Young Writers Society

Sound!

I know you have a zillion reviews on this already, but, I am gonna read all this backstory even though there is literally zero chance anything in these first 23 chapters will make me forgive you for Carter and I've got a notoriously bad memory so I'mma keep track of where I am with my reviews xD also those sweet, sweet review stars xD

Who would be willing to pour into a broken vessel such as me?

"...rum?" She said with less confidence than planned.

"Hey there, cowboy! I'm no waitress, but I take tips!" she said as she plopped down in the seat across from him.

Clandestine smirked, shrugging before she took a sip of her drink. "I mean, it's worth a try." She set her mug down, and leaned back in the chair.

She took another sip of rum.

thirteen reviews! what the hecccccc!!?!!?!?!?!? i feel like if i review this it'll just be repeating what's already been said.

SERIOUSLY THO

THIRTEEN REVIEWS

Hello! /`*`/ I am here to review. There are a quite a lot of reviews here, so I won't leave too much feedback, but I definitely want to get started on reading this story from the beginning, so yay.

First, the title is long and wordy and gives a great humorous vibe, while the first "journal/italics" entry gives a hint at a more serious tone as well. I think this works well for this story, knowing the ~shenanigans~ that will eventually occur, and that there's certainly a combination of good and bad times coming for these characters.

Clandestine is an absolute sweetheart in this, even with what I know/is hinted to being some kind of deep, angsty backstory that I can't wait to learn and hear more about. I'm also trying to not scream, "is, is that James?" the moment 'Matt' was introduced, and the moment that Clanny decided to start talking about a cowboy this and a cowboy that. Also, Billy sounds like a delightful horse and I'm glad that maybe a certain cowboy's horse might have a buddy in future meetings.

Also, hints at backstory makes me happy, so the whole knowing a cowboy in previous years? Ooh. There's a bit of a background/world-building happening, but it's pretty subtle -- the traveling by horse, gold coins, typical bar scene in fantasy-eqsue stories, so I'm looking forward to seeing how you address this part in the passage, besides the dragons. Dragons are great and I am looking forward to seeing the ~dragons~ . With that, I shall end this review here and perhaps start with the next chapter tomorrow. ^*^

Hey Alice here to review!
This is not in the green room now but the other chapters of it are there and I wanted to read them so I started from the first chapter and its wonderful and fun to read. You wrote a good emotional lines in the starting it was good.

I try to recall all of the reasons that people say we are alive.

"O-oh yeah! Yes, of course! Just uh, a little uh..." she paused, trying to think of different types of beer, and what people normally got to drink. She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't frequent bars often. "...rum?" She said with less confidence than planned.

She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't frequent bars often. "...rum?"

She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't go to bars often."

"Hey there, cowboy! I'm no waitress, but I take tips!" she said as she plopped down in the seat across from him.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Okay I have decided to select this as the target for today. Let us see how far we can get.

First Impression: Well not quite a blockbuster opening there but an amazing bit of emotion there to start things off. And we learn quite a few things about the personality of our protagonist which is always a good thing.

Why did the dragons make such a place ?

From what she could tell when she walked in, it was a slow day.

"I haven't 'eard much, miss," he replied. "But there's been some word about sandworms messin' with local farms 'n such."

"O-oh yeah! Yes, of course! Just uh, a little uh..." she paused, trying to think of different types of beer, and what people normally got to drink. She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't frequent bars often. "...rum?" She said with less confidence than planned.

"Oh! Yeah, yeah, right," she mumbled as she dug around her pockets and set the coins next to her glass before picking it up and turning around to look at the rest of the bar.

The barkeep just looked over at her and sighed, shrugging. He slid the tray over the bar and gestured to the man in a cowboy hat at the far corner of the room.

He asked in what sounded like the stereotypical cowboy accent.

He reached into his pocket and flicked a gold coin in the air that she caught as a pleasant surprise.

Presents a nice little challenge, haha.” She took another sip of rum. “And what do you do?”

As she took in the image of the man before her, for a moment, a different face was superimposed over his underneath his hat. The face of her father figure. The face of her mentor. The face of her friend. The man she'd only ever known as cowboy.

I dont see much wrong here. Strong prolouge, maybe more description for the set, but really thats all. Its very interesting, especially the hunter. And its very quick to the point. If you get the chance can you check out my prolouge

I dont see much wrong here. Strong prolouge, maybe more description for the set. But really thats all. If you get the chance can you check out my prolouge

It captured my interest, I need to know more about this mysterious woman hunter. The prologue was strong, she sure has interesiting past, maybe a little redundant. The rest felt different, quick and direct. Maybe it could be better to show immediately the environment to capture the attention and show her feelings in the meanwhile?
Anyway, seeing how interest it has created it looks like it's no big problem.

Hi soundofmind, your prologue sounded pretty depressed and lacking in purpose so if you're really at that place and not just playing it up for Clanny I am open to discussion about da Gospel. If you want.

For an intro chapter, I have to say I'm absolutely impressed and enticed. I "say" this because I feel that there was an understanding of what needed to be said and that is done remarkably well.

Starting with the very beginning, the ponderance over the purpose of life caught my attention and built up a sense of empathy and sympathy for the yet to be named ponderer. This brief ponderance also creates a few distinct questions that I believe really helps give the reader quite a bit to look forward to.

Then this is outdone by the perfect intro to (I'm assuming of course) the MC, Clandestine. With the mere naming of the character, interest is already peeked for those who know the meaning behind her name, but then you're introduced to her personality and her vocation which helps the reader define her with ease. This defining of her character (On the surface level at least) reveals Clandestine to be a bubbly personality that makes me just want to keep reading for her sake alone.

I don't actually have anything that I think my be an issue so far, bar a few mistakes in grammar so I'll leave this off by saying that I look forward to seeing what can happen and hope it only gets better from here.

Hey, sound! I'm finally getting around to reviewing your novel. In case I haven't reviewed any of your stories before, I'll just give you a quick rundown on how I review things: I'll start with small comments on line(s) in the actual chapter, and then end the review with a summary of what you can improve and what you did great at.

With that said, let's get to it!

At my lowest moments, when I am faced with the utter depravity of my heart, I try to recall all of the reasons that people say we are alive.

Because if I am truly alone… and I am...

Why did the dragons make such a place… ?

Clandestine rode up to the dusty saloon, looking out at the little desert town and its abundance of tumbleweed and dirt. Upon her arrival to this dry spot on the earth, she found that it was just as dismal and lifeless as she expected. Even though she loved the life and greenery of the forests, this was the one place on the continent that seemed to share a sense of mutual understanding. Her and the desert were in agreement.

Life was dry and dreary.

"O-oh yeah! Yes, of course! Just uh, a little uh..." she paused, trying to think of different types of beer, and what people normally got to drink. She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't frequent bars often. "...rum?" She said with less confidence than planned.

"Does that line really work?" He asked in what sounded like the stereotypical cowboy accent.

As she took in the image of the man before her, for a moment, a different face was superimposed over his underneath his hat. The face of her father figure. The face of her mentor. The face of her friend. The man she'd only ever known as cowboy.

In a mock accent, she replied.

"Well that's just fine and dandy."

Hi there! I'm here to read your awesome novel.

Disclaimer: I haven't read any of the previous reviews. Feel free to just ignore anything I say that has been repeated.

There are a lot of questions in the first part here. Reading through it I totally see the reason for them, but I still find it kind of annoying. By the second paragraph full of questions I was tired of it. Oh my gosh I sound so mean I'm not trying to be I promise. Gosh, Noelle stop being insecure just review. Think of another way that you could get the same information across. I'm not even sure how you could do it, but consider it. Honestly I ended up skimming when I was reading. That's never good; at least coming from me. When I start skimming I'm not actually engaged in the piece. I don't like skimming.

I feel like you can cut down the beginning by so much just to give us a small introduction to the novel. I see it as a prologue, but not quite. It's like one of those one pagers you find that give no introduction that it's part of the novel, it's just there. You know what I'm talking about? What you have here is somewhere between the too. I wouldn't label it as a prologue, but it's too long to be a quick 1 pager. You have to find the balance between the two.

Have I ever told you that I love your writing style? I do. I started reading this and it all flowed so nicely together. You have a great balance of description and dialogue. There isn't too much of either. I felt like I was reading a book I had just bought off the shelves of Target that I got a really great deal on. I enjoy reading your work.

"Yeah, I think so too," Clandestine mumbled back. "It's just... okay, I guess," she said as she looked up at the faded sign hanging over the doors.

"O-oh yeah! Yes, of course! Just uh, a little uh..." she paused, trying to think of different types of beer, and what people normally got to drink. She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't frequent bars often. "...rum?" She said with less confidence than planned.

He asked in what sounded like the stereotypical cowboy accent.

I'm writing this as I go along so this are my thoughts as I am reading without knowledge of the full story. I write reviews like this as one I can write all my ideas right away and to let you know what your reader's are feeling and thinking right as they read and that stuff. And I'm not great with reviews so bare with me.

Firstly "Panning in the water for those flecks of gold"- You switch form silver to gold, either change the previous statement to gold or this to silver. I understand what you mean, but when I first read it, it was confusing. And if you change this to silver you lose nothing.

"seemed impossible, what felt so rare"- Sure the "what felt so rare" puts emphasis on what "seems impossible" but it also just feels like it repeat's. I feel like it would make more sense to just say what felt so rare because finding gold isn't really impossible, but it is considered rare. But this statement is fine if you want to keep it, this is just a something that bug's me .

"Because if I am truly alone… and I am...
Who would be willing to pour into a broken vessel such as me?"- I have already gathered this character is lonely before so the line about being alone is not needed. Plus it feels a little less clunky. Like this is a person thought process instead of just being here for exposition. Plus it's repetitive and is pretty much told and expanded on by the next line. So I would remove the line about being alone.

"Months ago, I would’ve wished myself dead, to escape a pain I thought unbearable: the furthest extent of loneliness I have ever experienced."- You've basically already said this when you saying "At my lowest moments, when I am faced with the utter depravity of my heart, I try to recall all of the reasons that people say we are alive." So this line is not really needed to explain this.

"Now, I desperately seek a way out, but I do not know the way. There are no answers found in the earth to the burning question in my heart"- If you go with my advice and remove the line before it I would change this to I, now desperately try to find a way to fix myself. Or maybe change it to a metaphor to you being a your broken vase analogy and say you're looking for the water to fix you or something along that line. Or if you like the vessel idea so your looking for a shell to cling to, or something.

"Who am I, and what is my purpose?
Or better yet, what is the purpose of the Nye"- Now this is very minor and you may ignore it depending on how you plan on writing this. But this entire monologue is about love and humanity and a place where it exists. So The nye line is great but the "who am I, what is my purpose" seems to come somewhat out of left field. I mean I kinda got the feelings she was asking these questions so it's like it's random. But it feels out of place for this monologue. To me at least. Unless you plan on connecting the idea of the nye and who they are and their purpose. Even in that case I feel like you could remove the idea of who they are and their purpose and add onto it in another chapter. After exploring the Nye more. Again it's not a major thing but it just seems so out of place. So keep it if you want or move it to another chapter, I would suggest the latter, but your the writer.

Ok, So some stuff over the whole opening monologue. One you never did explain the Nye(if you explained it in background, I again did not read it. As personally I feel like at least the first chapter of a story someone should be able to jump in without being totally confused). And honestly that is fine, it makes sense with the character as they already know it. However I wanted to make sure you are trying to build suspense about the nye in this case. If not maybe say something about, The nye, the place of love or humanity or perfection or whatever it is your going for. It still makes sense as you said why the dragon would make such a place and that could be nick name of the city/world.

And secondly, now I really and I mean really hope this Intentional but when you said no one on the earth with a flawless heart unmarked or unshaped, and with the context of "Where can it be found" and these questions, My mind instantly thought you were having a place where maybe everything was perfect. Where everything you talked about is achieved there, and they want to go there. Or maybe they are hateful they aren't their already. I doubted the latter one as I feel like the tone would be different, but still was a possibility in my mind. And as you go on to explain the nye, I hope this is not just some place on earth and is somewhere else so it could be achieved and this "earth" line makes sense. If it is on earth and are saying all the stuff you talked about can be achieved then you should remove the "the earth" in that line.

And lastly a minor note, this entire monologue has so many different analogies and metaphor it just feel almost like a jumble. Like you say two lines of gold and sliver and never do anything more in this monologue. Then you jump to a broken vessel. It just feels clunky and while I followed it ok, it didn't feel as natural as it could be. So I would say try to kinda use one or two main metaphor or analogy in the future.


"abundance of tumbleweed and dirt"- Just how many tembleweeds are there. normally there are only two or three right, I like the abundance of dirt, maybe you could even say compacted dirt or untouched dirt to show it's not that traveled.

"quiet sigh"- How is a sigh more quiet than normal. I feel like quiet is here just to be here and dose not really add anything.

"I haven't 'eard much, miss," he replied. "But there's been some word about sandworms messin' with local farms 'n such."- I mean, the I haven't heard much is confusing wound't it make more sense to say "it isn't much of a problem," he replied. "But.."?

"eyes opened wide with interest" - You make it seem sandworms are rare with the eyes open but you never directly say it and since it is not established I am not sure. If they aren't rare why would she be wide eyed, as she would have seen them before and things like it right? so If it's rare keep it, if not just the nod with interest would work. I may also add eyes open, due to it being rare. Clearly less clunky then that but you know what I mean, too lazy to write a real line for you,sorry.

"it's not but. I'm offering"- was the period after the but meant to be a comma?

"maybe a little less rugged. He had reddish brown hair, a little goatee, and thick brows shadowing dark blue eyes"- I really like this imagery it's clear, short and easy to see. Nicely done. (one note i don't normally see cowboys with red hair or goatees or blue eyes, but this is your world and it makes sense for the character so it's not a problem really. Or maybe I just have a weird imagine of a cowboy in my head)

"haha"- I'm sorry but to me I don't like this in dialogue. One I can never tell if it's meant to be a chuckle or a full on laugh. and it just feels like it doesn't fit especially when you said "he chuckled" lines before. So why not just reuse that line, or say a slight laugh or something along those lines. Plus it feel's amateurish, as I have yet to see a real author write "haha" in their dialogue. But if it really is ok and maybe just in my writing I haven't seen it, then that's my writing style, so sorry in that case.

"traveller by habit"- This is a fine line. But I was just a idiot and had to read it a few times to get it. Just felt like letting you know, but I don't think I would change it, but I just felt it was worth mentioning in case you wanted to play around with it. But again I actually like this line, so don't worry about it much.

"She blinked a few times" I feel like the "a few times" takes me away form the story, it just feels clunky. if you said "She blinked' it dose the same thing and feels a little less awkward to read. I mean it's a fine line and I can see it, but for some reason it just takes me out of the story.

In a mock accent, she replied."Well that's just fine and dandy."- I am confused as to what your character is trying to do? Like is she mocking him. That wound't make sense as she is fine with cowboys show by her father, mentor, friend figure being one. So if it's not mocking what is she trying to do?

Side note- Aren't all father figures mentors. But whatever I like the line even if it has similar meaning within it.

My god, I feel like I'm going overboard and writing too much for someone who is a better writer than me, but hey these are my real thoughts so feel free to ignore the notes of a worse writer XD

Anyway I know this was a lot, and I'm sure a lot of it you won't use. But these were the things I thought might help you improve the story and you as a writer, as these are all my thoughts as a reader and a reviewer, for better or worse. Anyway I hope you can at least get something out of it so you didn't waste your time reading it. And sorry if it didn't help you, or I missed something or something like that. Anyway I'm excited to read part two (and the background after this). See you there and keep up the good work (and this story please).

SOUND. I said I'd review this today, didn't I?! (lol what are my priorities here, reviewing before posting my own chapter) I blame u and omnom

Speaking of Omnomnom, I had this whole outline of a review planned out, but GOSH DANG @OMNOM HAD STOLEN MY IDEA. Like, what I'm going to say will pretty much reflect his general ideas, but I'll go into my own wee tangents ok

SO FIRST, LET ME JUST SAY. Monster hunting and cowboys and desert and two characters I know will give me many smirks in the future?!? YES. This totally gave me the TV show Firefly vibes with the western-y and fantasy feels. That's definitely a compliment since it's rated one of the best shows ever. :p (bonus points if there is sci-fi)

I'm getting the feel that Clandestine and James will have a love-hate relationship relationship in their adventures together (YES I KNOW THEY'RE GOING ON ADVENTURES NOW HEHE), and I'm doing everything I can do restrain myself from looking in your LMS thread to confirm if they will be opposing forces in the start because skdhfksjdf I wanna find out myself through the chapters! But I say they may have a love-hate relationship because they're pretty opposite. Clandestine seems happy to meet people and upbeat and honestly kinda innocent LOL (she doesn't drink much in this day and age of monster hunting and deserts?! a pure soul), and James seems to be the opposite of that: doesn't talk a whole bunch, perceptive, and serious. I can see James being like, "Sure, I guess having company wouldn't be so bad," on their first adventure. Then he'll be like, "omg wut have I done this girl wON'T STOP TALKING." lololol

okok, now the monologue at the beginning. It basically is a big fluffy monologue and it does also seem like a prologue of sorts! So I did a quick google search for pros/cons of a prologue, which you can read here. Basically, if the prologue is too long, has an info dump, is a crucially important scene with too much going on, is irrelevant to the beginning, or just serves as a clickbait hook, then err on the side of caution. Of course I read the monologue anD I LOVED IT IT WAS VERY POETIC AND

But imagine that your story got published (!!!!) and it's sitting in the bookshelf of a library, and the first chapter is this. There's going to be that one kid who'll be like, "MEH too much to read, where da chapter at?" and may put your book back on the shelf and try another one instead. which is uhhhh OF COURSE SAD because they just missed an opportunity to read the great soundofmind's story!! so lesson here is, don't do drugs and be that kid. and oh ya also, you know, keep up with readers' ADHD.

Also, I agree that between the end of the monologue and the beginning of the story, there was a sudden shift between the POVs and mood. I also definitely expected Clandestine to be all, booooo life sux. So when she was cheery and happy, I thought it was all a ruse. I read in your review replies that she really is like this, so I suggest somehow making it more clear that the monologue isn't by Clandestine. Splitting the monologue up chapter-by-chapter would probably help, and also put in some foreshadowing along the way.

Speaking of foreshadowing, DRAGONS. *cue eerie moosic* If I had to guess what'll happen with the dragon, imma say...it becomes lost. heh

BUT YEAH. I look forward to chapter 2! Are they going to go on an adventure together? Will a Big Bad Man come into the saloon and there will be a western shoot out? Will there be a monster scene?! I WILL STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK.

HEY SOUND!

Here for your review just like I promised! I really enjoyed this chapter, and I have very little to say about it. The first section of this chapter was really beautiful. The meditation on the nature of life seems like something that would come from a realist drama rather than the fantasy/adventure type story that you're clearly setting up. I was confused as to whether it was one person speaking, or a conversation between different people -- I think it has something to do with the multiple quotations?

Dragons, huh? I'm curious to see how they factor into the story, as well as how the old west setting fits into the larger world that that this story takes place in. I like Clandestine a lot. She seems brave and spunky, maybe a little naive, although I don't know if that was what you were going for.

Overall, your writing style was fun to read and easy to follow. I'm excited to read more of this, so be sure to ping me once you've got more chapters up! And let me know if you had any questions about anything.

loves,
Elinor

SOUND I CAN’T WAIT TO START READING I’m so happy and excited for both os us and I want this to succeed so much so let’s write all the chapters. We just gotta pester @Carina now

To live just to make life is to deny the nature of humanity and the longings of the human heart.

Life was dry and dreary.

"Hey mister! I'm Clandestine," she said with a cheerful smile.

"O-oh yeah! Yes, of course! Just uh, a little uh..." she paused, trying to think of different types of beer, and what people normally got to drink. She hoped it wasn't too obvious that she didn't frequent bars often. "...rum?" She said with less confidence than planned.

I’m so psyched that you’re starting! This is already worlds better than your first draft! The mood is so much more prominent and the cheese was melted away. This is getting me so pumped for the next chapters! That beginning part... was a little too relatable and thought provoking for comfort, but that’s a good thing! My only critique is that you might want to describe perhaps the atmosphere of the saloon more but mostly the main characters. Although I know what they look like very well, I’d have to assume not everyone reading does. If you want to describe them later, however, then that makes sense. Anyways, I’m proud of you, sis!

I LOVE THIS! : D

Hello, your birb knight Feather here to review!

Things I Liked
1. The title! It's humorous, and definitely catches one's eye!
2. The first part, in the italics, was beautifully written - the prose kept it descriptive and engaging, and it definitely set the mood for this chapter
3.

Her and the desert were in agreement.

Life was dry and dreary.

"What do you think of this place Billy?" She asked as she patted her dark steed and rubbed the white star between his eyes. Billy only blinked in reply.

"What do you think of this place, Billy?" she asked as she patted her dark steed and rubbed the white star between his eyes. Billy only blinked in reply.