We huddled in the corner of our classroom, the lights were off but the terrified faces were periodically illuminated by a startling flash of lightning. I say startling, but no one was afraid of the lightning; they were afraid it wasn't lightning. The brief glimpses I got of my classmates betrayed the gravity of the situation, the harsh reality. Some were crying but others had a blank, death like stare in their eyes. Neither expression was becoming of a group of upperclassmen, we were supposed to be the role models. How could anyone be strong in the face of sheer terror? Even grown men weep and fierce beasts recoil amidst the horrors of war.
My ocean town was dominated by sky scrapers, enormous dated buildings that seemed to creek with every whisper of wind. The salty air had been a harsh mistress and the signs of her wrath were carved out along the buildings. The school was one such building. Many years back, the founders of Shipwreck City thought it fitting to have such tall magnificient structures line the beaches. As a youth progressed through their classes so too would they rise in the building, a brilliant metaphor for climbing up the rungs of life.
I say brilliant as a sort of mockery now, as the height and sway of the top floor does little to calm my nerves.
As if reading my mind, the headmistress proclaimed, "If the enmy were to even breathe on our structure, we should all crumble to our deaths!"
She was an easily excitable woman, and in truth the only reason we had not evacuated was because we'd no where to go. Should we run out into the streets and be pelted by gun fire? Should we climb to the roof in search of rescue copters only to be reduced to shreds by yet another kind of malicious fire? No, fear cemented us. Fear of the unknown, the foregin, the inherently evil. We had always been far from the fire fight, now that we were thrust into the action we were as helpless as beached turtles.
The most comfort we had was the proximity of those around us. There was warmth and consolation in our closeness and mutual dread. To me, however, it was a far cry from comfort. The boy whom I was squished next to was far cozier than the dusty wall on my other side but still worlds different than the touch of my partner, who was God knows where during this crisis. This thought should have moved me to tears, but I pushed it from my mind so as not to make matters worse. I had already said my "I love yous" and that would have to be solace enough.
Suddenly, a burly man burst into the room, "Turn off all of your cell phones! They say it will be an electromagnetic pulse bomb and I suspect that will be the last of the large advances tonight. Once the fighting has quelled my men will escort you all to a temporary place of residence. Count your blessings for they are few."
I gazed through the darkness in his general direction, a queer expression contorting my face into something awful. I was no genius but I did not think turning off our phones would do much good against an EMP and I scarcely thought the enemy would stop advancing after such a useful weapon had been employed. False hope was all I could chock it up to, though I am sure many of my classmates believed him wholeheartedly, as some are prone to do in times of desperation.
In an effort to placate those around me, I reached for my phone. Before I turned it off, I saw one message that turned my skin cold and my expression from its contorted countenance to one of immense despair.
Cutting off my thoughts, the boy next to me tapped my shoulder and pointed out the window. Another flash of light coursed through the room but this one was more vibrant and forceful than before, almost blinding.There was no lightning; the message was right.
I had heard before you die, everything seems to be in slow motion. That was truly how I felt. The ocean waves seemed to laze over the sand. The wind seemed to trudge across the building. The bomb seemed to float downward through the sky. Even as it touched the ground and erupted in consuming light, I felt every second and every breath until I'd breathed my last.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A recounting of the memories of Hillary Jane as uploaded directly form her brain to the mainframe on her last day on Earth.
May 23, 3030
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello. This is Lelu again, sending another message so it will count as a review. I need points, as I am planning to upload new works. Please don't take this as an insult to your writing. I liked the story and wanted more. Keep writing!
Shorter than I expected, but interesting. I wanted it to be longer. Good things: immersive, cinematic, realistic. Bad things: spelling errors, slightly too much simile. The story could do itself justice without too much descriptive language, since it's already gripping and intense.
Hi there speakerskat! It's MJ, stopping by for a short review
This should be a semi-colon, and this would be an appropriate place to use a semi-colon because the thoughts are so directly related.One frequent mistake I noticed was that you had commas between two complete sentences. If you wanted to keep it was one sentence, you would need a semicolon there. However, I would caution you to be careful of overusing semi-colons, because then it backfires and eradicates the sense of flow that it can create if used in moderation.
To avoid confusion, I think it would be best if you said "Some found warmth and consolation..." to show that others disagree with this view.
There were a lot of phrases and clauses here, so maybe it would be more varied and less of a run-on if you were to change the order of some phrases. For example, instead of saying "I was no genius," you could say "Even though I was far from a genius, I thought..."
Overall, the most captivating thing about this story was your incredible vocabulary and precision in using words. Each word conveyed something exact, and no other word would have had the same effect. However, you seemed to rush into some of the events without really letting the reader settle in, and not in the edge-of-your-seat kind of way, but the too-rushed and overcrowded kind of way. For example, instead of having a burly man burst in right away, it could be nice to dedicate a couple of paragraphs to a conversation the MC has with the boy seated next to her.
This would have several benefits. Firstly, it would give your story a little more length and depth. Secondly, we would see how other students are reacting through their dialogue. And thirdly, it's a good opportunity for you to give some information about the town instead of info-dumping it at the beginning.
Another thing I think might be helpful is for you to consider your audience. You used a lot of more advanced and sometimes even archaic words here, but what demographic would you advertise this story to? It seemed to be written with the theme and plot of a story for young adults, but the formal vocabulary made it seem as if an adult or even senior should be reading it. There is, of course, nothing wrong with the style you chose, it could just send mixed messages depending on who you're trying to reach.
That's all I have for you today, so hopefully this review was helpful, and if there are any points you need clarification on or if you have any questions whatsoever, please let me know, and I'll try to get back to you with an answer ASAP. Good luck with your writing, and have a great rest of your evening!
Thank you for your review! I realize it is kind of short but I wanted it to be just a blip kind of story. If I make it longer in the future I would definitely expand on it. I tried out this writing style to induce a very particular feeling, something along the lines of surreal and eerie calm. I thought the sophisticated vocabulary would serve to avoid any kind of childish nativity in the scene.
Good idea and good ending.
I would write it in the present tense since the computer could not have recorded the girl's thoughts in the past tense when they were being conceived in the present tense.
Also using a spellchecker would avoid all the typos and giving the impression of not caring.
Word economy can also be vastly improved. Why say things in seventeen or twenty words when seven will suffice?
BTW
The other suggestions were removed based on author response.
What you mean is
naïveté
https://www.merriam-webster.com/diction ... Fvet%C3%A9
Not Nativity
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nativity
Hi and thanks for the review. Her thoughts were in past tense because that was how they were uploaded, it was a choice. Also please refrain from directly copying large portions of a persons work into your review, it only serves to feed you points by word count and detracts from your review.
-sincerely from an expirenced member-
Please note that I gain absolutely no monetary profit from taking precious time to review your story. I ignored the many major faults and was being generous in not pointing them out. Had I known what your ingrate, rude reaction was going to be I would not have touched your piece with ten-foot pole. Won't happen again.
I didn't intend to be rude I was just making sure you knew. I realize what a long process reviewing is as I have many times myself reviewed pieces. I do, however, appreciate you calling me an ingrate and suggesting my typos mean I do not care about my writing. Your cool, crass response to what I intended to be a helpful tip and a think for your review is startling.
not appreciate*
My suggestion about passing everything through a spell checker because people might assume that the writer doesn't care is good advice for me and for any other writer. That you took umbrage with it and responded by insinuating that I was using your writing to gain points is what is really startling
I didn't mean it to come off that way. I have been here for several years and sometimes we DO have a problem where there will be people who use copy/paste to gain points. A lot of members got in trouble for it and most of them weren't intending to do that. I was just making sure you knew so you didn't receive real backlash in the future.
Thanks for informing me about that mistake. Very much appreciate it. Kind regards. Radrook.