Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
i think you were a dream/ rosy cheeks like a fever/ maybe because you were sick enough/ to throw a rock through my window/ and now i can’t get the glass out of my eyes/ but you can’t get him out of your mouth
it’s because his eyes are bluer than mine will ever be/ yes, that must be it/ true blue/ so fucking stable/ so/ pure
i should get contacts/ he should get the girl/ and i will get someone/ to drive me/ to the drug store/ where i can buy composure and paint it over my eyes/ but i’ve never had enough money to buy your love/ or contacts
i forgot your name/ but not whitney houston’s national anthem/ not the way you hold yourself/ not your walk/ not your scars/ not you/ never you
please look through my window again/ i fixed me/ wait–/ who the fuck are you again?/ (my eyes hurt)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is quite a unique structure to a poem, although I am not too accustomed to very modern poetry like this so it may not be. It's very free and doesn't seem to follow many rules as you seem to bounce around how you decide to use the "/". At times you use it to seperate full sentences with incomplete sentences in a sequence but at other times you divide up clauses that wouldn't make sense on their own. I think one powerful thing about this structure is how it can string many thoughts into a verse that flows very swiftly, whereas otherwise it may feel clunky or may be hard to structure. It follows a sort of train of thought layout that is fun.
" so fucking stable/ so/ pure"
Perhaps this latter / acts as sort of an emotional pause, I think that's effective. It reads very naturally, and you employ these kinds of pauses with the / across the entire verse.
In terms of contents, it's interesting. It seems to clearly be referring to something personal that I can't exactly decipher, but it seems effectively conveyed.
Overall this is not too bad of a poem, good job !
thanks ig
OHEMGEE I LOVE THIS!!
I think it captures the essence of falling 4 some1 out of ur reach perfectly w the whole physical pain connection, and how exhausting both can b🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️ how even smth like them talking bout their own love is straight up painful and can send u in2 a spiral of comparison. That shit would bring out insecurities ya didnt even know abt, wouldn't it( •̯́ ^ •̯̀)? Or u could say it puts glass in ur eyes LOL like eyes arent (normally) a decisive factor in who u gravitate toward, but when ur desperate anything works 2 rationalize their decision and in the moment youd probs think so fondly of em that u couldnt possibly imagine 1 day ud fall out of love, only 4 life 2 move on and naturally, u as well.
TYSM <3
Yeah this formats cool