(a/n: thank you to everyone who reviewed this piece. your feedback is greatly appreciated)
Have you ever seen the setting sun from above the clouds. When you were in a plane did you ever put down your magazine and take a good look out the window? Did you ever pull your nose out of your phone and just marvel at this amazing everyday phenomenon? Unless you're one of those head in the clouds types I bet you haven't
I never did, not once. At only 15 I had the opportunity hundreds of times to watch the sun melt from above the cloud line, and I still never did. Never.
After I died, was a different story. Now I watch it every single day. Hovering above the clouds I watch the sun sink into the horizon and turn the sky beautiful shades of red and yellow and purple in its wake. And I remember. I remember the day that I disappeared. Forever.
I was in the last row, sitting next to a lady who was trying to sooth a crying baby. I was so agitated. This was the first time I had been allowed to go to a modeling gig alone, and now I was going to mess it up because I had no sleep. I was so narrow-minded.
Even though the sun was setting I had my window shade pulled down. Maybe it was because I was afraid of seeing real, true, pure beauty. Maybe I was afraid it would make me feel inadequate. When I was alive I was afraid of a lot of things. Funny, being dead makes you brave.
I stayed very still with my eyes closed for the next hour, trying to sleep in vain. I spent my last hour trying to block everything out. If only known that I would soon be spending the rest of eternity being blocked out.
Next I remember many flashing lights, shouting, and crying. Masks dropped from the ceilings and I quickly put it on. The baby had stopped crying. finally I remember falling...falling...and hitting the ground.
Now the sun has finished setting, and I have finished remembering.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,616 Literary Works • 675,165 Reviews
Woah oh oh. Heyya.
I loved this! Something we all need to imbibe in ourselves- to love and appreciate the world we live in. You also described how death made someone see the real world, the mistakes they committed, the things they missed out on.
" Unless your one of those head in the clouds types I bet you haven't"
Here, I think it should've been "Unless you're one of those head in the clouds type, I bet you haven't."
I'm pretty sure it was just a typo.
"After I died was a different story." Wouldn't "After I died, it was a different story" sound better? I'm not saying the language is wrong, it is correct, but it just didn't go with the flow.
"Maybe it was because I was afraid of seeing real, true, pure beauty. " I think you should've added "the" before real. Sounds better, right?
"I stayed very still with my eyes closed for the next hour, trying in vain to sleep." Trying to sleep in vain, maybe?
They're just suggestions, okay? Because I wanted you to know what makes these lines sound better
Good job. Keep writing and stay blessed. xoxo
Hello, Falco here reviewing.
First of all, I wanted to say that this was very very good writing for such a short piece. There are just a few punctuation errors I wanted to point out (aside from the "your" already mentioned)
I think a question mark there would be a better choice.
The "your" issue here, as well as needing an end punctuation.
If you wrote out 15 as fifteen, the story would flow better.
I think you need a space after the ellipses, but I can't be sure.
Overall, I thought that this was a great piece that just needs a little bit of touch-up work. Some of your sentences are rather choppy and short, so you may consider rephrasing a bit and using commas.
Good work and awesome story!
-Falco
Is there an award I can give you myself from this? Though short, sweet, and simple, it gives you a suspenseful and just plain wonderful feeling. I especially love, love, LOVE your imagery and descriptions. I am a sucker for amazing imagery and descriptions! The one thing I love more then that is that you can not tell what the gender of the model is. Are they male? Are they female? Do they claim a gender at all? Absolutely Wonderful!!
This is a wonderful short chapter that I believe should be put into a teen writing magazine! If there isn't one that would put this in their covers, Id put you on page one! Keep up the amazing work and the amazing writing. This deserves 20 out of 20 stars!
I like the style of your short story. It has a nice little message and the way the message unfolds is rather fascinating. Just some minor grammatical errors, but they aren't dramatic to the understanding of the poem. They're rather common so I won't be picky and point them out because they're so general, but if you're curious what I'm referring to:
Your
You're (should be used in paragraph 1 instead of "your")
There
Their
They're
Again I 'd like to compliment the concept and aside from those few grammatical errors, overall a nice job
Thank you so much. I know I have to work on my grammar:) I thought you're was a contraction of you are though. could definitely be wrong about that. Again, thank you
You're welcome and you're also right about the contraction of you are and in the sentence you wrote it fits there perfectly