break

Hi again!!

Ahh oh no the narrator is breaking now. >~<

I could definitely tell that there's a more hopeless tilt to this poem, sort of like the narrator has gone under a little more than in the last poem, where there was a determined struggle. This poem opens with determination -- literally -- but "without vision."

I'm really interested by the blood imagery. The first part, "blood runs thicker than water," makes me think of family problems because I think that's what that quote is usually used for? So there's an interesting layer of letting family define the narrator (in the next line) and also "cut(ting) against" the "layers of blood from whence i came." It's like the narrator is trying to find themself in the midst of family conflict or upheaval or just trying to understand their place in a sea of other things.

Again, there's so much physical presence to your writing! "let it seep into my bones" is terrific. And, even though there are some indications that make me lean towards family as one of the things the blood is representing, I can also see it as struggling with a disease or problem that involves blood more literally, or just representing a tide of unhappy things. I like that there's a lot of possibility to this.

It feels like the narrator is more lost here, which I guess makes me question the first line where the narrator is so determined they're "white-knuckled." Later, "everything i'm carrying is just outside my grasp," so it seems like they might not have held on as much as they thought they did? The first line does help carry over nicely from the first poem, where determination was also a factor, but it might be interesting to introduce more doubt right off the bat, since in the next line the narrator is wondering if they even "dare have an opinion."

The last line also introduces a lot of doubt (and also I just love it and have read it three times just now):

i went slowly, then went quickly, i stayed soft, i chose to fight

<3 <3 <3

Even though there's a rhyme scheme here, it felt to me a little less obvious than in the first poem, which is interesting. I was going to say that maybe the narrator hasn't held on as tight and that's visible in the less-structured style, but the rhymes are actually still there! But there is a bit of a softness to the last poem's heaviness and hardness, even though the imagery is still harsh and difficult.

It definitely seems to fit with a break.

losing every bit with tangled fingers. i cling harder. take it back

I like the narrator continuing to try to hold on, but there's an ongoing rhetoric of losing, winning, beating, fighting, giving in, that's really interesting and sort of keeps pointing downwards.

And I like how "aren’t all winners broken saints?" maybe indicates that although the narrator can keep holding on, there may not be a real "win" in this situation. :/ That seems really true to life in a nice and painful way.

The last three lines really are a kicker:

take me heaving, take me sobbing, as i’m crushed under the weight
if it ends here underwater let them say my death was right
i went slowly, then went quickly, i stayed soft, i chose to fight

I feel like we are giving in and drowning along with the narrator, but we also have the "if" and the possible choice to fight that gives a little bit of a window into a better ending. :)

I would second century's comment about "somehow still the same" being the one thing that didn't quite fit for me. It seems like the narrator's identity is in flux right now and they're searching for how to define themself, so I'm not sure if they're saying they're essentially stuck in the same place anyway, or are the same person no matter how they choose to define themself?? I'm mostly just not sure what it means in the context of the other identity stuff this poem has been playing with so far, but I like the line on its own!

Thanks for writing. <3

-Q

hi sound, herb here for poem round two. i'm excited?!?! fyi i'm reading this as i am reviewing but i'll also read over twice and give two seperate thoughts.

first read:

Spoiler

DETERMINATION AGAIN!! this time on your boots and not as a weight! it's reoccuring as some sort of heavy constant. hmm.

indecision! me core. blindness, absence of opinion. perhaps indifference?

blood runs thicker than water; family, you are letting family in, defining you, and losing it. carrying the burden from bear it, except you can no longer do so.

knowledge you're still the same. maybe this was why you couldn't tell if you were happy.!!!!!!

cut against the blood/ detach from family. "we" is introduced too! and "broken saints", more religion which i believe was in bear it??

crushed under the weight// sisyphean punishment caught up to you. and UNDERWATER???? maybe the blood that was thicker which you detached from lead you to the water. but the water kills you. stunned.

okay, onto the real review.

you keep this semi-anatomical metaphor throughout, blood and bones, both of which can be attributed to the familial meaning of blood is thicker than water, which seems to be the focus of a lot of this.

you "cut against the curdled layers of blood from whence i came", but then go back to "if it end here underwater" circling back to blood being thicker than water. if the water kills you, was it worth it do cut from the blood? you make me wonder this.

and a sneaky rhyme scheme. ugh, i love that. you make me think about bear it, "crushed under the weight" as in the sisyphean reference you made. and the visceral reaction to being crushed. heaving, sobbing. loved.

slow/quick, another opposite! you keep this throughout, same as in bear it how you had hot/cold. and wading is often slow, so i see it coming out again.

this is absolutely raw and stunning. you make it so hard to say if i disliked something, but i would say i'd like to see more of the knowledge of somehow being the same. how are you the same? after all this wading and losing what you had, how do you retain sameness?

is this connected to bear it at all or am i making stupid connections.

anyway. loved this so much. looking forward to reviewing satiety tomorrow. :3

best & sincerely,
herb