(Brooklyn)
I stared down at the frog on the table. I needed to concentrate. All I had to do was alternate its thoughts just a little bit, make it go 5 feet forward, make it want to go 5 feet forward. I took a deep breath and did the best I could to push my thoughts into the frog's head. One second pass, another second. The frog just continue to sit on the table. I felt nothing. No zap. No jolt. Nothing. I heard my dad sign. I looked up and he said,
"It's ok, maybe next time Brooks." I nodded and placed the frog back into its home. "There's two jobs today" Dad said. "At 11am you are to head to May's bakery down the street and there should be a small yellow box around the back of the building. A person by the name of Peter Williams needs a package to be delivered at 1642 Kings St anonymously." He continued, "take a short break before you go." I nodded and he left the room. I looked at the clock. 10:42. Enough time for me to gather my things. I looked for my black hoodie and leather jacket. I grabbed my small backpack and phone and went downstairs. As I was putting my shoes on, my dad came and handed me my cap. "Be careful to not be seen." he said. "I will" I replied and pulled my hoodie over my cap.
I headed to the back of the bakery and saw many boxes there. I didn't know which to take but as I walked further down there was only one box that you could call to be yellow. Before approaching it, I looked around to make sure I was alone. I picked up the box and carefully placed it in my backpack. Now I just had to get it to 1642 Kings St. This was the harder part. I had to make sure no one sees me deliver the box.
As I turned on the corner to King's street I was happy to see that it was fairly quiet. I located the house and placed the box outside the porch steps and left. That was a fairly easy job. I headed home to my dad making lunch. "I delivered the package, where to next" I told him.
"Next is River Valley High."
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Canary word: Present
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139,883 Literary Works • 672,717 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy, a pretty decent first chapter you've got right here. Its got a little bit of mystery going on here, and we get a decent sense of who our protagonist is and what they do here. And a relatively mysterious ending there too.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh, well that's an interesting point to start with there...we have ourselves someone struggling to control what appears to be telepathy there by the looks of things. It makes for a pretty intriguing start here for this first chapter, definitely catches your attention here as a reader.
Okay.., well, that's some pretty interesting talk there as well...it looks like the father of this person is the one teaching them how to use this telepathy, aand also it looks like there's some form of mysterious delivery service at work here as well. I do like how these drop points and times are so odly specific, makes it seem a little more mysterious that way, and it looks like its something relatively dangerous too if not being seen is important and that's always quite exciting.
Well, this is a fun little segment, I see we're cutting right to the action itself without any sort of anything happening before, which is an interesting choice there, but its not too bad, although I will say, this is a pretty short segment here for the box, which kind of makes it seem a touch rushed but also at the same time we get the feeling that these drops having pretty quickly and efficiently...so a bit of mixed feelings for me on that paragraph there.
Okay...ending on slight bit of a cliffhanger, I mean, its just a random location and it seems like a routine delivery of sorts, so its not the most exciting point to end things off here, cause as far as we know, this is going to be just as quick and uneventful and what just happened in the previous paragraph, but, well its a little touch of mystery and that's always nice at the end of a first chapter, so well, pretty solid ending here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a fairly solid start here, I think it does a good job of making the reader want to continue reading this story, it seems like a fairly interesting premise that you've got right here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
So, a quite interesting story you have set up so far. It seems the main character, Brooklyn can perform telekinesis. I am not sure how, but I guess you will get into all that in the future chapters.
As interesting as the story is, you need to work a little in introducing the characters and setting up scenes. It feels like your simply narrating events in the second paragraph. While I enjoyed the vagueness about the story, I think it was a little lacking in descriptions. Also, we don't really learn much about the characters or their lives. For example, what does his father do for a living? W And what's with all the anonymity? I hope you will make these things a little clearer or probably explore these questions in the following chapters.
Some other points I noticed:
'Pass' will be 'passed' and 'continue' will be 'continued'. The sentence should go like this: "One second 'passed', another second. The frog just 'continued' to sit on the table."
While the rest of the chapter is in the present tense, you suddenly switch to the present here. While these types of mistakes do not amount to much, you should try to avoid these types of inconsistencies.
Put a question mark after 'next' and maybe rewrite it as: ' "I delivered the package. Where to next?" I 'asked' him. '
That's all.
This was an interesting start and I look forward to reading the other chapters. Keep writing and have a great day!
Hey! Awesome job! It's a great concept to a story and I can't wait for the next chapters which I will read as soon as I can!
Okay so, in the line 'I heard my dad sign.' I'm guessing you meant sigh?
Also, the line 'I didn't know which to take but as I walked further down there was only one box that you could call to be yellow.' you can just say there was only one box that you could call yellow, but it's totally up to you. I don't know if it's just me but I find it funny that she's practising her powers(I'm guessing) on a frog!! I also love how you don't really tell us why the main character, Brooke, needs to make sure she isn't seen while making the supposed deliveries. That catches the readers attention which is definitely a good quality to have in a novel/story:)
Well done!
Aurora49
Haha, I'm not sure why that was sent twice. Sorry, my bad!