Death Atlas Life Cutlass
Path of glory no aberration in leading to the grave,
Your beaming memory still for you makes me crave.
Chap fallen I am yet to be out of despondency
Dipping the nib lip in the venal fluid,
Oozing out of my core,
I fall sort of retaining my sore.
The verisimilitude being my glossary inadequacy,
The sustaining element of my yearning for acne,
Forever has been snatched away from me,
In every curve of my life's track,
Going through the vicissitude.
I feel your presence at my back
Life is brief consisting of little hope and dream
In mournful strain says someone it is not what it seems
But eternally ached in my mind,
Your memory hinders me from bidding adieu
O grandfather 'set out for empyrean,
I forward my reverence to you.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Sou,
Welcome to YWS!
You have some great images here. I especially liked;
"Oozing out of my core" and
"mournful strain".
I'd suggest getting rid of the rhyme, as it forces you to twist your syntax, which sounds awkward, and to bring in words such as "crave" and "acne", which don't really fit in with the rest of the poem.
Sometimes I think you hide behind fancy words and ornate phrases. I'd try a rewrite in which you look at your pain/the pain of the speaker, and at how that makes you act.
I know this sort of poem is really hard to write because it's painful and raw and because so many people use death as their subject, so I'm sorry I can't be more help. I'd try making it as original to yourself as possible, and don't hide behind anything. If you wanted to do it as a sort of Classical elegy I'd really play that up and make reference to Greek/Roman imagery. That may be interesting to try as it may be a way to use the sort of language you want to powerfully.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Elinor, despondency is, in fact, a word that I would expect anyone with a bit of education to understand.
de·spon·den·cy (d-spndn-s)
n.
Depression of spirits from loss of hope, confidence, or courage; dejection.
Only correct what you know, not what you assume. It only makes you seem more ignorant.
Also, I believe the misplaced commas were intentional, it gives a certain, oh woebegone into-the-hibernaculum
sort of feel to it. This isn't bad, at all. In fact, I think this is what most writing sites should have, not the meaningless, trite drivel that plagues this festering p***water. One of the "featured works" appears to have been written by a three year old.
Good luck, mon writer etravegan! Your poetry deserves a better home.
Before I begin this review, I would like to ask if you have read the rules. You shouldn't type in all caps. But since you're a new member and this is your first post, I'll let it slide.
Now to the review - it was a very good poem, beautiful and sad. I could really feel like I was there. You did have a few problems with misplaced commas (read aloud before you post, and see how funny it sounds?) but that's alright. PM Me if you have any questions.
And there was one misspelled word:
Dependency?