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She was gone. Never coming back. I stood to the side as they lowered her into the ground. She once told me that when she died she didn't want to be in the ground but burned and her ashes released in the mountains were we had our first kiss. But her mother wouldn't let that happen and she buried Luna in the ground. *Thud* I was jolted back to the present, the coffin had reached the bottom. People started to throw dirt in and then leaving. I was the last one there. Someone would come by soon to fill the hole the rest of the way. I was kind of numb and I walked over to the hole. As I looked down I remembered her smile and her smell and how she would turn cherry red when ever I kissed her in front of someone. I started to cry. I throw a rose in the hole because it was always her favorite. Then I walk over to my car, got in, and drove away, crying the whole time

Chapter 1

It had been 6 months since Luna had died. I still had nightmares about how it happened though. We had just got out of the theater, I had taken Luna to watch a romance that she had been dying to see. We were walking out to my car, it was dark and a storm was coming. We had been laughing about the ads, than someone jumped out in front of us. He was male, he was wearing a ski mask, and he had a gun. He pointed it at Luna, yelling at me to give him all my money, the keys to my car, and anything valuable. I started to empty my pockets with him yelling at me to hurry up. At the time I didn't remember what happened but now I remember because I dream about it every night. I had just finished emptying my pockets on to the ground, but he had seen the necklace on Luna that I had given her for her birthday. It was a gold chain with a 3 ruby teardrops. I had saved for 4 months to get it for her and it was one of her most precious gifts given to her. He demanded that I take it off her and put it in the pile. I looked at her and she nodded her head slightly, saying that it was ok. I walk over to her slowly and started to unclip the necklace from around her. All of the sudden there was a loud noise over by the entrance to the theater. I had turned my head towards it and then a gunshot rang through the parking lot. As I turned back to Luna, the guy was running away. I looked at Luna meaning to kiss her, she had her hands over her stomach with blood bleeding onto her shirt. She look up at me, her face ghost white. She started to slide to the ground, but I caught her. I started to yell for someone to help me and call 9-1-1. My head was turned from her, but than I felt her hand on my face. I started to say for her to hang on we would get her to the hospital. She put her fingers over my mouth and whispered " I love you Jack, I always have and I always will. Don't mourn me for long." At that point I try to interrupted her to say she was not going to die on me. But she keep her fingers over my mouth stifling my protests. "You always were super stubborn." She smiled and laughed weakly than went on. "Don't forget me but also don't forget that there is a whole world out there for you. One day some girl is going to be super lucky and you will be an amazing father. I will always be watching you. Always." Her hand slipped from my mouth and landed on her shoulder. Her gaze shifted from my face to the stars saying " they're beautiful tonight...... So bright." She took one last breath and then her was gone. I started to cry silent tears and still holding her hand told her I loved her for the last time, kissed her, and then I shut her eyes crying the whole time. By that time someone had noticed me holding her body. At one point some had called 911 but it was to late her was gone. My Luna, my world, my moon, star and sun. I had to go to the police station after they showed up to give a statement on what happened.

*Ding Dong*

I jumped, getting jolted back to the present. Shaking my head, I tried to remember if I had any one coming over. Getting up and walk to the door I realized it was my sister. As I opened the door I realized someone was with her. "Hi Jack! I've missed you!" She was always super bubbly and nice. "Hi Candy" "Oh Baby brother why do you sound so sad?!?!" "UHG, Being born 2 minutes after you does not make me your little anything! And I sound sad because I am sad!" By that point we were in my living room witch by the way was a mess. "You house is filthy!" Candy is a neat freak.

"And you are a pain in the neck!"

"Am not!"

"Are too"

"Booger Breath"

"Airhead"

“Pig liver”

“Monkey Smelling, Big Toed, Ignoramus Neat Freak!”

“Arg, Fine You win”

Haha I always win at that game. We have been playing it since we were little. What happened was we would call each other names till one of us gave up. I would always win, the reason being that I loved to read so I had a very large vocabulary at a young age.

“So who is your friend?” I asked. By that time Candy’s friend looked kind of uncomfortable.

“Oh, right” She said just remembering that she had a friend with her.

“Jack this is Nila, Nila this Jack my little brother.”

“Agien being born 2 minutes after you doesn't mean I am your little brother.”

“Sure just keep telling yourself that.” At that she rolled her eyes. “Anyway There is a party tonight for…” At the word party I started to protest. “No No No! I am not, I repeat NOT, going to some party because you think I need “people time”” At those last words I made air quotes. “But why?” She said whining. “Because whenever I go to some stupid party with you, You always try to matchmake me with some friend of yours. “ I said exasperated. “Well this time would would be coming with me and Nila. Besides you are not aloud to say no because it is a party for…”

“Candy, I love you and you are my favorite sister, but I don’t care who the party is for or who I go with. I AM NOT GOING! Ok?”

“Fine but Jessica will kill you just so you know.” Jessica happens to be my second favorite sister and she is also older then Candy and I by about 2 years. She was like a mom to us when our real mother was too drunk to care.

“Why would Jess be mad if I didn’t show up to a stupid party?”

“Because it’s her wedding you dolt!”

“Seriously?!?!”

“Yep.”

“AHH, Crud! I thought it was next week not today! I’m not ready! I don’t have my suit back from the cleaners” By that time I had rushed into my room which was also filthy. I started to throw thing all over trying to find something to wear. “Chill out bro, I got you. I figured you would have forgotten so I picked it up from the dry cleaners on the way over and I got you some cologne, new shoes and a nice tie.”

“Ok number one Thank you, number two your the best and number three Do I need a shower?”

“Your welcome, I know I am, and yes very badly.” ARG, sometimes she was super annoying but I loved her anyway, ‘cause how could I hate my own twin. We had alway been there for each other, seans we were small. She was always standing up for me, her nerdy twin. We both looked like mom with our chocolate brown hair and emerald green eyes. We both had great-grandmas nose, but we had our fathers mouth. I was about ¾ of an inch taller than her but she was way more flexible. Candy is built like a dancer with skinny arms and legs. She was alway super flirt though. She was also bisexule, meaning she dated both boys and girls. But I didn’t mind as long as she was happy. Anyway by that time I had gotten in the shower, washed, dried, and gone into my room. My bed had been cleared off made and had my suit laying on it. Beside the suit were the shoes, cologne, and the tie. I started to get dressed as I listened to my sister in the other room. She had turned the radio app on that was on her phone. She was singing with the songs and probably dancing, even though I couldn't see her. After I was all dressed I went out into the living room. My sister had been busy while I was in the bathroom. She had cleaned my entire living room and was now in the kitchen cleaning it. “ AAHHH!!! What have you done to my apartment?!?!”

“Jack you can not keep living in this pig stye! It is gross and very unhygienic!”

“But….”

“No Buts! Now are you ready?” At that she walked back into the living room. “Oh, you look super! Jessica is going to be so happy. Ok so, I got you ready the cake is down in the car and both Nila and I are ready. Oh am I missing anything?”

“Umm…..” I was trying to think if I needed anything

“Oh I remember what I was forgetting!” As Candy said this she walk over to where her purse was and pulled out a boutonniere of baby's breath. “Jess decided that all the grooms had to wear these.”

“Oh ok”

“You sound sad again, are you thinking about her?”

(sigh)”Yes I am almost always thinking about her. But just know it hit me that she loved Jess and how she would have loved to come to the wedding.”

“Oh little brother, I am so sorry.” As she said that she came over and hugged me. Normally I hate to be touched or be called little but at the moment it was ok. It made me feel like someone cared for me and I could be a little kid again.

(sigh)”Ok, I’m ok now we can go.”

“Are you sure? We can wait a couple more minutes, the wedding won't start for another hour and a half.”

“Nope I am good. Let’s go.”

Chapter 2

“Do you Jessica Rose Miller, take Zane B. Anderson to have and to hold, in sickness, in health, in rich, or poor? Do you promise to always be his and no others? Forever and always, till death do you part?”

By this point Jess looked really happy. “I do” she said loud and clear. Most of the ceremony went by in a blur.

“Do you Zane B. Anderson, take Jessica Rose Miller to have and to hold, in sickness, in health, in rich, or poor? Do you promise to always be hers and no others? Forever and always, till death do you part?”

“I do” Zane looked nice and probably the only person I would give my sister away to, because in a way I really trusted him and Jessica was happy with him.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” Zane took Jessica's face in his hands and kissed her. By the time they broke apart and she turned to me. She had tears in her eyes but she was happy. “Mom would be so proud of you and so would dad.” I said with a smile and tears running down my face. “Thanks for being here Jack, I know you miss her. I do too.” At that I just gave her a sad smile and then she was gone, being swept up by the wedding guests who were congratulating her and Zane. I started to head to my car, but Candy turned towards me and saw me leaving. She walked over and said “Are you leaving already?” “Yes, I am tired and the ceremony is over. I talked to Jessica and she said that she would call me next week after her honeymoon.” “Oh well ok…. Um drive safe and are we still on for our monthly lunch on saturday?” “Sure I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” “Ok well see you on saturday.” “Sure, Love you” I said sliding into my car. Candy stood on the driveway waving till I was out of site.

******

I had gone to the shop instead of back to my apartment, needing to do something with my hands. Ever since I was little I had been good with cars. I was always playing with anything like it. I would take apart any electronic thing to find out how it worked then putting it back together. I did it with the toaster when I was about 13 and when I put it back together it would spark when you tried to cook with it. There was another time when I took apart the microwave but when I put it back together, it kind of blew up. Jessica was so mad when she found out, I was grounded for 2 weeks. So after that she would bring home all kinds of car parts that no one wanted and I would build things with them. That was so I would stop blowing up the appliances in the kitchen. I go so good at making things that I started to learn how to fix cars, using whatever resources I had. Jessica would even let me fix her car instead of taking it to a mechanic, much cheaper and I did better work. So by the time I was out of high school I was a part time mechanic for a shop in town. With the money that I earned I was able to help pay for college on a part scholarship for a associate degree to be a mechanic. So now I can work full time, to pay for my apartment and food. But neither of those cost much and I do a lot of paid over time. So I have a ton of money left over, but I work so much because when I am working I’m not thinking about her, Luna. We had planned on traveling the world once she got out of college. But that had never happened. On the night that she died the guy who shot her had a ski mask on but I remember he had blue eyes and he was kind of short. He had a tattoo on his arm that looked like snake coiled around it. Almost every night I would dream about his face and Luna's face right before she was gone. It was so pale it almost looked like snow. I shook my head, trying to concentrate on the car I was fixing at the moment. “Jack I didn’t expect to see you here! Shouldn't you be at Jessica's wedding?” said Joe, my friend and boss. “Oh, hey Joe. I was at the wedding I left after the vows and congratulation.” I said back to him. “Well why are you here and not at the reception?”

“Umm, I just needed to do something with my hands.”

“Well ok, you know you can always come here.”

“I know Joe thanks.”

Joe looked like he wanted to say more but before he could a blue 1969 chevrolet pulled up, it engine was sputtering like it was on its last breath. So instead of trying to get some more out of me he shook his head and went into his office to do paperwork. I just rolled my eyes and picked up a rag to wipe off my hands while walking over to the truck. The door of the truck opened and a women stepped out of the cab. She had grey eyes and tan skin, with reddish/brown hair. She look kind like a pixy, as in she was short and skinny but in a cute way. She looked to be about 17 or 18. By that time she had noticed me and started to walk over. “Hello Miss, how can I help you?”

“Oh Hi, my car is about to die but that is kind of obvious. Haha” At that she stuck her hand out. “My name is Dawn Oaks, What’s yours?” Taking her hand and shaking I said “My name is Jack Miller and it’s nice to meet you. Are you new around here?”

“Yep I moved in about a week and a half ago. Is it that obvious?”

“No not really, Foxgrove is just a really small town and everybody knows everybody.”

“Oh well it is nice to meet you Jack. So do you know what is wrong with my car? Do I need to get a new one?”

“Nope your fuel filter just need to be changed.”

“ Does that cost a lot?”

“No not really the part is about 18 dollars it self but with labor and tax it is about 125 dollars.”

“Oh Good, This was my mom’s last gift to me and she died about a year ago.”

“Oh well I know it’s not my fault but I am sorry, my mom was a drunk but I still loved her and she died 4 years ago, so I kind of know how you feel.” At that she just smiled.

“Um do you want to come inside to fill out the paperwork then I can get started on fixing it. It should take about 30 minutes to an hour.”

“Uh yea, that would be great, I have to go to work soon but I can call Mrs. Silver and tell her I might be a little late.”

“Oh ok, I didn’t know you work at the candy store. Mrs. Silver is a great lady, she used to give me leftover treats.”

“Ya, I just started working there like three or four days ago. It was right after I had moved in and I saw her store so I went in to look around. She asked me basically what you just did. She asked me if I wanted I job and when I said yes she hired me on the spot.” Dawn said with a smile. “Yep Mrs. Silver is really trusting. All the kids in town love and the grown ups do to. Anyway if you will follow me I will take you to the lobby to fill out that paperwork and call Mrs. Silver.” I said leading her through a door.

“Ok” she said, following me into the lobby. As I held the door open for her I asked Joe. “Hey can you get me a info form for Ms. Oaks? She needs her fuel filter changed.” Joe looked up at me with one eyebrow razed. “Sure’ he said slowly, give me a moment I need to go print a new one.” As Dawn walked in Joe looked at her razing the other eyebrow. “Are you Ms. Oaks?” he asked it a kind voice. “Yes that would be me.” she replied. “Well Ms. Oaks, do you have an insurance card that I can make a cope of so we have it on record. After that I can get you the form and Jack here can go fix that car of yours. Sound ok?” “Great that sounds fine by me.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hi there and happy review day!

I often start with nitpicks but you have a couple of issues I think you need to address before going any further with this.

Firstly, writing speech. It can be tricky to get the hang of but there are a number of key rules you need to remember and apply whenever you are writing direct speech. Direct speech is a sentence in which the exact words spoken are reproduced in speech marks (also known as quotation marks or inverted commas).

Here are the general rules:

Each new character's speech starts on a new line.

Speech is opened with speech marks.

Each line of speech starts with a capital.

The line of speech ends with a comma, exclamation mark or question mark.

A reporting clause is used at the end (said Jane, shouted Paul, replied Mum).

A full stop goes after the reporting clause.

If the direct speech in the sentence is broken up by information about who is speaking, add in a comma or question mark or exclamation mark to end the first piece of speech and a full stop or another comma before the second piece (before the speech marks), for example: "It's lovely," she sighed, "but I can't afford it right now." / "I agree!" said Kate. "Let's go!"


You really need to make sure you're changing paragraphs when a new person is speaking. It becomes confusing to the reader otherwise and then the novel gets hard to follow. Sometimes you follow this, but sometimes not and that needs looking at.

The other key thing is structure.

I had gone to the shop instead of back to my apartment, needing to do something with my hands. Ever since I was little I had been good with cars. I was always playing with anything like it. I would take apart any electronic thing to find out how it worked then putting it back together. I did it with the toaster when I was about 13 and when I put it back together it would spark when you tried to cook with it. There was another time when I took apart the microwave but when I put it back together, it kind of blew up. Jessica was so mad when she found out, I was grounded for 2 weeks. So after that she would bring home all kinds of car parts that no one wanted and I would build things with them. That was so I would stop blowing up the appliances in the kitchen. I go so good at making things that I started to learn how to fix cars, using whatever resources I had. Jessica would even let me fix her car instead of taking it to a mechanic, much cheaper and I did better work. So by the time I was out of high school I was a part time mechanic for a shop in town. With the money that I earned I was able to help pay for college on a part scholarship for a associate degree to be a mechanic. So now I can work full time, to pay for my apartment and food. But neither of those cost much and I do a lot of paid over time. So I have a ton of money left over, but I work so much because when I am working I’m not thinking about her, Luna. We had planned on traveling the world once she got out of college. But that had never happened. On the night that she died the guy who shot her had a ski mask on but I remember he had blue eyes and he was kind of short. He had a tattoo on his arm that looked like snake coiled around it. Almost every night I would dream about his face and Luna's face right before she was gone. It was so pale it almost looked like snow. I shook my head, trying to concentrate on the car I was fixing at the moment. “Jack I didn’t expect to see you here! Shouldn't you be at Jessica's wedding?” said Joe, my friend and boss. “Oh, hey Joe. I was at the wedding I left after the vows and congratulation.” I said back to him. “Well why are you here and not at the reception?”


This is an enormous paragraph and makes it both difficult and unappealing to read. Break it up into multiple paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.

Once you've edited, feel free to let me know and I'll come back and read again. If it gets too long, don't be afraid to post it in two parts!

Hope this helped,

Icy

User avatar
shaniac
Review
shaniac wrote a review · Sun Jul 29, 2018 6:58 pm

Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

The first thing I want to focus on is the beginning. Usually, when you write anything, you want to grab the reader's attention with something that is happening right then and now. In the same light, you should introduce a character before you say 'she' because it'll raise questions such as 'who is she?' Basically, I think you should state who 'she' is because you are kind of leaving the reader in the dark on that matter. Also, in the beginning, you could give a bit of description about where this story is taking place since that too can help the reader better understand what is happening.

... ashes released in the mountains were we had our first kiss.


'were' should be 'where'.

*Thud* I was jolted back to the present, the coffin had reached the bottom.


You don't want to use sound motifs when you are writing -- you want to be able to give the reader the chance to immerse themselves in what is happening. For example, instead of saying '*thud*', you could go into describing the sound of it. I also have a question for the people burying the narrator's love. I would think that they would bury her all the way, instead of leaving halfway through until someone else came along and finished the burying. Also, another thing is that you give vague descriptions of how the narrator feels. What I basically want is more of a picture of how the narrator looks when seeing his dead girlfriend's coffin in the ground.

Now with the chunk, I think it would work best as a prologue. This article can benefit your writing if you were to go down that route and I think it would be the best choice as you are describing something that has happened in the past and almost sets up the next chapter. When you write the prologue, I also think it would be ideal to post it alone as a separate work instead of combining at the chapters together in one read because that'll be a long read.

Chapter 1's main problem is the chunking. In the first bit, there is a large block of text and sometimes that is a huge hassle for people to read. A suggestion that I have to remedy this is to just break it up into smaller paragraphs. For example, when you go into describing how Luna died, that could be the start of a new paragraph and so on.

I still had nightmares about how it happened though.


'had' should be changed to 'have'; watch out for tense changes as that can cause the entire story to become wonky.

We had just got out of the theater, I had taken Luna to watch a romance that she had been dying to see.


This sentence is a bit of run on and to make it a regular sentence, replace the comma with 'and'. When I read ahead, I notice some more cases of sentences like this one. I would advise that you read some of these sentences aloud to find where to end and place 'and'. Also, 'dying to see' is quite ironic because Luna later dies. xD

than someone jumped out in front of us.


'then' instead of 'than'.

I like how you write Luna's death because the narrator is confused at what is happening and tries to help Luna stop bleeding but in the end fails. It is kind of a cliche way of dying, but you've spun your own tale of how it should be. The one thing I would suggest is I think I would like some more action from Jack's perspective, like what is he feeling with his now dead girlfriend in his arms? He doesn't have to say these aloud but he could think of them instead.

*Ding Dong*


Again, you don't want to use sound motifs. You could reword this to 'The doorbell rang, breaking my nightmarish thoughts'.

Getting up and walk to the door I realized it was my sister. As I opened the door I realized someone was with her.


You use 'realized' twice in the same line and these two sentences repeat the same thought. I think in order for it to make sense, you could reword it to 'Getting up and walking to the door, I realized the only person who it could be: my sister, Candy'. Another thing I want to point out is with people speaking, you want it to be in a different line than jumbled in together with the actual plot. So, when his sister says 'hey Jack', that should be in its own sentence. Also, you should give some characteristics of how they speak -- whether it be with their own slang or repeating a certain phrase.

... witch by the way was a mess.


'witch' should be changed to 'which' and 'by the way' should have commas before and after.

I am kind of curious as to how old Jack and Candy are. When they are threatening each other, I'm getting the vibe that they are way younger than I'm guessing you want them to be. Ways you can make them seem older is probably better speaking habits and a general description of how they may look like.

Haha I always win at that game.


This line doesn't need to be there.

I mentioned this before with the prologue but I think chapter 2, again, should be a separate piece of work so you don't have a long piece for people to read with chapter 1 and 2 combined together. The dialogue bits in chapter 2 are kind of two dimensional which basically means there isn't a lot of descriptions behind who is talking and what they sound like. Along with that, be careful in putting dialogue in different sentences so it doesn't confuse the reader when they read this.

till I was out of site.


'site' should be 'sight'.

To cap, I think you have a nice rough outline for a chapter. There can be edits made here and there to really make it stronger. I like the cast of characters and I'm kind of interested to see what will be happening next. The few things that I think you should work on is probably just defining your characters a bit and giving them traits in both their dialogue and appearance. With how they are speaking, don't forget to place them into different sentences and to find the right punctation. Also, using the right words in a sentence and tense changes. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!

User avatar
lilithyoung
Review

Hey thank you for sharing this story! I hope you find a title for it soon!

One thing that I would suggest you change is the syntax. Instead of writing out *ding dong*, say the doorbell rang. Also, let your characters develop themselves, don't just state all of their qualities. Make sure the reader gets to know these people.

Another thing I would fix is how you have multiple people talking in one paragraph. Whenever someone new starts talking, they deserve their own paragraph. Always be sure to spell words out and to punctuate!

Other than that I like this story! I liked the part where they were calling each other names haha I used to do that with my siblings!

Best of luck!

All my love,
Lilith



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