Visions

Hey silversky! Lupin here for a review. I really, really enjoyed this, you have incredible talent as a poet! There isn't any advice/criticism that I can give you because this honestly an incredible piece of work. The regular rhyme scheme really help the over all flow of the poem, and the half rhyme at the end was effective in drawing attention to the main message. Only nitpick; small typo - fifth line should start with "it's", not "its".

Great work!

Lupin

Wow. You are really good at telling stories. I like how you made the character without any major description. The girl could have been anyone, I like that anonymity. I love that your rhymes don't rely on spelling. The title doesn't give too much away. However, in the line "The girl cries out, weak and fare", did you mean to say fair? I love how you aren't preaching your point, but are butting it as a cautionary tale. You make a good point when you say to put away thoughts of hate and war. It's written well. You were neither too wordy, nor to brief. You said what had to be said in just the right amount of time. This is a very thoughtful and emotional poem.

Hia! Rurouni here to review!

I liked this, it was nice. I get what you were going for.

One thing I'd suggest is maybe make the rhyme a bit more interesting instead of aabbccdd and so forth, maybe try ababcdcd or even abacad or something. It's just a small suggestion, the poem with this rhyme scheme works out wonderfully.

Not every line must be capitalized, that's one thing people forget about poetry. I'd also suggest if you use punctuation, use it all. A comma here and there while the rest has nothing kind of interrupts the flow of poetry.

Also, the very last line seems very forced to me, I'm not sure why, but it seems abrupt and sudden. It could be me, I don't know.

So overall, it's really nice. There isn't a whole lot I'd pick at (and what I saw I did talk about).

Keep up the work!

~Ruro~

This was really fun to read! The rhythm created was consistent and the rhyming mostly worked really well. The words flow easily as I flick through the lines. The title was very intriguing as the word visions makes me want to find out what, when, why no matter what - it draws the reader in well as it is quite an open word. You can create any tale from the title making the reader really want to find if they were close. At the end you refer to the story being hidden among history which is really powerful to keep our imagination cogs spinning. We are left with the thought of how many tales are left untold, how many secrets are kept safe for the past is the past and there is quite the difficulty to discover it's importance. I really like the idea that the creatures are among us as it gives you the idea that we all have our personal demons and this could be the reason for it, for hatred, for weakness. Overall I really enjoyed reading this and unfolding its little secrets; it was an awesome poem. -Marshymallow

Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that explanation of this poem really got my hook and that made me love this poem as well. I enjoyed the end rhymes (even if they rhymed a little) since it gives this poem an rhythm plus if i read this poem again, I feel like there are internal rhymes too (they rhyme very faintly). Also i would say the tone of this would be pleading to get the demons out of your head or something.

Nitpick(s):

In some parts of this poem, there seems to be few wrong P.O.Vs errors since in the beginning, i thought the narrator was the girl looking at these demons herself. Then at the end it shifts to the girl once more, in which, becomes the narrator and that was confusing as it is. Maybe change it into First person or Third person.

The worst thing is only a single girl can see it all

Now the beasts monsters and demons ravage the land

Now she is stiff and now she is pale

It isn't in the history books, its all been hushed

The title is vague and unlike the poem. But the poem is well written and emotional. The poem is easy to relate to. Fear and bravery is visible in the poem. It brings out the fear the every human being has. Passages like:
Bloodlust is in the air

Horrible things come from everywhere

and
The girl cries out, weak and fare

But the people and the demons do not care

are prime examples of understanding the way poetry is wirtten.

The language flows easily (sometimes it's a bit chunky though) overall though it's pretty good 3/5

The title is vague and unlike the poem. But the poem is well written and emotional. The poem is easy to relate to. Fear and bravery is visible in the poem. It brings out the fear the every human being has. Passages like:
Bloodlust is in the air

Horrible things come from everywhere

and
The girl cries out, weak and fare

But the people and the demons do not care

are prime examples of understanding the way poetry is wirtten.

The language flows easily (sometimes it's a bit chunky though) overall though it's pretty good 3/5

Your Poem is very interesting. Its very dark and power. Like a girl power is going to defeat the demons

But there are few mistakes here in the poem. First is this:

"Starve thes awful, ugly beasts"

The word "thes" is suppose to be "these

Also:

"The worst thing is only a single girl can see it all"

It would be more appropriate if:

"The worst thing, only a single girl can see it all"

I think that sound more proper and it actually matches to the second line of the poem. And finally, its better if you use the word "monster" than "beast". They are the same thing but its more natural and proper. And cancel the "beasts" in this line:

"Now the beasts monsters and demons ravage the land"

And make it like this:

"Now the demons and the monsters ravage the land"

It actually sounds better

Overall the poem is good but few mistakes that you can easily fix

Good job

Hey there.

I really liked this poem, enjoyed it a lot. Your title was vague (in a good way) so it made the readers wonder what it could be, and it was well written.

"Starve thes awful, ugly beasts" I think you meant "these" not "thes" right? Just pointing it out so you can edit it in time, save yourself from review lashers

"Now she is stiff and now she is pale

And no one lives to tell the tale

It isn't in the history books, its all been hushed

And now those creatures live among us "

Your description here is quite brilliant, I loved it. Being the ending of this thing, it had to be good and expressive and it was!! Good job.

Your description was also nice. Caught my eye.

Keep writing and stay blessed xoxo

Hey! Your description made me eager to read this, so here I am.

This would make a pretty nice picture book (not for children, though). The story in your poem is pretty amazing and I'm sure it's something we can all relate to. That dreadful feeling that something is out to get you, but you're the only one who knows and nobody else cares. There were times when the rhythm was a little off, but most of the time it was fine so I wouldn't worry too much about it. My only suggestion to you is to reword some areas which mention the girl. First it sounds like the narrator is the girl, but then the narrator talks about her like she's a different person. It would be good to keep that consistent. Otherwise, it's an awesome poem and I'm glad you uploaded it!

I liked the way you used your words to build emotion and tension while writing telling a story, I think your concept was great, Beasts who are after some one who they will take with them and their existence. It is very intriguing to dissect and come up with nice solutions as to what your story could tell. I really enjoyed your poem, and the flawless rhyming in the beginning. good stuff.