there are claw marks on my curtains where i pull them everday; open up, reveal the sun, put on my clothes, and leave the shade
i have a heart that beats now, but it’s heavy, like a weight. between my feet, tied to my ankles, dragged behind me, i’m afraid
i’ll lose it; “where’s your heart’s ambition? what about the grace?” i scrape my fingers on the surface of my molten ivory face
i’m getting up now, in the morning i will break my legs and fall, i’ll pick myself up by my elbows, i’m reduced to army crawls
“takes the cake” is an experience that i never thought i knew until i lost my hope and family that i found - united to
“you’re so skinny, what’s that ball between your feet and what’s the chain?” it’s my cold determination: resignation still sustained
one day i’ll tear my curtains: nothing left but strings of hair. i’ll fall out empty windows - take my lungs and take my air
why does freedom take a lifetime? why are battles rarely won? i refuse to die undignified and wish my feet to run
the earth beneath my knees is muddy and it clings to all i own. God be willing i will make it, ‘til my wasted time’s atoned
i have to dig if i get higher, have to bend but I can’t break: can’t afford to, can’t recover, forced to grow from past mistakes
there’s two choices: i move forward, or i stay the way i am - i can’t bear to live the latter. i’ll be starved before i can
where’s the boulder? i am ready, back behind the window face. sisyphean, somewhat spiteful, i will give for all it takes
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi sound!
I'm so happy to finally have a moment to review these three poems. <3
My first impressions of this are just really loving the long lines and consistent rhymes, as well as all of the heavy and determined imagery. Looking back at the title, it really contains both of those images inside of it -- the weight of a burden but also the inner force to carry it.
One thing this poem makes me wonder about is what the burden really is. There's so much going on -- some of the quotes from others seem to be part of the problem (or not making it better), there's so much physicality to it, like being "reduced to army crawls," but there's also "where's your heart's ambition?" I'm not sure really what the main weight is, and I don't know if readers really need to know because the effects are so clear in this poem. But it's one thing that I was definitely curious about.
I think it's really impressive how you pull a diverse range of images together under a single theme. You've got these fluid, heavy images like the mud and molten face:
But then there's the recurring curtains that become "nothing left but strings of hair," heart imagery, and a Sisyphean boulder. It's a lot for a single poem and for a single person, but you weave the poem in such a way that there's room for all of those things.
There's also a neat balance between the rich imagery and some awesome lines that are more like internal dialogue.
This was absolutely one of my favorites, I love how it rolls off the tongue. "i refuse to die undignified" is also a great one. I just love the language you use throughout. It's so solid and the second rhyme pair is often a really hard hitting line: "i'll be starved before i can" and "take my lungs and take my air" were so powerful!
A line that was more difficult for me to untangle was this one:
It was great up until hope, and then I found myself a little confused if the family is included in losing hope, and then what is the narrator united to? Does that part flow over to the next line?
I really liked this line in particular, I think it encapsulated a lot of the poem -- having to bend but not break. And the second part of the line was really relatable about not being able to afford to break so you have to keep going. <3
In general, I really enjoy the way you use such long lines with the rhymes, I think this could make a good slam poem. The sounds and structure of it just seem like they lend themselves to sort of an intense read out loud.
I'm excited to re-read your next two poems in the context of this one and to see how things develop! This was a really powerful poem and so heavy. XD
-Q
Heyo! I'm Zayin and I'm here to review this lovely piece of work!
ヘ( ^o^)ノ＼(^_^ )
This poem is a striking and deeply emotional exploration of struggle, resilience, and the search for self-understanding. The vivid imagery—claw marks on curtains, a heart weighed down, army crawls through life—beautifully conveys the sense of being trapped in a battle against both external circumstances and internal turmoil. The language is raw and honest, capturing a powerful tension between the desire for freedom and the weight of past mistakes and hardships. Now the title is what first caught my eye, it's raw and heavy like and it's almost like the speaker is telling the reader to face whatever conflict they are afraid to face.
What stands out is the speaker's determination to rise despite being burdened, a determination that feels both painful and hopeful. The use of contrast, such as between the “cold determination” and the “resignation still sustained,” reflects the internal conflict of wanting to escape but being held back by forces beyond their control. The final lines are especially compelling, as they articulate a resolve to keep moving forward, no matter the cost.
The poem has an incredible depth, offering a glimpse into the complexity of personal struggle, while leaving space for the reader to resonate with their own experiences. It’s a work that speaks not only to the pain of feeling trapped but to the fierce will to persevere, no matter how overwhelming the journey may seem. Overall, this poem is a powerful and emotive work that resonates with anyone who has faced difficult times. It speaks to the quiet strength required to keep going, even when the road seems impossibly hard, and the choices seem limited. It is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the refusal to surrender to life's challenges. Your writing style is certainly something to cherish and admire please never lose this special fire that's burning inside you when you write. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this work! -Sincerely Zayin Keth
hi sound! i thought i'd stop by to take a peek at your poetry!!!!
ugh, the title combined with the sheer heaviness / weight in this poem is actually stunning. the usage and comparison of sayings and stories is actually insane. like the harshness of it all. loved this.
HELLO?? wait i need to process this because the melting away of this and the scraping on the face and the shedding implied with melting. my jaw actually dropped.
and you're making empty/whole warm/cold comparisons and metaphors. stunned.
SOUND MY HEART!! the undoing of it all! the self-imposed rules and the shackling to mistakes!!! it's actually so. beautiful ugh. queen never cry.
AND THE SISYPHYUS??? the undoing again! you keep this strung through and it's so beautiful I can't even. ugh. you keep this very strong voice throughout without losing the integrity of the words. i'm so happy about this poem.
no because i was reading your napo recently and thinking about it and gosh it was so good i wanted to cry like thrice. you have this very unique writing style. never lose that.
best & sincerely,
century
Century!!!!! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing <3 I appreciate your kindness and enthusiasm and all the thought you gave to the content!
This poem is incredibly powerful, brimming with raw emotion and vivid imagery. The interplay between the physical struggle and the metaphorical weight of resilience is striking. The themes of determination, despair, and hope are woven seamlessly, creating a Sisyphean narrative of pushing forward against all odds.
The imagery, such as "claw marks on my curtains," "molten ivory face," and "the earth beneath my knees is muddy," pulls the reader into the speaker's world of pain and perseverance. Lines like "why does freedom take a lifetime? why are battles rarely won?" express universal frustrations, resonating deeply with anyone who's faced prolonged struggle.
Your choice to conclude with Sisyphean imagery ties the piece together beautifully, embracing the eternal struggle with a mixture of defiance and resolve. It’s haunting, yet uplifting—a reminder of human tenacity.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Lucius. I really appreciate it! You definitely heard the heart of the poem and that makes me happy <3 I hope you have a great day!