Published March 28, 2008
Rip it apart with criticisims. if you can. poems are hard to critique. i want friends, so if you want to be my friend i will never reject a request. oh. and if you don't understand this, it's about the ocean. and the fact that she is greedy. she wants all of the seashells, but can't keep them.
Ocean
I walk slowly beside a monster
Searching for her regurgitated prizes
She roars, her foamy arms lash out in terror
And my prize is snatched out from in front of my eyes
Birds with black faces and white bodies float in the air
The ocean swallows my prize, and forced to give up another
But she is blind and doesn't realize that her treasures are beginning to tear
They are ripped apart in the greedy hands of their mother
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I would lose the seagull descriptions and maybe use a reference to their annoying 'MINE' calls. Though that's just me.
The first part of the poem is plain and simple, it is good. Though as we continue it loses its simplicity and impact.
Minor note, I would lose 'out from' after 'snatched'. This seems to be more of unnecessary and passive word choice. When the tide grabs something, it is not taken from in front of you as it simply swallows it in a rush of a violent crest then ebbs further and further in towards the undertow, only to truly disappear in the chaotic seas.
Even if the sea is beautiful, it is not exactly subtle like a thief. Though to say 'lash out in terror' also seems to be unnecessary. Simply 'thrash about' works, in that spray after a crest, it seems to thrash and throw itself upon rocks or the beach.
Even saying 'And' in the last part of the first segment seems to be unnecessary. Its gone, why do we need to add 'And' to make it work? It doesn't, so we don't need 'and'.
First off, the disclaimer is unnecessary. Explaining your piece before letting us read it turns off reviewers.
Second off, I wasn't a fan of the long lines, especially in the second stanza. It seems like you were rambling on to get to a word that rhymed. Forget the rhyme. I would re-break the lines, making them shorter and fairly consistent.
Third off, you do use the word "prize" a lot, but never show us this prize. Based on your disclaimer, it was seashells. Try making this more apparent. Describe the shells to us a little. Also replace some of those "prizes" with something else.
Lastly, I didn't like the "She roars". The image that followed was much stronger, and it just felt out of place. I also didn't like "In front of my eyes". It felt like an overly lengthy attempt to rhyme. Come up with a more concise way of expressing that idea.
I did enjoy your personification of the ocean, but I think you could do a little more work with this. Keep writing!
Hmmm... I just read another one of your poems, and I liked your other one better. This seems a little...grade school. Let me elaborate: in school you learn how to write poetry. By that I mean a teacher tells you "To write a metaphor, simply say "the sky is a cauldron churning and stewing with rage". Now that is a completely obvious metaphor, and it seems forced, do you agree? It's like I sat down with the sole purpose of writing a metaphor (which, actually, was indeed the case, but you get the point
) The same applies here. I feel like the metaphor of the sea being a monster "regurgitating" the seashells is a little too obvious, a little too forced. Think about something less obvious you can compare the sea to, other than a monster, which is a touch overdone. Think about the effect you want to have on your reader: what do you want me to feel? To think about? Hopefully I'm making sense here...
Good try, but I know you can do better.
Hey there, you're new too!
The little foreword thing before your poem - you need capital letters to start your sentences, and more punctuation. I know that's not about your actual poem, but it's the first thing people will read, and the bad punctuation is a bad impression.
'The ocean swallows my prize, and forced to give up another' - does this mean you're forced to give up another, or the sea is?
I think this is a great poem. I agree it's very original, and your use of personification is great. Nice work.
Nice, Callie! This was really good. The personification and irony were well used.
A couple suggestions:
[DISCLAIMER: I'm freakishly nitpicky]
You use prize twice here. I normally wouldn't point this out, but because this piece is short, it feels a little repetitive. Maybe you could find a good synonym for one of them?
Do you mean "is forced"?
Looking forward to reading more (finally!).
-Haley
It's kimd of confusing but I really do like it! It's very original!
Good Job!
Zalex