would very much enjoy if this was turned into a series! (Please. I need something new to read).
Happy writing!
-Serrurie.




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172 Reviews

Points: 34172
Reviews: 172

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Thu Oct 05, 2023 7:33 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Greetings Poet!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye a captivating poem titled “Warehouse” that deserves a good review. Therefore without further ado, let’s begin.

Very first of all, I love the idea of mixing horror in a poem, I didn't know it was a thing until a read a prose poem about something dramatically haunting. I must say that I quite liked reading this poem, no, correction, *I enjoyed reading it. I really did.

For me it was almost as if reading a poem that tells a short, chilling and Halloween-themed story. It's like the perfect chilling story that leaves with a cliffhanger, you definitely nailed that with the last sentence.

In a blink

She’s gone.

Disappeared.



But, I must say, that at some places it feels more as if you're telling a story than a poem. You might consider adjusting the structure of your poem, of course you could do it in many ways, but here's an example:
The warehouse is empty.
Void of people.
Shelves with nothing.
Wispy ghosts of boxes
Sit rippling on the shelves.
Nothing there.

A sound-
Sudden.

A figure running,
Dashing,
Weaving through the dimly lit
Building.


Except for the structure you could also consider letting the poem rhyme, a slight touch of rhyming magic can do wonders, it will definitely boost the impact of your poem and make it more engaging.

For instance, the previous part of your poem could be transformed into this:
In the empty warehouse vast and wide,
Void of people, where shadows reside.

Shelves stand bare, with nothing to bear,
Whispers of boxes linger in the air.


Everything in all and all in everything, I enjoyed reading your horror poem, it has true potential. With a few improvements you could boosts the impact of the poem.

Feel free to check out Boogeyman—A Prose Poem by @GengarIsBestBoy for some extra inspiration and ideas!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With writer’s love,
Rose




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5 Reviews

Points: 111
Reviews: 5

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Thu Oct 05, 2023 7:30 pm
VioletSkies wrote a review...



Hi! I'm excited to open up a new world with your poem!

What Happens In This World:

This poem is about a girl in a warehouse. The girl seems to be in trouble. The narrator tries to reach out and help but can't. The narrator is an observer.

What Can Be Better:

1. The thing that most caught my attention - in a critic way - when I first read this was the description of the girl.

We see that the figure is a girl
Around seventeen
With long-ish light brown hair.


The way the narrator speaks here is different from the rest of the poem. It seems more book-like, than a poem. The mysterious effect of the poem is lost here. You might want to try rewriting it kind of like this:

We see that the figure is a girl;
Her hair hangs down
Only slightly long
The color
A light brown
Seventeen?


2. The second thing I found was a bit of wording.

Wispy ghosts of boxes
Sit rippling on the shelves.


This might just be me, but it had me a little confused with this part, and I have a hard time knowing what it means here. This may not be essential, but it would be great to understand the meaning of this as I am sure it would add to the experience of this poem.

3. The last thing that might be fixed has to do with the indention's here:

Escapes
From her body.


I feel like 'escapes' could fit in with 'from her body'. When reading this part it feels kind of choppy, like there's an extra stop somewhere. It may not be necessary, only something to consider.

The Best Parts:

1. One of my favorite parts of this poem is how you are able to capture just the mystery of it so easily. I could feel the suspense boiling as I read it.

2. I really love the creativity of this piece. I don't know how you came up with the topic of this, but I'm glad you did. I absolutely love the ending you gave it, it feels perfect.

3. Finally, I am so impressed with the way you were able to piece everything together so seamlessly. Besides a little hiccup, all the indentations were put in exactly the place they needed to be in to make this poem what it is. I could practically see it all playing out in my mind.

To Leave The World

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, and while poems aren't usually what I go for, this made me appreciate them a little more. I hope you keep using you brilliant talent for writing, and I sincerely hope to see more of your pieces in the future.




spottedpebble says...


Hi! Thank you for reviewing my poem and getting it out of the Green Room. I would love to explain the "wispy ghosts of boxes" part. I wrote this for my creative writing class, and our prompt was a picture of a warehouse full of boxes. I wanted to write a poem about it and thought, 'hey, what if inanimate objects could become ghosts?' So right there in that poem I was describing boxes that had long since left the warehouse. They move around slightly in the drafty air of the warehouse. That's why they're described as rippling. It's like a ghost of a human, except of an inanimate box. ;)



VioletSkies says...


That makes a lot of sense. Honestly, I kind of got that idea but I wasn't sure. Thinking about it now, I believe that part of your poem is perfect. I just need to get a new brain. :) Thank you for explaining that to me.



spottedpebble says...


It's fine, I could have explained it a bit more. :)




There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett