Published June 14, 2007
You are evil. Yes you are a snake.
You have no heart at all. Oh! I don't
know how much more I can take.
You will pick on anyone.
Yes you won't leave them alone.
Someone could tell you to Shut Up!
But you just laugh and go on.
No more, no more, no more
That's enough now.
You are a mean greedy old man.
At first you were my hero.
But now I know exactly where
you stand.
You say you believe in God.
But you don't seem to know.
That you can't take your money with you.
That's right Grandpa.
You can't take your gold.
No more, no more, no more
No you can't take your gold to heaven.
You gotta leave it behind.
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141,457 Literary Works • 674,477 Reviews
It's too abstract. Who is this old man, why does he deserve all this hate from the narrator? Since you don't describe what's going on, it leaves me apathetic.
And yes, I know that this is lyrics and stuff, not a story, but I think ballad form is more appropriate here.
Hope that helps!
Good! Alainna made some good points, so I'll just say as how I liked it.
This was a little strange. First off, why does the guy get to go to heaven?!?!? I think that's a rather justified question given the context of the poem.Other than that it lacks description but it's quite well written so well done.
This was good.
At the moment I'm finding hard to imagine it being a song. What genre would it be?
This seems like a rather bland line and it doesn't fit. Could it be rephrased and moved for better effect?
I like this as a chorus.
This would sound better without the last line, it seems to not fit quite right.
Good work, Keep it up!
Alainna
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