zugzwang

Hi there again Soundofmind. I’ve been coming back to your works a lot in particular lately because I memorized the one, and I have three more on a Google Doc in case I ever finish homework early and want to get a headstart on reviews for the day which is what I’m going to be doing right now so without further ado, let’s delve right in, shall we?

I can see that this one is shorter in length than the poem I last read of yours, sunset and your chill rap beats that I’ve listened to a lot over the last couple of days, haha. I can’t say that I’ve seen the movie that the quote is based off of and I don’t know if I ever will to be honest? I do love seeing what inspires a poem though because I’ve written poetry before specifically inspired by another work such as a poem that I wrote while strictly listening to the theme of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I enjoy listening to instrumentals and math rock and putting those emotions or at least, trying to put those emotions into words.

I do appreciate though that the word ‘zugswang’ is a blast to say to yourself in Study Hall although what I originally read that part as, ‘zugzuwug’ is also fun to say. I can see that there’s experimentation with the word choice with words such as ‘cacophony’, ‘requiesce’ and ‘zugzwang’ used in this piece which I found to be interesting.

As for my overall thoughts--this doesn’t beat out ‘sunset’ or ‘a part of me died’ (at least, that’s what I remember the title of the rap being and I hope my memory isn’t wrong because I’m almost certain of that fact) but this isn’t weak either. The end of the piece is probably the strongest part and what I mean by the end of the piece are the last two or three lines which is a large chunk of this seeing as this isn’t all that large. Maybe starting this with the quote instead of the poem is a smarter choice seeing as the experience changes if that happens--the reader/audience can slowly realize how this piece is related to the word ‘zugzwang’ as they continue reading which in my opinion is a better execution than leaving the quote for the end.

Also, in general quotes, if quotes are there to show the influence of the poem are usually sitting at the beginning instead of the end, ya know? The concept is an aspect to be admired here seeing as this is based off of a tactic in chess and a movie quote which is a source that I quite like seeing and that’s probably one of the more positive elements here--the ideas and themes being fresh and rather clear although I did want to know more about the decision that the speaker is making. Nice job on the parts that are done well but in other parts I can see this being strengthened.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hey there! Shey here from a review!

Overall, another nice work from the sound a mind makes! I'm reviewing this one without a ridiculous headache, so hopefully it'll be more helpful.

I think the strongest part of this piece is the visuals. That sounds like an insult, since who likes when someone calls your writing pretty above all else, but in poetry, visuals are so important. I mean, poetry takes out the advanced parts of writing, leaving only the basics, but opens the door for visual displays, like fancy formatting. So, my saying the visuals of this piece are the best isn't really an insult, but rather a serious complement.

I'm a big fan of the quote at the end. It has meaning in the context of the piece, so I can't see a reason why someone would dislike its presence. I would suggest, however, to include proper grammar with it. You don't want to be quoting something and not have grammar, since normally, a quote should include grammatical perfection. No, I won't be your school teacher and tell you that you need to cite your sources of something, but a bit of grammar wouldn't hurt.

Zugzwang is a fun word to say. No further comments.

All in all, great job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!

Specifics

1. I love the first line - it immediately pulls the reader into the poem and makes them want to read the next.

2. I'm not sure 'forms' is the strongest word in line two. Perhaps 'a pocket of air builds' would be stronger? I think you also need a comma at the end of that line.

3. 'a stab of pain' is a really tired phrase and Ii think you could find a more creative way to describe that pain. I'd like to see the chess imagery start to be brought in here so perhaps it's 'I feel a horse's kick in my chest'.

4. Maybe replace 'the swell of pain' with 'the lance of pain' for more fun chess imagery.

Overall

I was really excited when I saw the use of zugzwang but you need to bring in more imagery around that to support it. At the moment you're missing some great opportunities to really tie your title in to the rest of the poem. Other than that, I thought this flowed well and is about the right length for something which is playing off of a single concept. That's not to say you couldn't expand it and bring in more ideas or even more of the same theme but it works as the length it is.

All the best with this and feel free to ask me any specific questions you might have!

~Heather